


Hurricane

by xxinquisiladyxx



Category: Alistair Theirin - Fandom, Cullen Rutherford - Fandom, Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alistair Smut, Cullen Rutherford Fluff, Cullen Rutherford Has Issues, Cullen Rutherford Smut, Don’t copy to another site!, F/M, Fluff, King Alistair, Lots of Angst, Love Triangle, Romance, Sweet Cullen Rutherford, another trope no one asked for, classic “who will she choose” trope, this took me months to post, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-04-11 10:39:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 47,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19107997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxinquisiladyxx/pseuds/xxinquisiladyxx
Summary: This isn’t your typical love triangle story you’ve read before. Follow Jaina Trevelyan as she regains her memories of her tragic past at the Kirkwall Circle until the Conclave.One man from her past, the other in her future. What happens when she can’t choose between the two men she can’t stop herself from loving? Will they make her choose a side?





	1. Prologue

 

 

** *** **

 

The morning was not yet filled with sunlight as the birds outside the windows sang their morning songs. The smell of burnt out candles and what was left from the night before lingered around an awoken pair. With the sheets tangled around their intertwined bodies, their morning was spent with fevered kisses and hurried touches. The couple knew they weren’t supposed to see each other the morning of their wedding but they had never been keen on following old traditions. 

 

“Go before my ladies get here!” She giggles, pushing against his bare chest to get out of her bed. 

 

“Mmm, just a few more kisses, my love.” He pulls her into him, his arms tightly wrapping around her naked body. He mused in the warmth of her body, a feeling he would never get used to. 

 

For the next few moments, they continued their passions, not wanting to separate from one another. The two have been attached at the hip more than usual since he proposed to her two months ago. Almost every night, the couple shared a bed and embraced each other as much as humanly possible. Most of the servants in the castle thought their carelessness was frivolous and others thought it romantic, their trysts becoming the talk of the day.  Pulling away from his lips, she sighed happily. “My dear, you know I have loved spending every waking moment with you since the announcement our engagement but if you do not want to be scolded by my ladies whilst naked - I suggest you get going!” 

 

“Let them see me, let the whole damned kingdom see me!” The stubborn King groans against her lips, with a naughty smile. “Maybe they’ll finally stop asking me to do stuff if they see me in the nude, can’t ask a man any more questions if all you do is remember him naked.” He jokes. 

 

“Ha-ha.” She trails her nails down his lightly hairy chest, earning a moan from her lover's mouth. 

 

“Jaina...” He warns, a knowing smile on his face. She knew how to push the right buttons of her lover and if she was not careful, their morning would end up the same as the previous night. She worried that her ladies in waiting would barge in on them in the middle of their actions and the thought was utterly terrifying. 

 

“Go!” She warns back. “We don’t need any bad luck on our special day!” 

 

Finally, he removes himself from her bed and then passionately kisses her before pulling his robe on and escaping through the secret tunnels connecting their rooms.  Almost immediately after her lover disappeared, the door to her chambers had swung open with a bunch of women ready to tend to her wedding day needs. 

 

She couldn’t hide the joy she was feeling today. 

 

** •• **

 

It was finally time. 

 

Each piece of her dress was being carefully placed upon her body in slow but sure steps by the servants at the castle. With every added piece, she could feel the heaviness on her chest growing - like something bad was going to happen, a feeling she just couldn’t shake.  There was never a time in Jaina’s life where she had been consistently happy as she had been these last two months. She felt as if something had been looming over her, plagued with nightmares of the future, vivid images of sickly green covering the world and her hand on fire. Jaina had spoken to all the healers in Fereldan, no one could tell her what her dreams meant. It would have been easier to pretend they did not exist but it is an every night occurrence.

 

Finally, the last laces of her corset had been knotted and she could finally let out a shaky breath. Looking at herself in the mirror, she hardly recognized herself. For once, she felt like a woman. For the first time in her life, Jaina felt as if she belonged somewhere and this life was a dream she was bound to wake up from.  “My, my,” Lynda whispered to herself as she looked at Jaina. The shorter, plump woman covered her mouth and her eyes watered. “Look at ye.” 

 

“If the King does not cry when he sees ya, I’m going to whack him upside the head and you are going to start from the beginning!” The other woman, Mary beams. 

 

Jaina felt the fabric of her dress and squeezed its soft material between her fingers. Smiling, she twirled around in front of the mirror and watched as her dress twirled with her. The flowers strategically placed in her hair stayed stuck in her hair which made her happy, her hair never seemed to hold anything lately.  “Do you really think he’ll like it?” Jaina muses, turning around to face the two women standing before her. 

 

“He knows better not’ta!” Lynda laughs, happily. 

 

“I don’t need my future husband crying on cue due to the fear of death!” Jaina laughs. 

 

“Don’t worry, Jaina,” Mary reassures her. “Death would be less painful than what we’d give him.” 

 

The three women share a laugh together at the cynical but lighthearted joke. Since she had arrived at the castle almost a year ago, these two women were the first to befriend her and take care of her when all others saw her as an outsider. The memory of feeling like an outcast made Jaina sigh, sadly. She felt so alone at first because the King was so busy and he had little time to explain to her how the court worked.  Coming from a noble house doesn’t always mean you’ve been exposed to the game or court. Jaina had been thrown into a Circle even before her magic manifested. She often remembered how cruel her family was, including all 8 of her siblings - even the one she loved most.  “What’s the matter, dove?” Mary questions, sensing a shift in her energy. 

 

Looking away for a moment and then back, Jaina speaks. “It’s just... It feels like I should have my family here. I don’t know, it sounds silly given the circumstances but..” 

 

“Hogwash!” Lynda raises her voice. “Yer’ mother and father were horrible people and so were yer’siblings. No room for em’ here.” 

 

“Lynda is right, you are better off without them. Plus, once they find out you’ve been wed to a King they’ll come crawling to your feet.” Mary states, putting her hands on her hips. “They’ll be under your control.” 

 

“I don’t want to control anyone, I just want to be happy with my husband and finally live the life we have worked so hard to achieve.” Jaina tries to smile. “I’m tired, I’m tired of the violence.” 

 

“Soon enough it’ll be over.” Mary places her hand on Jaina’s shoulder and speaks again with a proud smile. “You two will create an empire that is loved by all. The people of this kingdom deserve someone like you ruling by his side.” 

 

“It’s time!” Lynda claps her hands excitedly. “You know what t’ do!”

 

Jaina nods nervously as she watches her friends leave her room and close the door behind them.  It was time for her to start her walk to the Chantry. Finally, she is starting the journey to happiness and escaping the trauma of her past. Jaina opens the door and walks down the short hallway, her dress following behind her. Taking a deep breath, she pulls her veil over her face and tries to ignore the ache in her heart - the feeling of not having a father to give her away. 

 

** •• **

 

After about ten minutes or so, Jaina found herself at the Chantry doors. Her hands grasped the fabric of her dress and she squeezed the material again, this time, the nerves were really setting in. The bells at the top of the castle were ringing and she could hear the bustle of inside the Chantry. She looked down to the ground and tried to steady her breathing, to calm the shake of her hands. Jaina tried to remember what it was like to feel as nervous as she was at this moment. A piece of her wished her family would see her married and finally be proud of her for once in her life, but she knew it was few and far in-between. Even if her family couldn't be there, she wished her favorite sister could have been in attendance, it's been a very long time since they spoke last. She just had to remember this was the start of a new chapter in her life's book, she could leave all of the bad behind her. Jaina knew she was about to marry the man of her dreams, the love of her life, and her best friend and she couldn't stop the girlish giggle that escaped her lips.  After a moment or two of breathing exercises, Jaina reached out to knock on the door to signal her being ready to enter but was interrupted. 

 

“Lady Trevelyan!” A voice calls out, prompting her to turn to the voice.  Lifting her veil, Jaina is greeted by a young scout with a letter in his hand. “This came for you moments ago, it is urgent.” 

 

Looking up at the young man, Jaina smiles and dismisses him, taking the letter into her hands. Looking back down, Jaina loses her breath at the seal of the sunburst throne. “Divine Justinia?” She gasps, feeling something drop in her stomach.  Opening the letter immediately, Jaina begins to read the contents. After a minute or two of reading, she has to steady herself against the stone wall. Slowly, she walks along the wall away from the doors of the Chantry and finds herself in a secluded meeting room. 

 

**_ “Jaina Elizabeth M. Trevelyan,  _ **

****

**_ Divine Justinia requests your presence at her side immediately, to accompany her to the Conclave at the Temple of Sacred Ashes.  _ **

**_ You are being tasked with the protection of the Divine, Most Holy. Should you carry out your mission successfully, your past at the Kirkwall Circle will be forgotten. Word has spread of your bravery these days and your reputation precedes you, the Divine has asked for you specifically.  _ **

**** **_ You will be expected at the Temple as soon as you’ve finished this letter. It is time to carry out your divine calling, the sunburst throne welcomes you with open arms. _ **

**_ -The Left Hand.”  _ **

 

Placing the letter onto the desk in front of her and her other hand on her stomach, Jaina choked back a sob, as a shiver ran down her spine. The honor of a lifetime had just presented itself and she is going to have to leave as soon as possible. There is no time for her to marry the love of her life and it broke her heart. She knew that the person who sent this letter knew her past and could use it against her in her rise to the throne. Not only would that information put her in danger, but it would also put him and their future family in danger. 

 

_ Staying at the castle would mean risking everything.  _

 

Reading the letter again and again and contemplating her choices must’ve taken a lot longer than she imagined because the door to the room had swung open - revealing a very worried groom.  “Jaina, thank the Maker! We’ve been searching everywhere for you... W-What’s the matter?” He questions, relief and panic perfectly mixed together in his expression as he nears her. 

 

She sniffles and stands straight, wiping the makeup from her eyes before she speaks. 

 

_ “Alistair.” _

 


	2. Two

 

 

** Post Conclave Destruction **

 

The loud crackling of the rift was explosive in volume as she closed it, knocking the memory of her wedding out of her thoughts. A small sense of pride filled her as she realized this was becoming easier than before. That pride was quickly washed away when the secondary realization that this rift was only the second of possibly hundreds. 

 

The elf named Solas reached up and patted her back, a smile on his face. He nodded to her and then began to speak. 

 

“Sealed, as before. You are becoming quite proficient at this.” He says out of breath. 

 

Taking a deep breath herself, Jaina takes in her surroundings. Leaning down to place her hands on her knees for oxygen support, Varric’s voice caught her attention. 

 

“Let’s hope it works on the big one.” He adds, reminding them all of what’s going to come. 

 

She didn’t need to be reminded about what was at stake here, her life is a constant reminder of all her past failures. Looking down at the jagged, painful, wound in her left hand, Jaina had so many questions. About to speak to Solas about her hand, a voice called out to the Seeker. The all too familiar voice made Jaina’s blood run cold. 

 

“No.”  She instantly froze in her spot, like she had been shackled to the ground.

 

She quickly turned her head in the direction of the voice, she nearly choked when her suspicions were correct. He walked with confidence, his stride long and his build taller than she remembered. He dawned his own set of armor, completely unique to him and he wore a black and red lions mane across his shoulders. His skin was pale, aged, and his golden hair still perfectly sat atop his head. 

 

“Lady Cassandra, you managed to close the rift? Well done.” He praises, clearly, too caught up in the moment to see her standing before him. 

 

For a moment, Jaina was rendered speechless. The years had done him well but, the hatred she felt for him would never be so easily turned just because he had become even more handsome. Something about him was...different, she thought but couldn’t quite place it. It was almost impossible to look away as the sun shone against his plate and sparkled in his hair. 

 

An exhausted sigh escaped the Seeker’s lips, “Do not congratulate me, Commander.” She begins to talk as she turns her body to face the rest of the group. “This is the prisoners doing.” 

_ Commander?! Who in their right mind would make this man a leader of their army?  _

 

It only took a mere second after looking away from the Seeker to see her, AKA, the prisoner, for the Commander to look. Something on his face was unreadable, he looked confused almost. He furrowed his brows as if he was looking at someone he recognized but didn’t know who. He looked unsettled but it was hard to tell if it was because of their history or because of the chaos around them. She laughed cynically when she noticed he did not recognize her after all this time. 

 

_He never thought he’d see me again._

 

Jaina watched as he tried to compose himself before them all, the rest of the party was staring at his lack of response. She let out a sigh she’d been holding in, shaking her head with an indifferent smile. He seemed shocked, he had never been one for confrontation and surely, he still isn’t. She wondered what he was thinking in that thick head of his. Would he plead for forgiveness, given the chance? Would she even accept it, even if he begged on his knees? 

 

_Although, that would not be a bad sight._

 

Taking a deep breath, the Commander took a few steps and stood before Jaina. His eyes felt like they were invading her thoughts, one thing that never changed apparently. She searched them, seeing every emotion he was feeling in this moment. Before this look would weaken her and he would whisk her away to bed. She wanted so badly to fix the broken Templar she knew then but it was no use. It was ironic he was showing these kinds of emotions before her now, considering their past. She thought it comical that even until this day, he’d never thought he’d see her once more. He cleared his throat and began to speak. “Is it? I hope they’re right about you. We’ve lost a lot of people getting you here.”

 

Taken back by his choice of words, Jaina squinted her eyes and stared at him with a glare so sharp it could cut diamonds.  How dare he use the lives of those lost against her? Had he really not recognized her? 

 

Scoffing, Jaina replies with venom in her tone. “You’re not the only one hoping that.” 

 

“We’ll see soon enough won’t we?” He says, beginning to walk from her and to the Seeker. Jaina took a deep, irritated breath before realizing she could no longer hear the song coming from him. Whenever they were close together, she could feel the Lyrium coursing through him and now, it was almost silent. 

 

_He couldn’t have possibly...No, he’d never be stupid enough to endanger himself like that._

 

“The way to the temple should be clear. Leliana will meet you there.” He points towards what used to be the Temple of Sacred Ashes. 

 

Cassandra turns and talks to the whole party, “Then we best move quickly. Give us time, Commander.” 

 

The Commander nods to her, then turns his gaze back to Jaina. His expression changes from serious to sadness, fear in his eyes. He always found a way to look directly into her eyes no matter how far from her he was, it sent chills down her spine - though, she’d try to convince herself it was the mountain chill.  What could he possibly be staring at her like that for? He could care less about what happens to her, she was sure that never changed. There was no way he actually gave a shit about her going into the Temple. 

 

“Maker watch over you - for all our sakes.” He grimaces, before turning away from her and jogging away to aid a wounded soldier. 

 

“Let’s move out.” The Seeker’s voice echoed, stirring Jaina out of her thoughts. 

 

They hopped down a ledge, probably what’s left of what used to be a short staircase. They all began to walk towards the inner-workings of Temple and Jaina nearly choked on the sight of the bodies burned before her. 

 

“Maker.” She groaned, before pulling her scarf over her mouth and nose. It took everything in her not to get sick. 

 

She knew this wouldn’t be an easy task but people were relying on her, thousands of lives counted on her success here. 

 

Failure isn’t an option. 

 

 

 


	3. Three

 

***

_ “I don’t want you to go.” He begged, taking a hold of her hands and his eyes pleading.  _

_ “Alistair. This was an order from Justinia herself!” Jaina reminds him, rubbing her thumbs along his hands. “One doesn’t just simply decline a directive from the Most Holy.”  _

_ “I don’t care if she’s the Most Holy or if she’s the Queen of the world, dammit! It is so dangerous for you to attend the Conclave, who knows what cretin are lurking there?” He protests.  _

_ “That is exactly why I’m being called upon.” She huffs, letting go of his hands and turning away with her arms crossing her chest.  _

_ Alistair goes around her and places his hands on her biceps, squeezing gently. He leans down a bit to meet her eyes and his expression was written with fear and despair. It was clear that he was taking in the sight of her just now, her wedding glory and beauty. This was not how he imagined his first and only wedding to turn out, begging her to stay. It didn’t take much to tell that Alistair was against her leaving. So much so, that it pained him to see that she actually wanted to go. He rested his forehead against her forehead, their noses touching and their lips a mere inch apart. Alistair closed his eyes and Jaina followed suit, both of them taking in each other’s presence.  _

_ “Please, Jay.” He begged, his beautiful eyes watering as they slowly opened to look at her. No man should have to ask his bride not to leave the altar.  _

_ “Ali, what would you do if I didn’t go and me not being there was the very reason something happened to Justinia?” She tried to rationalize the situation, tried to make him understand. “The collapse of the Chantry would send a shockwave throughout Thedas and chaos would spread!”  _

_ “Does it make me an awful man to say I would not feel anything knowing you were safe here?” He half-whispered.  _

_ “Yes!” Jaina exclaimed, unsure of how to process his answer.  _

_ Closing his eyes and hanging his head low, Alistair let out a short and shaky breath before pulling himself back up to meet her eyes once more. The look on his face showed he wouldn’t give up without a fight. He took her hands in his and caressed the knuckles with his thumbs, looking at her dress and how beautiful she looked in it. She was exactly how he imagined her on their day, divine beauty, he thought. Was he yet again going to lose someone he loves most to duty? Remembering the first time he went through this, he grits his teeth.  _

_ “Do you really wish to put yourself in danger that badly?” Alistair hissed.  _

_ “You know well enough what my specialty requires me to do!” Jaina fires back and putting emphasis on the word specialty, not liking his change in tone.  _

_ “Do you have no regard for yourself?!” He raises his voice. He’s hurt.  _

_ “Of course I do, you know I do. How could you ask me that?” She asks, throwing her hands in the air.  _

_ “Then you’ve no care for us then? Is that it?!” He starts to yell, his voice breaking. Alistair was starting to lose his composure, something he only did when he was really upset.  _

_ “What does that have to do with any of this?” She rolls her eyes, frustrated as to why he was blowing this out of proportion. “What does my job have to do with how much I love you, you fool?”  _

_ “I need you here, Jaina. I finally thought you had put this life behind you when you came to live here with me formally! Why can’t you give it up to spend the rest of your days with me?” He puts his hand on his chest, his eyes pleading for an answer.  _

_ “Ali...” She croaks, feeling the tears behind her eyes and the heat behind her face. “There are people, good people that need me.”  _

_ “Do you really wish to die and leave me here without you?” He runs his hands through his hair as he lets out a breath. “I could not bare it if something happened to you and I was not there to protect you.”  _

_ Jaina began to remember the stories of his love before her, how she watched her entire family be slaughtered and in the end - she sacrificed herself to save Thedas from the Archdemon. It was rumored that she was going to be his Queen, she had the support she needed. She knew Alistair must be having flashbacks and that is why he is acting irrationally.  _

_ “Of course not, you know I-“ _

_“I know you what .” He spits. _

_ “You know I wasn’t ready to be queen!” She shouts, her own voice scaring her for a moment. She watched as the weight of her own words hit him as he shook his head with an angry chuckle. “You even said it yourself. When you and I started courting, you said they’d never accept me as queen and this relationship would have to be a secret forever.”  _

_ He was lost in thought, Jaina could see him remembering his own words. She knew he remembered because of the face he was making.  _

_ Alistair had met her just outside of Kirkwall after the disaster with Meredith. Jaina had escaped the city just before the Chantry fell, Meredith’s goons had tried to make her tranquil and she had fled. Running from a certain Templar she once knew, she had watched him make her best friend tranquil just a week before. She quite literally plowed into him as she was running for her life and he offered aid.  _

_ Not too long after, Alistair had told her he wanted to bring her to the castle and she joked with him saying, ‘you want to make me queen already, huh?’ His reply was, ‘As if Fereldan would accept anyone other than a woman they’ve picked, but I’d very much like to court you when the time is right.’ Jaina recalled how stunned she had been that a King just proclaimed that he wanted to court her.  _

_ “What if I decided I didn’t want to keep us a secret anymore?” Alistair asks, crossing his arms. “What if I told them who you really were? You are a Trevelyan, born if a noble house! They will accept a noble bloodline.”  _

_Shocked, Jaina took in his words and thought about them. She wondered if he had gone mad, had the sickness already corrupted his brain? How in the void did he come to that kind of decision without discussing it with her first? There was no way in the Void, this was a proposal. _

_ “That would throw all of Thedas through a loop, Fereldan would revolt! Could you imagine, Alistair?” Jaina starts, taking a step towards him. “A female of noble birth, yes, sure. But a mage who helped aid in mass murder of high-ranking Templars at the Kirkwall Circle at that! A mage who barely has used her magic since because she’s a fucking assassin for the throne!”  _

_ Her delusions were finally showing through, she had been denying it for the longest time. They were about to be married yes, but, she was marrying him under an alias to hide her identity. Now, she understands it won’t work.  _

_ “No one will find out about your magic or your dealings, love.” Alistair closes the distance between them. His tone was soft and inviting, warmth enveloped her. He wraps one arm around her waist tightly and the other to hold her face, his brown eyes staring lovingly into her blue. “Don’t you see? I am the King, I can have all of those parts covered up and sealed away. Very few people have seen you at my side and I could re-introduce you into court. We can do this the right way, we can do this.”  _

_ Leaning into his hand, Jaina closed her eyes and cherished the feeling of his hand. She couldn’t lie to herself and say a future like that hadn’t crossed her mind a few times. She couldn’t say she dreamed of sitting at his side, leading the country, and being his confidant.  _

_ “Just imagine it, Jay. Leading the nation with you at my side, making Fereldan a better place day by day. You could have the life you should have had in Ostwick but better, with me.” He presses on, his thumb grazing her lower lip. “We could have the life we never could.”  _

_ For only a moment, their grand wedding flashed in her mind. An elegant wedding dress that rivaled the Empress’s own fineries, food from all over Thedas, and her groom waiting at the end of the aisle for her - a goofy smile spread across his lips. She pictured what was almost their first dance and the eyes of a thousand people, there to be a part of history. The first mage on the throne and the first Queen to petition the Chantry to free the mages and make them free people. That was her dream.  _

_ And it had been so close.  _

_ She imagined a life where the cure to the blight sickness existed and Alistair would be free of his ailments. A life where she could put her bloody and dark past behind her and she could relax, bearing his children. He’s always wanted a few of his own and she could bring him that joy, if only.  _

_ Even if those were her dreams when she and Alistair met, they could no longer be her dreams now. She’s got too much blood on her hands and her reputation precedes her. It would be far too dangerous for her to ascend to the throne with him under her real name, she’d be putting his life at risk. The one person she vowed to always protect, she’d never allow herself to be the reason for his undoing.  _

_ Opening her eyes, she could see his tears running down his cheeks. “Don’t leave me.” He sniffles, his eyes red and cheeks puffed. Seeing him like this broke her and she wanted nothing more than to stay but she had a duty. The Divine needed protection and she was a child of faith, the Maker would not take kindly to her allowing his Most Holy perish. Alistair knew her faith was all that kept her strong some days and what kept her alive in Kirkwall. How could he ask her to choose between thwarting a possible assassination attempt on Justinia and him?  _

_ She had to think of the consequences that would befall upon her if she chose him over protecting Justinia. The Maker would send his wrath to her, surely.  _

_ “Ali...” She cries, feeling her own tears now. She took a step back, her heart shattered at the look she got from Alistair. She pulled from his warm embrace, looking away and wiping her tears. “I have to go.”  _

_ An ominous silence broke over them both. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes and she was sure she had hurt him, which in turn, hurt her even more. Slowly, she returned her gaze back to him and lost her breath.  _

_ He was different. His stance, his aura, everything had changed in that brief silence. His tears had been wiped away, his arms firmly at his side, and his eyes closed. Once he had opened his eyes, Jaina was stunned at the man she was looking at - because it didn’t feel like him anymore. What happened to her Alistair?  _

_ “I shall take you leaving as you never coming back then,” Alistair said coldly, Jaina’s chest seizing up. His immediate change in mind made her panic.  _

_ “W-What?” Jaina stuttered, taking a step forward, confused.  _

_ “Don’t.” He stops her. “You have made your choice. Clearly, what I wish does not matter to you. You will not step foot in the castle after this day.”  _

_ “Alistair wa-“ _

_ “Enough! There is nothing left for you here.” He bellowed, his sudden rise in voice echoing against the walls and startling her. “I wish you luck on your mission, Lady Trevelyan. Give Justinia my kindest regards.”  _

_ Jaina felt her fingertips go cold and she could hear her own pulse in her ears. Alistair’s hands clenched into fists before  he bowed and turned on his heel to walk away from her.  _

_ “Alistair!” She cried out, her voice cracking and hoarse. He didn’t once look back or even flinch at her calling out to him, he continued to walk down the narrow hallway until he disappeared. She dropped to her knees and clutched her chest, her eyes wide in horror at what just transpired.  _

 

** *** **

 

Jaina woke from the dream, screaming his name. She had been sweating, she could feel it all over her back and chest. Her hair had stuck to the sides of her face and her hands were clammy, nausea plagued her senses. Immediately throwing herself out of her bed, she grabbed the pale next to her bed and threw up nothing but mucus. Had this dream been a piece of the memories she had lost? 

 

Opening her eyes from the constant wretching for five minutes, she realized she had no idea where she was. She was in a shabby cabin with a fire at the opposite side of the room and a bookcase adjacent to her bed. 

 

“Oh!” An elven woman with short, brown hair gasped as she dropped the box she was carrying. “I didn’t know you were awake, I swear!” 

 

What’s pissed in her oats?  Jaina thought to herself, she must look like quite the image as she’s hung over the pale. 

 

“Don’t worry about it, I only-“

 

The elf immediately dropped to her hands and knees, startling Jaina. “I beg your forgiveness and your blessing, I am but a humble servant.” 

 

Pushing the pale away from her chest, Jaina wipes the residue of sickness from her lips. 

 

“You are back in Haven, My Lady.” Jaina snickered at the title she hadn’t heard in years. “They say you saved us. The Breach stopped growing, just like the mark on your hand!” 

 

Sitting with her back against the bed and her legs pulled up to her chest, Jaina examines the woman before her. Why was she so afraid of Jaina? Why is she asking for blessings? Jaina looked down at her hand and it flared but it was no longer as painful as it was before the Temple. It was smaller, less jagged but still very uncomfortable. 

 

“It’s all anyone has talked about for the last three days!” The elf mentions. 

 

Maker, three days I’ve been out?! 

 

“So you’re saying...they’re happy with me?” Jaina asks, curiously. After all the Chancellor said and the people of Haven said, was it actually possible she was no longer a suspect? 

 

“Ah, I’m only sayin’ what I’ve heard. I didn’t mean anything by it!” She begins to stand up, her body language still fearsome and uncomfortable. “I’m certain Lady Cassandra will want to know you’ve wakened. ‘At once.’ She said!” 

 

“And where is the Seeker?” Jaina asks, standing up or at least trying to. 

 

“In the Chantry with the Lord Chancellor. ‘At once!’ She said.” She squirms until she runs out the door, slamming it behind her. 

 

What the fuck?  She asked herself. 

 

Groaning, she stumbled over to the dresser across the room next to her bookcase. She nearly shrieked when she saw her own reflection. 

 

“How many days has it been since I last saw myself...” She whispered quietly in disbelief. 

 

Her dark brown hair had been turned a stark, bright, white-blonde color. Her usual sunburned skin is now whiter than the snow outside. She moved closer to the mirror and examined herself, noticing her blue eyes were now not just blue but encompassed by the eerie green of the Breach. She notes that she looks ill like she hadn’t eaten or drank for weeks. She didn’t recognize the woman she was staring at, then again, when had she ever been comfortable with what she saw? 

 

“This...This is going to take some getting used to.” She talks to herself as she starts to fix her hair so she can get dressed for the day. 

 

Was this why the Commander looked at me so weird?  She asked herself, finally putting the pieces together as to why he looked as if he knew her and then treated her like a stranger. 

 

“I don’t even care about that!” She scolds herself as she pulls her clothing onto her cold body. 

 


	4. Four

****

**“Address the Chantry” Mission **

 

“Like what you see, kid?” Varric chuckles at Jaina’s face. 

 

Looking at the gates of Val Royeaux, Jaina takes in everything she sees. Gold inlays on the columns, beautiful blues painted, and amazing architecture stood before them. She had never seen such aesthetically pleasing buildings and statues before.  “Would you believe me if I told you I’ve never been here before?” Jaina admits. 

 

“With your line of work? Yes, it’s surprising to hear.” Varric replies. 

 

“Keep your eyes open, it is too quiet. I do not like the lack of activity we’re seeing as of right now.” Cassandra says warily, surveying the city. 

 

“The Seeker is right. It is unsettling how quiet it is.” Solas adds in. 

 

Jaina finished her gazing and nearly bumped into a finely dressed lady. Apologizing quickly, the woman squeals in fear at the first notice of who she was. Lifting her brow in confusion, Jaina shrugs her shoulders and tells the woman to piss off under her breath. 

 

“Just a guess, Seeker, but I think they all know who we are.” Varric rolls his eyes as they all continue through the gate. 

 

“Your skills of observation never fails to impress me, Varric.” The Seeker groans. 

 

Almost immediately a young scout, Leliana’s no doubt, ran up to them in a hurry and began to speak. “My Lady Herald.” She vows to one knee, placing her hands atop it.

 

“You’re one of Leliana’s people. What have you found?” Cassandra asks, curiously. Jaina chuckled to herself, her knowledge of Leliana’s scout unsurprising to herself. 

 

“The Chantry mothers await you, but... so do a great many Templars!” The scout warns. 

 

“There are Templars here?” Cassandra asks, shocked. 

 

“People seem to think the Templars will protect them from... from the Inquisition.” The scout informs them. “They’re gathering on the other side of the market. I think that’s where the Templars intend to meet you.” 

 

“Protect  them from  us ?” Jaina laughs cynically. 

 

“This does not bode well.” Solas interjects. 

 

“No, it doesn’t.” Cassandra admits, shaking her head. “We must be careful.” 

 

“I’ll show them careful.” Jaina mutters annoyed, gripping her daggers in hand with a snarl on her lips. 

 

“You’ve got quite the temper, I would hold off on using it to fuel your hate fire there, Shorty.” Varric suggests. 

 

“Shorty?” Jaina questions the nickname. 

 

“Not to burst your bubble or anything but have you noticed you’re a lot shorter than the average female?” He laughs. “Your temper matches your height.” 

 

“You’re calling _me_  Shorty?! Varric,  you’re a fucking dwarf!” Jaina laughs. 

 

“Herald, you do have quite an interesting medical history. I recall reading that many of your traits do not match your biological parents. I also remember reading a document that a healer from Wycome wrote stating his concern that you were an illegitimate child.” Solas begins, standing next to her. “Do you think it all that mad that your mother could have been an elf?” 

 

“What are you suggesting, Solas?” Jaina questions. “I’d like to read that document when we get back to Haven.” 

 

“I would not mean to patronize you, Herald. Though, I am curious to find out.” He smirks. “You possess many qualities of a Dalish.” 

 

_And what qualities are those, egg-head?_   The thought never crossed her mind but Solas was not the first elf to tell her the same thing. Jaina wondered if she could use the Inquisition’s resources to get information on the woman. 

 

“It would make sense with her height.” Varric continues joking. 

 

“Varric? Do you _want_ a dagger in your throat while sleeping? Cause, joking about my height gets you a dagger to the throat while you’re sleeping.” Jaina shoots him a glare. 

 

“I’d love to see that.” Cassandra jokes. 

 

“Ugh, let’s get moving.” Varric rolls his eyes with a smile. 

 

** •••••• **

 

Jaina had been dreading the trip back to Haven. She and Varric had been getting along nicely since she arrived and he has been very supportive of her. For the first time since leaving Alistair, Jaina felt like she had a friend. Her last friend had chosen to stay with the King and that betrayal hurt even still today, Varric made her feel at home.  Varric had given her a few books to choose from and she chooses to read a few of the ones he had written himself. The trip to Val Royeaux was boring and she needed something to do when they camped out at night when she couldn’t sleep. 

 

“It’s good you’ve returned. We’ve heard of your encounter.” Josephine greets them at the Chantry doors in Haven. 

 

“You heard?” Cassandra asks, perplexed. 

 

“My agents in the city sent word ahead, of course,” Leliana informs them. 

 

“It’s a shame the Templars abandoned their senses, as well as the Capital,” Cullen adds, crossing his arms. The look on his face told everything Jaina needed to know about how this conversation would go. He stood stoically and tall if she hadn’t known the man she’d think he was intimidating. 

 

“We had to do something and now we have an opportunity,” Jaina speaks up as they begin to walk to the War Room. 

 

“Yes, and we have the opening we need to approach the Templars and the Mages,” Josie says, trying to lighten the mood. 

 

“Do we? Lord Seeker Lucius is not the man I remember.” Cassandra sighs, the upset of betrayal still stung her and it was obvious. Jaina didn’t know how to comfort her on the way back to Haven and she still didn’t now. Even if she showed her distrust before, she defended Jaina at the gathering and it shocked her. The least she could do was try to show her some sympathy. 

 

“True, he has taken the order somewhere but to do what?” Leliana questions. “My reports have been... very odd.” 

 

“We must look into it. I’m certain not everyone in the Order will support the Lord Seeker.” Cullen suggests, his concern for his brothers prevalent. 

 

“Hmm. I wonder about that, Commander.” Jaina says, flatly. “I wonder what the younger you would have done in this type of situation.” 

 

Cullen looks at her with a weird expression, almost like he was trying to read hers. Surely, he was wondering why she’d ask such a question. With the look on her face, he’d almost wonder if she was upset with him.  “Or the Herald could go to meet the mages in Redcliffe, instead.” Josie counters Jaina’s upcoming bad mood. 

 

“You think the Mage rebellion is more united? It could be ten times worse.” Cullen immediately rejects Josie’s idea. Jaina scoffed at his comment and rolled her eyes in annoyance, knowing he was going to shoot that idea down. 

 

“So much for turning over a new leaf.” Jaina taunted, shaking her head and crossing her arms. 

 

“Herald, what _is_ the matter?” Cassandra asks, surely she could sense the tension. 

 

“Oh, nothing. I’m just curious as to how the Commander believes we will close the Breach. Surely, throwing swords into the sky and enabling power hungry Lyrium addicts will.” Jaina says, irritated. 

 

“Herald, I-“ Cullen begins but is interrupted by Josephine, who clearly saw the tension rising, once more. “We shouldn’t discount Redcliffe, it may be worth the risk.” 

 

“They are powerful, Ambassador but more desperate than you realize.”  Cassandra warns. 

 

“In any case, we should get back to work. Herald, get some rest. I am sure you have a busy day ahead of you tomorrow.” Leliana suggests. 

 

“I think I’m going to drink myself into a stupor later.” Jaina admits before quickly trying to leave the Chantry. 

 

Jaina hurried to her cabin and slammed the door behind her, not wanting to think of anything that happened in the last few weeks. What she read about Cullen and how he treated mages in the Fereldan Circle, she felt sick to her stomach. It was still clear his distrust for mages clouded his judgment and Jaina felt like she had been lying to herself the whole time. He had never shown her hostility or distrust in Kirkwall, then again, he seemed to have a thing for his charges. She rolled her eyes and mentally slapped herself for reminding herself of the past. The Commander had told her he had turned over a new leaf, that he had done things in his past he wasn’t proud of but even now he was the same as then.  Changing her clothes, Jaina freshened up and made her way to the tavern to get drinks with Varric. She would talk to him and see what he had to say about the matter. She scolded herself, she was always the type to try and see the good no matter how awful people were and here she is trying to justify the Commander’s ignorance. Even when she knew him in Kirkwall, she tried to see past his shortcomings. 

 

Memories flooded back into her mind of her younger days in the Kirkwall Circle. She was not technically his charge but she still saw him often enough to strike a conversation every time they met. Usually, they talked about their home and their families over chess but as the days got closer to Meredith’s craze, she saw less of him. She started to hear stories of Meredith’s “minions” and one of the other mages at the Circle said they saw him participating in making mages tranquil for harmless crimes. Jaina tried to ignore it because rumors liked to spread all the time, who was she to believe a baseless rumor? She chose to ignore them all until her best friend had been made tranquil the very next day. 

 

_ ~~~~~~ _

_ “Is it true?! Where is Annette?!” Jaina asks, in a panic.  _

_ “Last I heard she was sitting in the library.” Owen, another Circle mage, replies hesitantly.  _

_ Jaina ran as fast as her feet could take her down the long, twisting stone hallways. She had been helping the younger children in the Circle learn how to read when she heard the news. Her closest friend, Annette, had been made tranquil for stealing bread from the kitchens for the very children Jaina was reading to. Meredith had gone on another tirade and punished the children for not learning quick enough, their punishment was no food or water for two weeks. Jaina and Annette had taken turns finding whatever they could for them, their hearts aching for their starving bellies.  _ _ Once she had reached the library, she saw the familiar form of her friend. Long and straight blonde hair cascaded down her back, her tall and slender body too big for her robes and her ankles on display. Jaina could always pick her out of a crowd of people because of her ill-fitting robes, one of the things she loved about her friend.  _

_ Catching her breath, Jaina drew closer and noticed Annette had been flipping through a book near a window. Nothing seemed too off, but the atmosphere around her had changed.  _

_ “Annette?” Jaina called out, reaching for her shoulder.  _

_ “Welcome back, Miss Trevelyan.” Her friend's voice sounding scripted almost. “Is there something you need?”  _

_ It felt like the wind had been knocked out of Jaina’s chest when she heard her friend speak. She sounded so fake and the agony Jaina began to feel was immediately exacerbated when she saw the brand on Annette’s forehead. Tears began to fall down her cheeks when she noticed the connection they shared had been severed forever, her magic completely gone from her being.  _ _ “What is the matter, Miss Trevelyan?” Annette asks, stoic and no life in her voice.  _

_ “Maker...” Jaina sobbed.  _

_ “Are you in pain? Are you sick? Should I take you to see a healer?” Annette asks, raising a brow.  _

_ “Who...who are you?” Jaina asks.  _

_ “That is a silly question! I am Annette Amelia Ansburg.” She proudly states.  _

_ “No, no, no! You are Annie, master herbalist, kicker of all asses, my very best friend! Can’t you remember?!” Jaina cried, putting her hands on the woman’s shoulders.  _

_ “I am aware of our history, Miss Jaina. I apologize for I do not understand those titles anymore. I am very sorry for the inconvenience.” Annette sighs like she is trying to feel empathy. _

_ “Who...who did this to you?!” Jaina questions, feeling her anger boil inside of her like a pot boiling over on a stove.  _

_ “I had done something horrible so it was decided this was the best course of action.” She begins. “I believe Meredith decided my punishment but those in attendance were...” _

_ Jaina had started to lose herself to the anger, to the heartbreak of losing her best friend, she started to tune out the emotionless rambling of Annette’s vessel. She balled her fists together so hard she nearly made her palms bleed from her fingernails until Annette said a name she couldn’t believe.  _

_ “Did you just say, Knight-Captain Cullen?” Jaina interrogates, her heart stopping in her chest and her sweat running cold.  _

_ “I believe I did, yes.” Annette’s vessel answers.  _

_ The rumors were true and Jaina felt immensely stupid for even associating with the man. How could she have befriended such a horrible person, he had lied to her! They had spent so much time together and she even...  _

_ Maker.  _

 

 _ A loud sob escaped her lips at the realization that she had fallen in love with such a...monster! How could she have allowed it to happen?! She had fallen in love like a lovesick Chantry sister, like a child. Never again would she allow herself to fall so low in her life, never, she vowed.  _ _ Immediately, Jaina found herself running out of the library. She would go wherever she could to get away from the suffocating heartache of this day.  _

_ ~~~~~~ _

 

“Ah, I see you’ve finally come to join us, Shorty!” Varric muses, raising his tankard in the air. 

 

Sitting down beside the dwarf, Jaina rubbed her fingers through her hair. She let out a long sigh of frustration at her memory.  “What’s on your mind?” He asks, setting his drink down and waving Flissa over. 

 

“Oh you know, the overwhelming and crushing weight of the millions of lives on my shoulders. The sudden realization that if I can’t seal the Breach, Thedas is fucked ass backward annnnnd a memory from Kirkwall brought up some suppressed emotions.” Jaina says. “You know, the normal stuff.” 

 

“What’ll it be, lass?” Flissa asks, her hands on her hips. 

 

“The strongest shit you’ve got.” Jaina demands, laying her aching head on the cold table. 

 

“Damn, you’ve got a lotta shit on your plate, huh?” Varric asks. 

 

“Yep.” She replies, groaning. 

 

“Wanna talk about it?” He wonders. 

 

“Maybe when I’m drunk.” She says, flipping her head to the other side to look at him. 

 

A few hours go by and Varric and Jaina have gained a crowd. Naturally, Jaina is an awful drunk and loves to try and fight people who piss her off then loves to cry about it after. Varric, on the other hand, stopped drinking to make sure she didn’t kill anyone or herself.  What she didn’t know is that within the crowd of people at the Tavern, silently watched the Commander at another table. He watched as she picked a fight with some recruit because he told Flissa her food tasted like “Druffalo shit.” Jaina then stabbed her dagger through his meat and into the table, threatening to cut his “teeny little balls off and feed em’ to said Druffalo” if he insulted Flissa again. Of course, it scared the poor guy shitless and he ran for the hills, leaving Flissa a nice tip on his way out. Then he watched her arm wrestle Varric because she insisted she was stronger, unaware that the sneaky dwarf knew how to cheat and win even if she was stronger than him. Once things had calmed down, she began to cry with her head on the table. Her hair a mess, hiccuping every five minutes, and snot dribbling down her nose as she cried, Cullen couldn’t help but laugh at the poor creature. That was until, well, he overheard his name as the pair exit the tavern. 

 

“Don’t worry about Curly, he’ll come around.” Varric tries to soothe her, both of them now outside. As for Cullen, he kept a close watch and followed them secretly. There was no way he could possibly leave them alone after hearing them talk of him.  Cullen watched as they exited the gates of Haven, sitting out on the pier on the frozen lake. Jaina pulled the hood of her cloak over her hair, hiding any emotion she might be showing. Varric buttoned his coat and pulled on a pair of gloves. Cullen sat on one of the boulders behind them, ready to listen. 

 

“You may know him from your few interactions alongside Hawke but I... I was in the Circle.” She began. 

 

“So? He isn’t a bad guy, Herald.” Varric tries to convince her. 

 

“You’re only saying that because you didn’t see the look on his face.” She hiccups. “You didn’t see what he did.” 

 

“What look?” Varric tries to understand. “What did he do?”

 

“When he took part in making my very best friend Annie tranquil, I was so sad, Varric.” She starts storytelling. “I was so sad that I entertained the idea of rebelling with the other mages as the Circle fell. I didn’t care what would happen to me, I was so grief-stricken.”

 

“Okay, I’m listening.” He sets his head on his hand. 

 

“As the mages began to stage a rebellion, I ended up killing so many Templars that I knew and some that I didn’t. We started with the ones who had a habit of molesting the mages. They were the scummiest, dirtiest pieces of shit. We made their deaths slower than paint drying.” Jaina continues. “Next, we went to the abusers and the ones who used their power to keep us quiet, they silenced us more times than I could count. We slit their throats and went on.” 

 

“Shit, that’s...uh, a lot to take in.” Varric says, his eyes wide. “Did the Templars... did they-?”

 

“I was one of the lucky ones. Annie, not so much.” Jaina clasped her hands together. 

 

“You two were close, huh?” He asks, looking up at her. 

 

“Yes. We were. Once we finished with them, Owen, Annie’s beloved, suggested we go after the Templars who made her tranquil.” She sighs. “So we did. We killed them and it was so bloody, so barbaric, I even remember feeling nothing but rage.” 

 

“Didn’t you say Curly helped? You didn’t kill him, clearly.” Varric adds in. 

 

“No, we didn’t. That’s because he wasn’t there.” Jaina pulled her hair out of her braid. 

 

“What happened then?” He asks, curious now. 

 

“Cullen finally showed up as we were leaving. I remember the look on his face when he saw the walls painted with the blood of his brothers, Varric. I remember how he looked at us, at me, like we were abominations that needed to be struck down. But most of all, I saw how he looked at  me .” She recalled, tears welling behind her eyes. “His eyes bore right through me, betrayal on his young face. We were good friends in Kirkwall before what happened to Annie. I was so overcome with sadness and anger that I couldn’t believe he would have done something so awful but he did and I lost myself.” 

 

“Keep going.” Varric urged her to let it out. 

 

“I could feel him getting ready to use his power to stop us and I knew he’d be successful in doing so. He looked so broken, so...hurt. I remember feeling indifferent because he hurt me, too. He took away the one person in my life that made me feel human and I wanted him to feel that hurt, too.” Jaina admitted, feeling a tear slip down her cheek. Cullen watched from afar, his chest aching at the painful memory. 

 

“Why did you want him to feel that pain, Jaina? You said you were friends, surely he wasn’t a bad guy if you were friends.” Varric questions. 

 

“You don’t understand!” She raises her voice a little. “That’s not all that happened.” 

 

Cullen felt his stomach rolling and flipping. This was a memory he thought he had finally flushed from his memory, from his nightmares. Hearing it from her side only made the pain of his actions sting worse. Though there were things she did not understand from his side and there were things he did not as well. 

 

“So what happened? I won’t understand unless you tell me.” Varric scolds her. 

 

Taking a deep breath and then slowly letting it out, Jaina began to speak. “Cullen had silenced all of us. Just by himself, he silenced  six of us. Shortly after, the rest of the others came, striking down each of those I stood with. It was the first time I had ever felt true fear in my entire life. I watched them all die and the only thing I could do was watch in horror.” 

 

“What happened to you?” Varric asks, concern written all over his face. “You obviously survived.” 

 

“They tied my limp body to a chair and accused me of using blood magic. They told me my crime was punishable by death but because of what I did to their fellow brothers, they would draw out my punishment.” Jaina’s hands started to shake. “They... They beat me until unconsciousness and within inches of my life. When I came to, I cried out to him. All he did was watch.” 

 

“I-I’m sure there was nothing he could do, kid.” Varric tries to cover for him. 

 

“He looked me in my eyes as he watched them nearly kill me, Varric! It looked like he felt no remorse like he didn’t have a care in the world that it was happening to me!” Jaina felt her eyes watering. “When they finally finished, I had fallen unconscious again. My pulse must have dropped so low that they thought they had killed me.” 

 

“They left you there?” He asks, surprised. 

 

“They left me to rot with the bodies of my friends and the Templars I killed.” She seethed. “Little did they know that the venom in my veins and the hate in my heart had fueled me enough to escape. I don’t think Cullen ever thought he would see me again. I must look like a ghost to him.” 

 

“Damn, I honestly don’t know how you managed to survive all of that.” Varric chuckles, putting his hand on her back. “I’m glad you did, though.” 

 

“You can’t even begin to understand the pain I felt that day, no one can. I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, I wanted to run my daggers through his stupid fucking body. I wanted him to suffer for the longest time.” Jaina admitted. 

 

“Why would you want to do that?” He asks, shocked at her confession. 

 

“Because... it’s complicated.” She grits her teeth. 

 

“What’s complicated?” He questions. 

 

“I fell in love with him!” She cried into her hands. Cullen’s mouth fell open at her confession and watched as Varric patted her back as her shoulders shook. He thought he was dreaming but the all too real feeling of regret and guilt reminded him he was awake.  “I had never known love before and maybe it was because he was one of the only Templars to show me kindness. Hell, one of the only men in my life to show my kindness at that time. Maybe it was because I was young and naive but I did, I fell stupidly in love with him and the day I realized it was the day I was faced with my best friend as a tranquil!” She wiped her eyes. 

 

“Did you ever tell him?” Varric asks, just as shocked as Cullen was as he listened even more carefully. 

 

“I was going to that day. I was going to go straight to him and punch him in his ignorant fucking face. I didn’t care what punishment I would’ve have gotten. I would have given him a piece of my mind because he had taken Annie away from me.” Jaina sighed, sadly. “Then I was going to tell him how I hated that I loved him.” 

 

“Holy shit, you’re crazy! They would have made you tranquil and I’m sure they would have made the poor sap do it, too.” Varric replies. 

 

“I wouldn’t have cared.” She answers. 

 

“What if he was in love with you, too?” Varric asks in theory. “How awful do you think it would be to find out the woman you loved, loved you, too but you had to make her tranquil? You would have been okay with that?” 

 

“If he loved me back then, he wouldn’t have helped make Annie tranquil. He knew how important she was to me.” Jaina states. “If he loved me then, then he would have rescued me when I cried out for him when I was being beaten. He left me for dead and I had decided that I hated him forever.” 

 

“Wow.” Varric says, yawning. “I’m sorry you went through all of that.” 

 

“You’re the first person I told other than Alistair.” Jaina admits, slightly laughing to herself. 

 

At the mention of an old name he used to know, Cullen was shocked to hear that she knew him. How could she possibly know the King of Fereldan? He wondered. 

 

“First you fell in love with a Chantry boy and then you fall in love with a King? Damn, Shorty, you really have an... interesting choice in men.” Varric chuckles. 

 

“You don’t need to tell me that twice.” She tries to laugh with him. 

 

“You gotta tell me, how did he react when you left for the Conclave?” Varric asks, curiously. 

 

“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.” She sighs, rolling her eyes. 

 

“Aw, come on! Tell me!” He begs. 

 

“Promise you’ll say nothing?” She pleads. 

 

“You have my honor.” He smiles, holding his hand over his heart. 

 

“Alistair and I... When I got the notice from the Chantry about serving the Divine, I was about to meet him at the altar.” She sighs, nostalgically. 

 

“No way!” Varric laughs. 

 

“I was about to walk down the aisle when I got the letter. You could imagine the shock and panic I went through, but it escalated when Ali found me with a letter in hand.” Jaina remembers, looking up into the night sky. 

 

“He knew it was coming, didn’t he?” Varric asks. 

 

“A piece of me wonders if he truly knew and that’s why he wanted to marry me so quickly.” Jaina bites her lip. “A Queen could never leave her kingdom to fight.” 

 

Cullen nearly choked on his own breath at her statement. Luckily, he was far enough away for no one to see him. 

 

“Maker’s tits! Why didn’t you stay?” Varric exclaims. 

 

“Any dreams I had of spending my life on the throne with him, getting married or having a family was dirtied by the things I did. You don’t just marry a woman who killed countless Templars in Kirkwall and a woman who was a hired assassin for the throne. Even if I am of noble birth.”

 

“You’re one scary lady. Remind me never to piss you off.” He laughs. 

 

Cullen escaped back to his tent, replaying that horrid day back in his head as he laid in his cot. He could remember exactly what her cries and screams sounded like as she called out to him. He had been paralyzed by fear then, after what happened in Kinloch, it felt like he had relived the use of blood magic. It was like he was there but he wasn’t like he was reliving a nightmare. 

 

 


	5. Five

Waking up today had been easier than the previous days at Haven since Jaina arrived. 

 

It was cold. 

 

Jaina wrapped her fur blanket around her shoulders tightly and began to search for something remotely warm to wear. Sifting through the small collection of clothing she’s acquired so far, she sighs loudly realizing that she has nothing warm enough. Rolling her eyes and shaking her head, Jaina pulled her blanket around her tighter and made her way out the door. She encountered Seggrit and began to browse what he had, quickly noticing that most of the clothing he had was made for men - also way too big.“Excuse me, don’t you have anything made for women?” Jaina calls out to the blonde, scruffy looking man. Seggrit had decided to ignore her and continue talking to another man, only adding to her bad mood this morning. She figured she’d wait a few more minutes to allow him to finish his conversation in case she had rudely interrupted but five minutes turned to ten and then ten turned to fifteen. Jaina had started to shiver at this point and she didn’t want to waste energy by using her magic to warm her when she had somewhere to be. She decided that she needed to use the side of her she hated. 

 

“Hey!” Jaina yells, stalking over to the man. “Some business you run here, eh?” 

 

Jaina ran her fingers along a few sword blades and scoffs. “Seems like these swords you’re selling for twenty silvers ain’t even worth a copper, couldn’t even knick my finger let alone an opponent.” Slowly she began to examine more of the clothing he had on display and clicked her tongue, earning the attention of a few customers. “Would’ya look at that! Even some of this lambswool has bugs in it, can’t imagine staying warm with infested fur.”  Her comments started to drive away the few people that had been standing beside her, likely looking for the same thing as she. Naturally, it caught Seggrit’s attention and sure enough, he came stomping over. 

 

“What’s your problem, lady?” He throws his hands up, his voice loud as if he’s trying to scare her. 

 

“Oh?” Jaina muses, a devilish grin on her face appearing. “Whatever do you mean?” 

 

“Drivin’ off all my business like that will only get you in trouble, I suggest you cut the shit.” He threatens, sizing her up as he closed the distance between them. Jaina stood tall even though she only came up to his chin. Her head was held high and her nose stuck right in the air towards him, she poked his chest with her finger. “You  suggest  I cut the shit, huh?” She laughs. Their argument starting to catch the attention of everyone around them, drawing a crowd. “Well, I suggest you start taking better care of your wares and catering to the masses instead of the few. I’m sure the Lady Ambassador would have no problem turning your ass out for improper business practices!” 

 

Of course, that made the man incredibly angry. He had no poker face and it was clear that he was about to blow his top, making Jaina laugh at how short his temper was and how easy it was to instigate him. Her chuckling at his anger must’ve set him off because he raised his hand toward her like he was going to strike her. Jaina had readied herself to fight back but the blow never came and when she opened her eyes, she couldn’t believe what she saw. The Commander had a strong grip on Seggrit’s arm, had him completely subdued - arms behind his back, like a hog. “May I remind you this is not your first warning, Seggrit.” The Commander growls. “I told you what would happen if I caught you raising your hand to one of our people, let alone our Herald.”

 

The title made Jaina nervous, uneasy. Being Andraste’s Herald was an honor she wasn’t sure she deserved, especially now. Seeing Cullen come to her aid made a piece of her chest hurt. When she was younger, such bravery would have swept her off her feet. She remembered that this was not the first time he had saved her from being struck by another man. The memory of the last time he had helped her sent a shiver down her already freezing spine. Jaina wanted to be angry and to tell the Commander she didn’t need his help not now and not ever but it wou ldn’t look very professional.

 

“Commander, you don’t under-“

 

“I don’t need to, I saw and heard enough to know exactly what you were about to do.” The Commander answers, clearly irritated that he’s got to deal with this man again. Seggrit fell silent as Cullen released him, rubbing his forearms from where he had been held. He returned back behind his stand and stood silently, refusing to make eye-contact with Jaina. She pulled her blanket back around her shoulders since it fell to the ground in the almost scuffle. She blew hot air into her hands as she began to walk away. “Thank you.” She told the Commander as she tried to hurry away to avoid any conversation but she wasn’t quick enough. 

 

“Herald.” He called to her, making her stop in her tracks. 

 

Jaina could think of a million things she’d rather be doing right now than talk to a ghost from her past. Turning back around to face him, Jaina examined his attire. Usually, he was in his armor and his fur pelt but at this moment he was completely bare - in a sense. He wore a long-sleeve tan shirt and leather pants, boots and a sword at his hip. She wondered if one of the scouts had interrupted his morning routine to alert him of a possible fight. “Good morning, Commander.” 

 

“Good morning.” He tries to smile. This was the most they’ve talked since she arrived at Haven, despite his numerous attempts to do so. 

 

“Is there something you need?” She asks, trying to keep things short since she’s now so cold she may need a bath to warm herself. 

 

“I was wondering if I could ask you something.” Cullen began to scratch at the back of his head awkwardly. 

_It seems old habits die hard._

 

“I’m not sure.” Jaina admits, feeling her teeth chatter from the cold. The Commander must have sensed something was wrong because he stepped forward, a worried expression on his face. 

 

“Maker, it’s freezing out here and I didn’t even- I am _so_ sorry, where is your coat?” He questions sternly. Jaina had to stop herself from allowing her disbelief in his concern for her from showing on her face. 

 

“I-I don’t have one. All that I had was destroyed at the Conclave...” She trails off, trying not to be annoyed that he sounded like he was scolding her for not having one. 

 

“That won’t do.” He scolds. “Give me ten minutes and I will meet you back at your cabin.” 

 

Before Jaina could object, he was off running in the opposite direction and she couldn’t stop him. She wondered what had to be so important for him to run to it but she retreated back to her cabin. She found the warmth of the fire comforting, the feeling of fire better than it should be. Nearly ten minutes had passed like Cullen had said, when a knock sounded on her door. She contemplated acting like she was asleep but she couldn’t be an asshole, especially since he went to all the trouble. Jaina opened the door and was met by the familiar blonde hair and caramel eyes. He must have run back to her because he was breathing heavily and looked flushed, this time he wore his fur around his neck.The Commander pulled out from behind his back a dark brown leather coat. Jaina looked down at it and was shocked, she then looked back up at him. “What’s-“

 

“I uh, I had a coat from when I first arrived here and it uhm, it no longer fits me so...So I figured since you needed one that you, you would be able to use it until you get one prettier. I mean, or a coat more suited to your liking..” He stammers, tripping over his own words like a baby deer would it’s legs after birth. 

 

For a split second, Jaina felt her whole face turn bright red and turn fire hot. His act of kindness took her by surprise and for once in her life, she had no idea how to respond. Her hatred for him still lingers but the love she once had for him was slowly peaking from behind its cover. The feeling radiating across Jaina’s chest scared her and she knew she needed to be careful. 

 

“Commander this is...” Jaina was at a loss for words. “I cannot accept this, I must be able to buy my own. The people here will not take kindly to their Commander doting on their Herald, they will think me a burden.” 

 

“Nonsense.” He waves her off. “Please, it would make me feel better knowing my gift kept you warm when you needed it.” 

 

_Oh, oh, Maker._

 

“I-I don’t know what to say..” She blinks a few times as Cullen places the sturdy material in her hands, their skin brushing for a moment, causing her heart to jump in her chest - the most she’s felt in months.

 

_No, no, no. Maker, no._  

 

Immediately Cullen had pulled his hands back and held them at his side, awkwardly. He looked away for a moment or two before returning his eyes back to the woman who was now trying the coat on. Cullen felt his heart hammering behind his chest as he watched her put it on, it nearly fit her. He would not tell her it was originally his from his days in the Fereldan Circle, it hadn’t been years since he’d worn it. The arms were very long on her and the length of the hem sat at the beginning of her thighs but he noticed everywhere else fit. 

 

“I apologize that it’s a little big...” He trails off. 

 

“I will use it until I find something that fits a little better.” Jaina nods, pulling the coat close to her body. “Thank you, Commander.” 

 

“Of course.” He acknowledges her, rubbing his hands together.

 

”You wanted to discuss something with me, didn’t you?” Jaina asks, raising her brow.

 

“Oh! Well, I was too caught up in uh, your lack of winter clothing so I forgot. If I remember, I shall find you later on.” He stammers, before rubbing his neck and departing - leaving her at the door, confused.

 

 

 


	6. Six

 

Jaina woke the next morning with a deep pit in her chest. It was the type of pain that left her feeling empty, a hollowness she could never explain. It felt like a never-ending exhaustion that wracked her bones, that pulled her spirit down. Sometimes, it was too painful to even breathe. She knew exactly why she felt this way and it didn’t bring her any joy. Rolling over to her side, she stares out the window and watches the droplets of water fall off an icicle. Slowly, the water falls off the edge of the clear, spiked piece and Jaina couldn’t help laughing at her own cynical thoughts.  Jaina pulled her blankets closer to her ears, the chill of Haven infiltrating her cabin once more this early morning. The sun had barely begun to come up over the mountains and the animals nearby haven’t awoken to sing their songs. She continued to watch the water splash onto her windowsill and let her thoughts run away from her. She knew she needed to feel this pain in order for the memory to leave her for the day. 

 

_ *** _

_ “Lady Trevelyan.” The voice called out to her.  _

_ It had been nearly a month since she had left Kirkwall. The trauma of losing the only people she ever knew, killing Templars, and nearly losing her life at the hands of them still held her.  _

_ As the days passed by, Jaina had to be watched by the court healer, to make sure she wouldn’t have another episode. Usually, she’d start with a cold sweat and then it would turn into her blacking out, then ultimately passing out. It was obvious enough that the psychological and physical horror she faced in the Circle exhausted her beyond understanding. The best they could do for her was to treat her kindly and give her sleeping droughts to hide the nightmares.  _ _ She spent a lot of time alone due to her fear of rejection. Jaina felt an awful imposition to King Alistair and she did whatever she could to clean and cook, she needed to feel useful. Today, she stood by the window in the library, overlooking the gardens and acres of land behind the castle. Her long brunette hung in waves behind her back and tumbled over a deep blue, long sleeve dress that hugged her form. She felt it weird to have clothing that fit her. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t have to use her magic to heat her body.  _

_ “My Lady?” The man's voice calls out again.  _

_ It was almost like she had been in a trance. The way she stared out to the horizon for miles, it was haunting. Her expression was blank like her pale face was without a face for a moment. Her features were unreadable and most people avoided her because of it, another reason she found it easier to be alone. Being alone was easier than explaining to different people why she is the way she is now, less tiring.  _ _ The loneliness made her miss Annie, one of her closest friends from Kirkwall. The memory of her dear friend must’ve elicited some type of emotion because, in a flash, the King was by her side.  _

_ “Lady Jaina!” He gasps, taking her biceps in his gentle grasp. His brown eyes piercing hers as she came back down from her stupor.  _

_ “I-I” She breathes, blinking away tears.  _

_ “What’s the matter?” He asks, frantically.  _

_ Shaking her head in confusion as to what just transpired between them, Jaina brings her fingertips to her cheeks and is shocked to find the wetness there. “Oh...I-I’m sorry.”  _ _ For a moment the King’s expression was full of concern but then it had changed, he chuckled and shook his head. He released his grip on her arms slightly and just enough to give her a little space - still holding her though. “Why are you apologizing to me? You are the one crying, you know.”  _

_ Turning to face him, Jaina examines the man attached to her. He has been nothing but kind to her the entire time she’s been in the castle, nicer than the servants and other occupants. He wore a dark leather outfit with fur at the edges, tall leather boots usually. Today, he wore leather breeches and a loose, tan, baggy shirt. She noticed the freckles on his nose and cheeks and how the descend down his neck to his collarbones and shoulders. His hair was messier today, she wondered if he was having some leisure time. “It seems I am.” _

_ An awkward silence fell over them for a moment or two before he spoke again.  _

_ “I, uh, I know I don’t seem like the person to go to but...” The King trails off, shifting weight from one leg to another before looking back at her. “If there’s something upsetting you, you can confide in me.”  _

_ His kindness always managed to throw her off.  _

_ “That is very kind of you but I cannot allow you to share my burdens when you have so many yourself.” Jaina protests.  _

_ She must have taken him by surprise by her answer because he stood staring at her, his mouth unmoving as if he didn’t know what to say. He continued to ponder his thoughts before continuing. “My Lady, I cannot fathom as to what you went through in Kirkwall but I have been through my fair share of hardships. I know what it is like to feel alone, especially in a room full of people.”  _

_ Jaina’s eyes widened at his last statement. She had no idea that he had been observing her lately, had he seen right through her? “What do y-“ _

_ “It doesn’t take a healer to see that you aren’t feeling your best. It also doesn’t take a scholar to understand the reasoning behind your...aloofness.” He starts. “I see it in the way your smile falters in the middle of a conversation like you remembered something awful. I see it in your eyes when you’re staring off into space as if you feel nothing but everything.”  _

_ “Your Majesty, I-“  _

_ “You needn’t apologize. I only wish for you to heal and start to feel yourself again.” He smiles, taking her hand in both of his. Since she’s arrived at the castle, King Alistair has been incredibly doting on her for unknown reasons. Every chance he got, he touched her gently even in the smallest way. It wasn’t unwelcome, she thought.  _ _ Looking down at their hands and back up into his brown eyes, Jaina felt her cheeks heat up. She sighed and spoke honestly, “I’m not quite sure I know who I am anymore, to be honest. I am lost.”  _

_ “Well, then.” The King half-smiles, empathically. “I guess we will just have to find that out together, won’t we?”  _

_ Jaina was shocked by his words. This total stranger, a King of a country, a man who took her in unknowing of her history offered to aid in her healing. How in the Maker’s name did she stumble across someone like this? Why would he waste his time on her?  _

_ “M-My King..” Jaina breathes.  _

_ “Yes?” He hums.  _

_ “Why are you so kind to me? I am nothing but a runaway with a criminal record squashing any noble ties I may have. I am considered nothing as of now.” She asks, sadly.  _

_ “Now, now.” He scolds her. “No one is ever nothing in this life. Someone I once knew told me that and she was one of the wisest women I ever knew. I don’t care about who you were or what you have done if you are trying to make amends and live a better life - that is all I care about. How could I be cruel to someone who has seen what you’ve seen?”  _

_ That’s when the tears started to fall from her eyes again, freely and in large droplets.  _

_ “Maker!” He panics. “I did not mean to upset you further.”  _

_ “No, no!” She tries to speak in between sobs. “It’s just-“  _

_ The King had pulled her into his chest. The sincere gesture had completely blown Jaina away. Her face fits perfectly between the panes of his chest, his warm skin against her cold. Unsure of what to do with her hands, she had rested them on his chest as she cried. “You poor creature.” He tries to soothe her, his hand stroking the back of her hair tenderly. She could hear his heart behind his large chest, somehow it calmed her a bit. Jaina wasn’t one to let her guard down so easily but his energy and aura felt so easy, a breath of fresh air. It has been so long since she’s shown or received any affection of any kind. Could she be so accepting because she is touched starved?  _ _ “Your hospitality is not taken for granted, I am just unused to this much kindness..” She sniffles.  _

_ “Well, it’s time to start getting used to it because I have more where this came from.” He tries to lighten the mood, warning a small giggle from her in his embrace.  _

_ *** _

The memory of that day stung in the back of her mind. It reminded her of how innocent their relationship had started, how pure and platonic it was. And she had to go and ruin it by falling in love with a man she could never have. She wondered what her life would have been like if she had kept her distance. What does her family think of her after all of these unfortunate events? Screw what my family thinks, they never loved me anyway. 

 

Jaina rolled onto her back and stared at the wooden beams of her cabin, trying to imagine what the outside looked like from her view. The ache in her chest comes and goes every now and then, only when she is reminded of what she lost. Some would say that she chose to leave Alistair and that it was her own fault she felt this way. Others would say he was wrong and he should have let her do the right thing without a fight. Jaina never spoke to anyone about it and she planned on keeping it that way, she did not need anyone’s judgment or pity - those are both for the Maker to do.  Missing Alistair came in waves and this morning, Jaina felt as if she was drowning.She couldn’t understand why she hadn’t gotten over him yet, she felt weak for it. Some days, she would see him in strangers or smell him whenever a familiar scent wafted by. Months ago, she had dreamed that he’d come back for her - only to be woken into a harsh reality. She found herself missing the smallest things about him like, how he used to drink his tea or how he hated eating with golden forks and spoons because it made him feel frivolous. Jaina missed sleeping with him most of all, she missed his warmth, his arms wrapped around her. Most nights, she’d wake with his arms around her waist and his head laid on her stomach. 

 

Jaina felt her heart tinge at the specific memory, it brought back painful memories of a simpler time. This particular memory was harder for her because he started sleeping on her stomach when she...  No, Jaina, we cannot go there right now. She had shooed the memory from her mind before her emotions got out of control. 

 

Jaina pulled the blanket from her torso and slipped her hands down to her stomach, resting them on top of it. Slowly, she caressed the taut skin and she sighed sadly at once was. She had decided that was enough reliving the pain in her long, painful life so far and pulled the blankets back over her. 

 

_ It was time to sleep some more before the day starts.  _


	7. Seven

 

** Confrontation  **

 

Jaina had found herself wandering Haven, stalking around the forest that shielded their homes. Her buzz had worn off and the cold alleviated her headache so, she continued to walk around the perimeter of Haven. Talking about the past she tried so hard to suppress brought back a lot of emotions she wished hadn’t come back.  Looking down at her hands, she saw they were turning red from the amount of time they’ve been exposed to the cold. It was her fault for not remembering gloves but the cold didn’t bother her as much as she thought it would. She wondered how her hands had stayed so clean after so much blood she’s had on them.  After talking to Varric the other night, she found that she felt no better talking about her past like she thought she would. She missed a piece of her life that she’s never known, a home she’s never had, and a place she’s never been. Most of all, she missed Alistair. She began to remember when she met him.

 

_ ~~~~~~ _

_ Stopping to take a deep breath after running for what seemed like miles, she found a corner of a building to stand. Surely, the Templars would come looking for her and she was a wanted suspect in the murder of those a part of the Order.  _ _ She was bloody and bruised, her clothing ripped and tattered beyond repair. She had no money to buy new clothing to disguise herself and she could feel her knees shaking from fear. She knew she had to keep running to get as far from this hell-hole as possible.  _ _ Taking another deep breath, she pulled her hood over her head and began to run as fast as she could. There were crowds of people and she had to dodge through them, apologizing for every person she nearly knocked over. The familiar noise of hooves hitting the cobblestone made her heart lurch into her throat, she knew she wasn’t running fast enough. She could hear the terrified shouts of the bystanders as the men after her didn’t care about the people they plowed down in the process. She could feel the hair on the back of her neck and her arms standing on the edge, her eyes blind by tears.  _

_ Not watching where she was going as she rounded a corner, her body collided with a firm mass. Both bodies fell to the ground with a loud thud and a groan from both parties. Opening her eyes, she nearly cried when she saw who she ran into. He looked just like a Templar but he was not one, she couldn’t feel any Lyrium coursing through him. Beside them stood four people, two men and two women dressed in Warden armor. Scrambling off of the man, she looked over her shoulder and tried to hide against the stone wall in the shadow.  _

_ “Maker, Alistair, are you alright?” One of them asks, helping the man up.  _

_ Rubbing his head and opening his eyes, he looks at the woman who just knocked him over. “Yes, I’m fine. What about you?”  _

_ “M-me?” She asks, trying to hide her face with her hood to hide the broken shell of a woman.  _

_ “Why did you run into me?” He questions, standing to his feet and stepping forward towards her.  _

_ “Please!” She begs. “Leave before they get you, too.”  _

_ “They?” A female Warden asks. “Who?”  _

_ “The Templars, they’ve gone mad with power! Meredith has gone off the deep end! I-I I need to get out of here.” She tries to side step away from them down the alley.  _

_ “Hold, child.” The third Warden, a man with striking green eyes commands. “What are you running from?”  _

_ “Maker, I cannot stay here! I cannot allow innocents to get involved.” She protests, trying to run away but she is pulled back by the man named Alistair.  _

_ Her hood had fallen from her face and it revealed the cuts, bruises, and dry blood on her. Her eye was swollen, her orbital bone likely broken. Her nose, crooked from getting punched, likely broken as well. Her lip split by the sharp gauntlets after being hit too many times, bleeding. Alistair had gathered her into his arms, his stomach dropping at the sight of her. “What’s happened to you?” He asks, beside himself. He takes a hold of her smaller hands and sees that her wrists are bruised and cut from a rope. Her knuckles bruised and bleeding from her struggle and her robes bloodier than he’d ever seen clothing before.  _ _ “I-“ she began to speak but the tears slipping down her cheeks cut her off. She had no time to cry, she thought but the kind man with brown eyes saw through her. He reached for her face and she flinched, her magic flaring.  _

_ “I won’t hurt you, it’s alright.” He tries to calm her. His hand reaches to pull a brown strand of hair away from her cracked lip, placing it behind her ear.  _

_ “Please help me..” She cried, gripping the plate of armor covering his chest.  _

_ “Alistair, she’s got no mana left in her.” The fourth Warden mentions, the woman examining her notices she’s got injuries everywhere.  _

_ “What’s happened to you?” He asks softly, his voice sending shivers down her spine.  _

_ “I don’t know how to explain... I just, I need to get out of here!” She sobs. “Please.”  _

_ “My King, if she has been convicted of a crime of any sort we will surely be not hearing the end of it. We cannot interfere with the law here.” The first male Warden protests.  _

_ Her eyes widen as she steps away from the man. She begins to think about the words that were just said to him, his name was Alistair and the Warden just called him King. There was no way he was...  _

_ “Maker’s tears!” She tries to curtsy, remembering her lineage and etiquette. “Please forgive me, I did not know you were-“ _

_ “Hush.” The King commanded her. “Have you committed a crime?”  _

_ Slowly nodding her head in shame, she closes her eyes ready for her punishment.  _

_ “What have you done?” He asks, lifting her face to meet his eyes once more.  _

_ “I’m sure you do not want to know, King Alistair. I have committed a serious crime.” She replies, sadly.  _

_ “What did you do, child?” The second female Warden asks.  _

_ “I aided in the murder of Templars at the Circle...” She sobs. _

_ “How did you...” The first Warden begins to ask.  _

_ “I had help but they are all dead now!” She cries violently. “They silenced us and I watched my friends die! They tied me to a chair and beat me until I was unconscious. When I woke, they’d start until I fainted again!”  _

_ “My King, what do we do?” The fourth Warden asks, finding herself at the poor mages side. “She has multiple broken bones, she’s been depleted of any energy she had.” _

_ “We take her back to the Castle.” Alistair suggests. “I cannot, in good conscience leave her here. If they find her, they will make an example out of her and kill her.”  _

_ “Please do not leave me here!” She takes Alistair’s hand. “Make use of me, I know healing magic and I know how to cook and clean!”  _ _ Looking into her eyes, Alistair felt his chest swell. The fire and sadness that both reside in her eyes reminded him of a woman he used to know, used to love. She had survived the worst of the worst and still managed to come out of it, he couldn’t leave her to die. Taking his fur jacket off, he wraps it around her shaking shoulders as she wept. She had looked at him like it was the kindest thing she had ever received in her lifetime. Thinking of that, broke his heart even more for her.  _ _ “May I ask of your name?” Alistair questions. “Do you have any family near?”  _

_ “The only family I have that cares about me is dead or far away.” She sniffles.  _

_ “Come now, you must have a name.” The Warden at her side asks, a kind smile on her face.  _

_ “Jaina Elizabeth Trevelyan.” She sheepishly answers.  _

_ “Wait a moment, your father is Bann Trevelyan, no?” The first Warden asks in shock. “What are you doing here?”  _

_ “A noble? My Lady, we must return you to your family!” The quiet Warden says.  _

_ “Please no! I’d rather die here than go back there.” She shuffles away from him.  _

_ “Lady Jaina.” Alistair bows respectfully, a soft smile on his lips. He extends his hand out to her and begins to speak. “Join me on my trip back home. I will see to it that you are taken care of.”  _

_ “You are too kind, your Majesty. I cannot impose on you.” She whispers.  _

_ “Nonsense. I will find something for you to do once you’ve settled, sound good?” He asks, his hand still waiting.  _

_ Jaina looked at the five people in front of her, unknowing of what kind of people they really are. She’s heard of Wardens being great protectors and that the King is an ex-Warden. Jaina recalls that King Alistair served in the Fifth-Blight and helped the Hero of Fereldan slay the Archdemon, saving Thedas. She’s heard stories of him being a bastard on the throne but ultimately he is a kind man who treats his kingdom fairly. Jaina nodded and reached her hand out to his, taking it. He gently gripped her hand back and smiled at her widely. “This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship, My Lady!” He chuckles as they all lead her to their horses not too far.  _

_ “I owe my life to you, My King.” Jaina says, holding the jacket he gave her tightly to her body.  _

_ “You owe me nothing but your happiness, Lady Jaina.” Alistair replies, placing his hand on her hip to help her into the saddle. Once she is settled he hops up into the saddle behind her, reaching around her for the reigns.  _

_ Jaina felt her heart flutter only for a moment, feeling like a princess saved by a knight. His chest was pressed tightly against her back as they began to ride out of the city. She hoped he couldn’t feel the rapid beating of her heart through her back.  _

_ “It is going to be a long ride.” Alistair whispers into her ear, sending shivers down her body. “Rest.”  _

_ Jaina didn’t know what her life would be like working in the castle for King Alistair but she knew she would be far away from the Circle. Could she enjoy her new life given to her by a miracle?  _

_ Has the Maker finally answered her countless prayers?  _

_ ~~~~~~ _

A crunch in the snow behind her startled her out of her thoughts and she immediately moved to the shadows. Drawing a dagger from her thigh, she readied it in defense. She listened and watched, waiting for whatever had found her. A large figure under the cover of the night had shown itself, burly and tall, she thought. It stopped just in front of her like it had seen her there but was now confused as to where she went. Leaping from the shadows, she brought the dagger to the neck of the person she was dwarfed in size by. The tip of her dagger just barely grazing the chin of... “Maker, Commander. What are you doing out here?!” 

 

“P-please lower your weapon. I did not mean to startle you.” He raised his hands in surrender. 

 

“Answer my question.” She hissed, pissed that she had been found by him of all people. 

 

“Herald, I did not come here to harm you.” He tries to deescalate the situation.

 

“How do I know that, really?” She squints her eyes. 

 

“I am unarmed and I do not have any armor. I would not dare pick a fight with you while I am ill-defended.” He rasps. 

 

Taking a closer look at the man, she does notice he does not carry a weapon or a concealed weapon. Lowering her blade with an annoyed sigh, she sheaths it back inside her thigh holder. Groaning and letting out a deep breath, she pulls her cloak closer to her neck to keep herself warm.  “It is freezing out here. You are going to catch your death!” The Commander scolds her. 

 

“‘Twould be the nicest thing the Maker has done for me.” She scoffs. 

 

“H-Herald, that-“

 

“Sounds rather depressing? Yes, I am fully aware of my horrible outlook on life.” She rolls her eyes. “I was joking, some of us have a sense of humor.” 

 

“Well, that is-“

 

“What do you want?” She gets right to the point, she did not want to be out here much longer with him. Lest they get caught, someone might get the wrong idea. It _is_ the middle of the night. 

 

“Herald, come with me. My conscience would not leave me be if I left you to freeze.” He sighs, reaching out for her only for his hand to be slapped away. 

 

“It wouldn’t be the first time.” Jaina mentions. 

 

“Maker’s breath. That is why I came to talk to you.” He starts. “Please, come sit with me. There is something I must speak to you about. We used to be good friends, can’t you remember?” 

 

His last statement immediately made her angrier than before.  How dare he bring up our past like we are all buddy-buddy?! Does he forget what he’s done?! 

 

“You came to speak to me because of that? Amazing that you still remember what you allowed to happen to me.” She laughs cynically, staring into his eyes. The eyes that once made her fall so helplessly in love, now the eyes she hates to look at. “Eat Druffalo shit, Commander.” She began to take off on the path farther out from Haven, passing the cabin she had found notes for Adan earlier this month. 

 

Following after her like a lost child, the Commander calls out to her. “If you’d just listen to me I-“

 

“I don’t care what you have to say, Cullen.” She spits, the familiar taste of his name on her tongue didn’t taste as bitter as she wanted it to and it bothered her to no end. 

 

“Please,  you must know that-“

 

“That what?” She mocks. “You’re _sooo_ sorry for what you did? Save it, Commander. I’ve heard it all before, people love to grovel when they know you contain power and influence.”  Cullen was growing frustrated. He knew she was angry and hurt but he couldn’t allow things to continue without her knowing how he felt, the truth of his actions. She deserves the closure and the clarity of why he did what he did. 

 

“H-Herald you-“

 

“ Stop calling me that! I am more than just some pawn for you all to use at your own pleasure! I am a woman! A person! Maker’s fucking ballsack, I _am_ a person!” She yells. 

 

Finally reaching out for her, Cullen caught her, stopping her in her tracks and spinning her towards him. He pulls her into him with a tight grip on her wrist to pull her back. “Damnit, Jaina! Please, just  listen to me!” The Commander yelled, the use of her name catching her off guard. He hasn’t called her by her name since they were in their youth and it stirred an unpleasant pang in her heart. Struggling in his grip, Jaina could feel a familiar feeling rising in her veins. It had been so long since her magic came back to her against her will. Cullen could feel it, too and he gripped her tighter, looking straight into her eyes. They were pleading with her, begging her to stay and listen to him. The hood of her cloak falling from her head revealing her stark white hair. Even against the bright white snow, she shone so brightly and it took Cullen’s breath away. “ Please .” He begs. “I’m not going to hurt you.” 

 

“You left me to die! You let those monsters beat me bloody, black, and blue, you-you asshole!” She fought him, her other free fist beating at his unarmored chest. She could feel the tears from earlier forming in her eyes, she couldn’t let him see her cry. She couldn’t let him see everything she had been holding in this whole time. “I have nothing to say to you.” 

 

“If I had known you were still alive I would have helped you escape!” He shouted, his voice hoarse. 

 

Jaina stilled in his grasp, her heart beating wildly in her chest. Immediately meeting his pleading, red, eyes, she thought she saw his regret and guilt. Cullen had always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve but this, this was too much for her. There was no way he didn’t know she was still alive, he should have been able to feel her magic. 

 

“Y-you what?” She half-whispers. 

 

“If I had known that you still lived that day, I would have shown you the way out myself!” He pulls her into him, his arms wrapping around her small frame. “I heard you talking to Varric, I heard your side of that awful day. I am sorry for what happened to your friend but I was forced to be there. I was being punished for getting too friendly with the charges, for being too involved with them - Maker, for treating them like  humans .” 

 

“W-What?” She trembled, her face pressed to his hard chest. 

 

“Someone had told Meredith that I was getting to close to you and your friends. I was punished and was forced to watch it happen to her. The person who had reported me mistook Annette for you.” Cullen let out a deep breath. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell them the truth!” She cried out, tears slipping down her red cheeks. “Why didn’t you come to take me instead?!” 

 

“They had bound and gagged me. I couldn’t speak up even if I wanted to but I didn’t want to even if I could...” He sighed, frustrated. 

 

Jaina felt like her head was spinning like the ground was going to fall out from under her feet. Her knees gave way at the sudden confession and he held her tightly, supporting her using his body. Why would they make him watch “her” turn tranquil? Why would it be a punishment to him unless he...  _Oh_. 

 

“Why wouldn’t you-“

 

“Do you recall what the dwarf said?”  Cullen tried to jog her memory. “About what it would do to me if I had to watch you become tranquil?” 

 

The weight and realization of Cullen’s words felt like a blow to the chest. After being stationed at the Fereldan Circle, Cullen had told her of his infatuation with a mage there. He had always told Jaina he’d never make a mistake like that again because he knew it was unprofessional, unsafe for all parties. He always scolded the other charges and even fellow Templars never to fraternize with one another. What was he trying to say? Was he trying to tell her that he cared for her, too? That even if he had the chance to save her friend, he wouldn’t have because he had loved her? Was he really trying to tell her he went against his better judgment once again and fell for his charge, knowing the consequences? She looked up into Cullen’s eyes from the position on his chest.  A sad smile crept onto his lips, his eyes searing into hers. He let go of her and brought one of his hands up to hold her face. He used his bare, calloused thumb to wipe the tear from her cheek. “I am sorry I could not save her and I am even more sorry that I did not save you when it mattered. I could not do anything after seeing what had been done to my brothers, it was like I was back there . I was frozen in fear and when they started to beat you, I felt... powerless. This whole time I had thought you dead, Jaina. It has eaten away at me ever since.” 

 

Reaching up with his other hand to hold the other side of her face, Jaina felt his warmth on her cold cheeks. The younger her would have melted into him, she would have nearly fainted at his touch. But now, now she was older and realizing many things. One of those things was, that she could not hide what she was feeling inside the deepest crevice of her heart. The memories of her youth and the feelings of her naive soul, found the surface this night. She found herself unable to move, her heart beating rapidly in her rib cage and her eyes glued on Cullen. What was she to say after hearing that? Was there anything she could say? 

 

“There is much we’ve to catch up on, I have missed your companionship.” He says, the softness in his voice churning up Jaina’s old feelings. 

 

“I-I haven’t forgiven you.” Jaina whispers, looking away from him.  He is a lot bolder than he used to be when we were young. 

 

“And I don’t expect you to right away. I fucked up badly and the person I was...I no longer know that man.” He confesses. “Let’s get you warm, come.” 

 

Cullen’s hand found hers and he dragged her along with him, she only followed due to the stupor she found herself lost in. There was so much happening at once, so many feelings coming to light and she didn’t know how to deal with any of it. Normally, she would have told him to piss off and she would have left. 

 

He helped her into his tent and lit a small fire in the middle of the ground. He took his blanket and wrapped it around her body, fearing she was colder than she looked. A few minutes had passed with an incredibly painful awkward silence, she began to speak to try and break it. 

 

“Cullen, I-“

 

“You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to, focus on getting warm.” He smiles, sitting across from her. His kindness suffocated her, she was so overwhelmed with the ache in her chest that she felt hot tears falling down her cheeks again. 

 

“Maker, I’m sorry!” Cullen fusses, finding himself at her side. “I suppose you’ve had a long day.” 

 

She nods, sniffing. How could she allow herself to show him her weakness in a time like this?

 

“Talk to me?” He asks, his eyes begging her to fill the silence. “I know you have been trying to be strong, the Inquisition must be suffocating you. You are still so young and the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I cannot imagine how that must feel. I know you were with Alistair for a time, tell me of your days with him? If that uh, would make you happier?” 

 

And that was it. 

 

The dam that was her emotions finally broke. Jaina let out a strangled cry, choking on her own voice as she tried to speak but couldn’t. Cullen opened the blanket and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest again. His head rested above hers, his hand rubbing circles on her back as he consoled her. His heart broke for her but he was happy that she was here with him letting it out and not all alone like usual. 

 

“So many lives....too many deaths! He, he kicked me out and then. I bloodied my hands for...for him, for his fucking  throne !” She cried, Cullen knew she was referring to the conversation she had with Varric about Alistair and her leaving for the Conclave. “I-I loved him and he threw me out!” 

 

“He’s a fool.” Cullen whispered against her hair. 

 

“I’ve killed so many _*hiccup*_ people... I’ve suppressed my magic and I, I’ve done nothing but-but  kill people.” She cried harder, fisting the material on Cullen’s shirt. “I-I thought that I-I got over Kirkwall... over your betrayal..over, so much pain! I don’t want to feel it anymore...” 

 

“It’s okay..” He cooed. “You’re okay.” 

 

An hour passed by with her in Cullen’s arms, crying her eyes out and gasping for breaths in between. He held her close to him, he didn’t want to let her go, not in her most vulnerable state. Alistair had been there for her, to dry her tears when he had not. Now, it was his turn to make it right and to be a better man for her. He didn’t know where their friendship, or whatever was between them, would go but he vowed to protect her.  Eventually, she had fallen asleep. Her eyes swollen shut and her face bruising around her eyes from crying so hard and getting sick from crying. Cullen kept her close to him and soon fell asleep shortly after her, their warmth melding into one hearth. The first peaceful sleep he’s had in a long time was the one spent with his ghost. 

 

••••••

 

The sun was slightly shining through the holes in his tent and she caught her breath in her throat when she realized what was happening. Cullen was inches away from her face, their noses practically touching and his arms were tightly wrapped around her stomach. Their legs intertwined and their bodies closely pressed together, like lovers in the morning. She tried not to startle him and she couldn’t help but stare at his features. He had aged since their last meeting, crows feet in the corners of his eyes. His hair graying in strands of the usual, golden blonde.  Even though he’s gotten older, the childish innocence about him has never changed, she thought to herself. She pushed a few curly strands away from his eyes and watched as he smiled in his sleep at her touch, it made her chest swell. It had been such a long time since she woke up to the warmth of a man, though, she didn’t expect the first time in forever doing so, with him. 

 

The morning had come and the pair said their good mornings and Jaina couldn’t believe what had happened the night before. She couldn’t believe she had fallen asleep in his arms, in his bed nonetheless. She was appreciative of his concern and his care for her, for not taking advantage of her weakest night in quite some time.  “Thank you, Commander.” Jaina says, walking out of his tent with him. 

 

“If you ever find yourself in such a state, do not hesitate to come to me.” He smiles, stretching his arms out. Jaina felt a blush creep to her cheeks when she realized he was inviting her into his arms. 

 

She nodded hesitantly and found herself closed into a warm embrace. The physical contact she hadn’t known in a long time had made her heart flutter. A silly, girlish feeling she hadn’t allowed herself since Alistair resurfaced. 

 

“No, really... Thank you for last night. It was the first night in some time I actually slept without dreams.” She whispered into his chest. “Though, we cannot do that again. It would not be appropriate for the masses to see me leaving your tent. I am unsure why I let my guard down enough for that, I haven't completely forgiven you.” 

 

“Of course but regardless, I’ll always be on your side, Herald.” He says, holding her tighter. 

 

Those words would mean something so minimal to anyone else but to her, it meant everything. Coming from the man she vowed to hate for eternity, she didn’t know how to feel about the flutter in her pulse. 

 


	8. Eight

 

** One Week After the Conclave **

 

It had been so long since Alistair had seen her face. Their breakup was still a fresh wound and it seemed like every day, salt was poured into it. Waking up in the morning no longer felt joyful, the sunrise he usually loved to watch with her now a mere inconvenience when he’s trying to sleep. The books she used to read littered his chambers and he has tried to ignore them so he wouldn’t burn them all. 

 

Alistair was lonely. 

 

He was especially lonely when he was eating in his room, alone. He had no one to share his favorite wine with nor his favorite cheese or bread. No one was there to race him on horseback on the many trails behind the castle, she had taken her horse, too. All of the bits and pieces, little touches made by her were gone, leaving no warmth of her left. Going to bed was one of the hardest parts of her leaving. No more late night back massages from her when he was sore, no more early morning kisses, and no more middle of the night love-making. Her body was no longer there to provide comfort and warmth. 

 

Alistair bit his bottom lip, nearly drawing blood. He sat on his throne this evening listening to trivial bullshit his advisors had to “bring to his attention.” He missed her so much. Normally, she’d be standing in the shadows silently keeping him sane during days like these. Now, he had to actually listen to what people were saying to him. He rubbed his hand across his chest and over his heart, the burn of heartbreak stung. 

 

“Your Majesty.” A voice breaks Alistair out of his destructive thoughts and taking him by surprise. 

 

His attention turns to the woman before him, Mary. She was one of Jaina’s friends, her helper, a runner for both of them. If anything, she was just as skilled as Jaina but she was never around the castle as much. That being said, Alistair did not like where this conversation was going if she randomly just shows up at the castle. 

 

“Mary. I have not seen you in.. quite some time, how are you?” He asks, hoping she had seen her . He had been hoping she’d come back to the castle but she didn’t. Would Mary have information for him if he asked? What was Jaina doing now? Is she happy? Is she safe? 

 

_ Jaina isn’t coming back you lout, you kicked her out.  _

 

“I’ve seen better days, my King.” Mary starts. Mary was a ghostly color, her usual copper skin was lacking any health. She almost looked as if she had been starving for days, crying, she looked unwell. She looks at the people surrounding the court and then back at Alistair before clearing her throat suggestively. 

 

Alistair was a smart man. He knew what she wanted to say, couldn’t be said with that many ears. “Leave us.” He instructs to his guests and to his advisors. He watches as they all clear out of the main hall, scattering like ants. He scoffs, if only they listened that well any other time. 

 

He observed Mary, unknowing of what she is about to say to him but the atmosphere suddenly got darker and the air became stiff. Something tells him that she is not delivering good news. Her shoulders were hunched, her head was bowed, and her clothing was dirty and tattered. 

 

“Speak.” He commands, sitting up straight. 

 

“You are obviously aware of the Conclave, I’m sure.” She starts. 

 

“Ah, yes. That was a few days ago, was it not? I’ve not received any word on what came of it, though.” Alistair answers, rubbing his chin. 

 

“On what came of it?” Mary tilts her head, her eyes widening in horror. 

 

“How did it go?” He asks.

 

A minute or two passed before Mary gasped and closed her eyes, shaking her head. She pulled her hood down to reveal unkempt hair, her face had looked sunken in. Something in the way that she reacted had Alistair unsettled, uncomfortable almost. 

 

“What?” He asks, wary. “What is it?” 

 

“Has no one told you?” She says, looking up from her kneeling position on the steps before the throne. 

 

“Told of what?” He questions, raising a brow in confusion and his heart starting to pound. 

 

“The Temple, it- it has been destroyed.” Mary’s words came out in what seemed like slow motion. 

 

_ What? _

 

Her words hit Alistair like a ton of stone to the chest, time around them stopping. “Did I just hear you correctly?” He asks, leaning forward, he was sure his emotions were all over his face now. Why hasn’t anyone told him? Did no one know? Was this the first his kingdom has heard of this news?!

 

_No...There’s no way, her intel must be wrong._

 

“From my information, it is said that there was an explosion! I’ve just returned from the Temple of Sacred Ashes myself, I went. I, I had to see if what the people were saying was true.” Mary stutters, her composure cracking, Alistair knew she was never one to break it. “So, I went. And I, I saw it, My King. Bodies everywhere, the Temple completely obliterated. It was...awful. Whoever did this is not going to stop there, what happened to all of those poor people...” 

 

_ Jaina. _

 

Alistair stood from his throne, he could feel his pulse in his neck and in his ears. His heart felt like it was going to lurch right out of his throat. He had to ask about her. Mary must know of what happened to her own best friend, right? Although, if Mary is here and Jaina is not, he was almost too afraid to ask. 

 

“And what of-“ He chokes, barely able to get out the words. 

 

The brief silence between them did not make him feel any better. If anything, it only made Alistair’s thoughts even worse. 

 

“I’ve no news of her, Your Majesty. I’ve been keeping tabs on her and there is nothing, the last anyone saw of her....” Mary broke, tears slipping down her cheeks as she covers her mouth. “Maker, forgive me.” She apologizes for breaking character, for being unprofessional. 

 

“ Mary ..” Alistair demanded an answer. 

 

“The last scout who saw her said they saw her accompanying Justinia to the Temple! Now the Divine is dead, murdered they say! Everyone, every single person there died, Alistair!” She sobbed, her hair falling from behind her ears as she cried into her hands. “There’s no way she made it out.” 

 

It felt like someone had just shield bashed Alistair right in the gut. There were no words for the emotions running through his mind, no way to properly convey the broken feeling in his heart. Jaina had been senselessly killed and the last thing he ever said to her, was that she had no place in his castle. 

 

Alistair dropped to his knees, Mary found herself at his side. His body shook and waves of grief crashed over him as he stared at the stone floor beneath his hands and knees. He felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs, his chest extremely tight and his pulse racing. He clutched at his chest, the pain radiating all over it. 

 

“This cannot be.” He chokes out, his eyes blinded by hot tears as he remembers their last conversation. “How could the Maker want this?! How could he have planned this!” He knew she held her faith close to her heart, how she wanted to be special to the Maker and fulfill his wishes. Had he not made her choose between her faith and her love for him, she might have stayed and survived. She would have seen another day, happy and alive . 

 

Her broken expression tore him apart the day he told her to leave. Walking away from her as she cried out for him, he ignored her because he was hurt and believed she was being selfish. Alistair couldn’t even look at his beloved, he was convinced she was going to leave him eventually anyway. Why would she stay with a doomed, infertile, man that she can’t grow a family with? Why would she stay and run the kingdom when she could be traveling the world and killing bad guys? Had she survived so much heartache and trauma only to be tragically killed by the evil in this world?

 

He could hear her cries echoing against the stone walls, he listened as she cried herself to sleep the night before she left for the Temple. He stood outside her door to apologize but was too afraid to open the door when he heard her sobbing alone. 

 

She didn’t even come to see him before she left the castle. The only thing she left behind was the ring he had crafted for her as a gift alongside a letter. It was sealed with her insignia, a lion, in black wax. He remembered the words she had parted within that letter, word by word. Snippets of different sentences crossed his vision as the world swayed back and forth. 

 

**_ “To my dearest Alistair, ”  _ **

****

**_ “...I know you must resent me for leaving...” _ **

****

**_“ ...Don’t forget to use the salve I had made for your aches and pains, once in the morning and once before bed since I won’t be there to do it...”_ **

****

**_ “...I won’t return to you unless you wish it. I am sorry that I made this decision without you, I promise I will be okay...” _ **

****

**_“ Forever yours, Jaina E. Trevelyan.” _ **

 

Alistair remembered every word she had written, even the way the letter smelled because she used her favorite perfume to fragrance it. He began to stand from the ground and hazily made his way to his advisors, he needed to know if Mary’s words had weight. There was no way that Jaina had just been wiped from this life, there is no way the Maker would allow his children to experience such a fate. 

 

••••••

 

** Six months post Conclave **

 

It had been nearly six months since Alistair had lost her. 

 

The world seemed even darker if that was even possible. The sunrise and sunset tainted by the Breach in the sky, his beautiful homeland being attacked by darkspawn once more. Everything was bleak, the world no longer full of life and color like it used to be when she was there.  He did whatever he could to stay busy, to distract him from the destructive guilt that plagued his thoughts constantly. To distract him from the fact that he drove her away, he drove her to her demise.Even the most menial tasks and meetings he’d attend, he could not bare the regret he stored deep inside. 

 

Every night since her death, Alistair had vivid nightmares of how she most likely perished at the Temple. Every night he heard her bloody screams calling out for him in her last moments alone, terrified, and broken. Every morning he’d wake up in a heavy sweat, his heart racing, and tears swelling his eyes. Mary even left again, taking her companionship with her, too. She had scolded him for sulking because “Jaina wouldn’t like it.” He told her that she could do whatever she pleased, seeing how he was bad at asking people to make life decisions for him. 

 

Alistair found himself nearly nodding off while standing up. The nightmares were so strong that they’d come back if he tried to sleep it off so, he never got any sleep these days. No drought was strong enough to curb the sadness and no healer could heal the pain in his heart. He was convinced her soul had intertwined with his, her absence a pain even in his bones. 

 

His advisors are speaking of the Inquisition being reborn by some heretical group at Haven. Talks of how a woman fell out of a rift delivered by Andraste herself, how she managed to seal the Breach at the Temple. He chuckled to himself at the thought of Andraste herself leading someone out of a rift. He cynically thought that if Andraste could deliver someone out of the fade, why couldn’t she have saved his love? 

 

“What makes this such an important thing to discuss today?” Alistair asks, sighing. 

 

“Your Majesty, that woman is claiming to be the Herald of Andraste!” One irritating voice calls out. 

 

“He’s right!” Another burst out. “With the Divine gone, most likely from her doing, she will grasp at the sunburst throne!” 

 

“And I care why?” He asks, annoyed. “We need a new Divine anyway.” 

 

“The Inquisition cannot be left alone.” The third man chimes in, angrily. “They have been parading around Thedas gaining influence! If they gain too much, gain too many allies, they could come for us next!” 

 

“Oh, please.” Alistair rolls his eyes. “I’m sure the Inquisition is another fad, it’ll disappear within the upcoming months.” 

 

“My King, this woman has the ability to close the rifts in the sky.” The second man chimes in. “She could become too powerful and use that kind of power to hold over our heads!” 

 

“Or we could ask for her aid in closing the rifts near the castle.” He retorts, annoyed beyond comprehension today. 

 

Alistair began to speak again but was interrupted by the door to his office swinging open with a loud smack to the stone wall behind it, revealing a disheveled Mary. Out of breath and visibly exhausted, she kneels onto the ground with her head hanging low, “My King, I have urgent news.”

 

_This better be good or else my advisors are going to have a coronary._ He thought to himself. 

 

“What is it?” He asks, interested in the fact that Mary has been gone for four months now. He told her not to return unless she had information on Jaina and the Divine’s killer, told her to live her own life. Was her return the information he so desperately needed to go after the son of a bitch who killed his love? Finally, some good news?

 

“The Inquisition!” She breathes out, trying to catch her breath. “I apologize, I have been riding straight for three days.” 

 

“What about it?” He asks, straightening up now that she’s got his full attention. 

 

“The Herald of Andraste, it’s her,  My King!” Mary exclaims, standing from her position on the ground. “I’ve seen her with my own eyes!”

 

_Impossible._

 

“Leave. Now.” Alistair says to the men he had previously been conversing with. They all nod after looking at Mary with glares, single file as they leave the room. Alistair took his sword off of his shoulder and laid it on the desk in front of him. Swinging around the desk and meeting Mary’s eyes, he stands before her. 

 

“Explain to me what you just said, Mary.” Alistair commands, feeling a chill run down his spine. Did she just tell him that Jaina was actually alive and that she had been hand delivered to save the world by Andraste herself? If this was a joke, it was sick and twisted. 

 

“The Herald or so they’re all calling her, it’s Jaina. They say she has been marked by the Breach and she carries a boon that closes rifts all over Thedas. I saw her, Alistair! She’s been all over Redcliffe closing rifts and recruiting people for the Inquisition.” Mary explains. 

 

Hesitating and thinking about what she is saying to him, Alistair paces back and forth for a few moments. So many thoughts and emotions were running through his mind, he didn’t know what to say or do. He knew there wasn’t any way for Jaina to still live after what happened at the Temple, she’d have to be inhuman to survive a blast like that. 

 

“That’s not possible, she is dead.” He denies. 

 

The sooner he puts a stop to this sick joke, the better it is for his heart. 

 

“I only saw her because I had a lead in Redcliffe and it turns out that my lead was correct.” Mary continues. “She was accompanied by an elf, Seeker Pentaghast, and a Vint.” 

 

“This-“

 

“Is incredible?” Mary interrupts. “They’re based in Haven, go to her, Alistair. I am sure she would be most happy to see you.” 

 

Alistair stopped pacing and stared at Mary. Her words resonated with him, he thought deeply about them.  Would she still be happy to see me? Would she even allow me to step a mile in her direction without turning me away? There’s no way to tell unless I try. 

 

“Alert my men, we are heading out after supper.” Alistair instructs before leaving the room and heading to his, he needed to dress for the weather and a long trip of riding. 

 

A hand on his wrist stopped him from tearing the door off the wall as he opened it to leave. Turning around he faced Mary, confused. “What’s the matter?” 

 

“I must warn you.” Mary says, a stern look in her brown eyes. 

 

“Of?” He asks, impatiently. 

 

“She is different.” She warns. 

 

“How so?” He questions. 

 

“There is no better way for me to explain it, my King. She is...just different than before.” Mary sighs. 

 

In a few weeks time, she would be in his arms once more, different or not. 

 

I’m coming, my love. 

 

** •••••• **

 

** Post In Hushed Whispers, Haven.  **

 

“It’s not a matter for debate. There will be abominations among the mages and we must be prepared.” Cullen explains, seriously. 

 

Josie looks at him with a stern face and says, “If we rescind the offer of the Alliance, it makes the Inquisition appear incompetent at best and tyrannical at worst!” 

 

Jaina came into earshot after eavesdropping a bit, she had just gotten back and hearing Cullen bitch about the mages was no surprise to her. She stood next to her advisors and crossed her arms, the mail of her armor making it harder than it looks. 

 

Cullen shot her a glare and shook his head angrily as he spoke at her, “What were you thinking turning mages loose with no oversight? The veil is torn open!” 

 

Chuckling cynically, Jaina shifts her weight from one leg to the other as she thinks about what to say to this asshole of a man. She realizes that they have been working on speaking to each other normally the last few months, that she needs to learn to speak levelheaded with him. He’s trying to prove to her that he has changed but is doing an awful job of it and it definitely shows. 

 

“Give them their freedom for now. If they prove later they can’t handle it, impose restrictions.” She suggests, hoping this will appease him for now. 

 

“And how many lives will be lost if they fail?” He continues on with his annoying prejudice. Jaina thought she was going to be able to hook him but now, would he really be able to change completely? 

 

Jaina shared a concerned look with him and sighed, he must have caught on that she was trying and was exhausted. His demeanor changed almost instantly and he let out a deep breath before speaking softer this time. “With the veil broken, the threat of possession...” 

 

Turning to Cassandra, he speaks again. “You were there Seeker, why didn’t you intervene?!” 

 

Cassandra glances over at Jaina and huffs at Cullen’s anger she says, “While I may not completely agree with the decisions, I support it.” Jaina felt a breath of fresh air at Cassandra’s support, she knew she could always count on her. “The sole point of the Herald’s mission was to gain the mages aid and that was accomplished.” She breathes out. Jaina could tell she was more than tired as well, they all needed a good rest after this. 

 

Appearing from the shadows, Dorian adds into the conversation. “Pragmatism speaks and here I was enjoying the circular arguments!” 

 

Cassandra turns to look at him, “Closing the Breach is all that matters. 

 

“Dorian!” Jaina delights, holding her arms out for him. 

 

“Hello again, dear. It is good to see you’re still standing after all that mess.” He smiles, chuckling to himself at the jealous glare he was receiving from the Commander. 

 

“Closing the Breach will require a lot of magic and that means Lyrium.” Jaina states. “I have contacts who can help.” 

 

_ Cant I just get a drink and sleep a little before closing that damned thing? _

 

Leliana joins in on the conversation and speaks to Jaina. “Smugglers? We need every advantage.” 

 

Cullens arms are crossed over his chest now as he speaks. “We have legitimate Lyrium supply lines already.” 

 

“And they don’t need to hear of this.” Leliana reminds him. 

 

Josie turns back to Arienne, “Keep it under the table and I will do my best to quiet the rumors.” 

 

“We should look into the things you saw in this dark future. The assassination of Empress Celene? A demon army?” Leliana questions, her tone almost fearful. 

 

“Sounds like something a Tevinter cult might do.” Dorian begins. “Orlais falls, the Imperium rises. Chaos for everyone!” 

 

Jaina watches as Cullen glares at Dorian, “One battle at a time! It is going to take time to organize our troops and the mage recruits. Let’s take this to the War Room.” Cullen returns his eyes to Jaina’s, a smile on his lips and a slight blush to his cheeks. “Join us, this means nothing after all without you.” 

 

Jaina thought she had been seeing things and hearing things but this, was he actually looking at her like that? How he used to in Kirkwall?  Maker, take me. She thought. She knew he was trying his best so she knew she had to, too. 

 

_Cullen can be quite handsome when he’s not being a total arsehole. I can’t believe I’m thinking that!_

 

“And I hoped to sit out the assault on the Breach, take a nap. Maybe go for a walk.” Jaina chuckles. 

 

“What is it they say? No rest for the wicked?” Cullen asks, his voice soft and gentle. It sent shivers down her spine.  Wait, did he just- did he just flirt with me? 

 

“ My, my, Commander. It seems you  do have a way with the ladies.” She teases, telling the truth even so. Cullen’s eyes went wide and the blush across his neck started to travel North, his eyes averting away from her and then back, rubbing his neck. He didn’t know what to say to that but he knew he wanted to stay on good terms. 

 

“It is comforting to know that my charms are starting to work on you, my Lady.” He chuckles, his laughter sending a chill down Jaina’s spine. Now it was her turn to turn beet red, she felt her chest swell with a tight warmth she hadn’t felt in nearly a year. She pulled a piece of loose hair behind her ear and bit her lower lip. It’s not like she hadn’t noticed him trying to flirt with her before. 

 

“Well, I-“

 

Jaina began to speak but was interrupted by the Chantry doors swinging open loudly, scaring the shit out of everyone in there. Someone covered by nightfall and a cloak was being chased by a bunch of Cullen’s recruits yelling. She took a step forward to see what this business was about and who the intruder was but was stopped by Cullen forcing himself in front of her. His sword was drawn in front of both of them and his hand reached out in a way to tell her, “stay behind me”. 

 

_Unexpected._

 

The person in the cloak frantically searched around, throwing people out of their way. All she could hear was bits and pieces of “where is she?” or “I know she’s here!”

 

“Wait, is that?” Leliana quickly raced forward with a suspicion. 

 

“What is going on here, state your business!” Cassandra demanded, drawing her sword next to Leliana who had stopped dead in her tracks with her eyes wide and jaw agape. 

 

“Cassandra lay down your sword!” Leliana commanded as she jogged to the figure in black. The man removed his hood and the whole Chantry fell so silent, you could hear everyone’s heartbeat. 

 

“Maker, Alistair!” Leliana gasped, throwing her arms over his shoulders. 

 

Jaina felt glued to the floor, suddenly, the world had started moving in slow motion. All too familiar bile started to rise in her throat, threatening to heave up at any second. Cullen looked back at her in disbelief, waiting for her reaction. Seemingly too invested in what she might do next. 

 

 

 


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okaaaay guys! Here is the chapter I’ve been DYING to post. This is my first ever smutty chapter and I’m super nervous omg. 
> 
> Let me know how I did and if there’s anything I should add/change for the next one I write, please!
> 
> *Also: Very sorry about the time jumps, Jaina is still trying to recover her lost memories from the explosion so most of them come back to her in dreams/daydreams!*

** Memories in Dreams **

 

_~~~~~~_

_“Alistair?” Jaina calls out, quietly opening the door to Alistair’s room._

_It was late._

_Alistair had a string of meetings the whole day that exhausted him so much so that he nearly collapsed. Jaina had been watching over him over the week to make sure he wasn’t ill, turns out he was working too hard. She couldn’t sleep, her thoughts of Alistair running rampant. Running a country would stress anyone out but Alistair made it look so easy, he never complained._

_After receiving no answer, she continued to softly and quietly enter his room. She reached the windows and shut the curtains and then she lit a few candles around the room incase he woke in the middle of the night. Walking over to his desk, she straightened some of the papers strewn about and placed his quill back into the inkwell. She picked up the clothing he left lying near the desk and neatly folded them onto his dresser for the servants to retrieve in the morning._

_She made her way to the nightstand beside his bed and refilled his water glass. She switched the cloth he must have used for his headache for a new one, placing the older one in the pale beside the stand. Jaina turned to his bed, staring at the shirtless man. His face was buried deeply into his pillow, a soft snore escaping his open lips. Alistair always slept closely to the edge of his rather large bed, he did so because “he’d always be ready incase of an emergency.” His dark blue sheets tangled in his legs and covered up to the middle of his back._

_Jaina watched him breathe, in the least creepy way possible, she thought to herself. She felt like he never slept enough and it made her happy to see the man who saved her life at peace, if only for a few hours._

_Was that who he was to her? “The man that saved her life?” Lately, that question had crossed her mind frequently. She couldn’t help but notice the small tingle in her chest and flutters in her stomach whenever she saw him._

_Her first memory of her heart starting to yearn for him was a few weeks after he took her in. He had just finished sparring with a fellow friend from the Wardens and was completely shirtless. Sweat was dripping from his face and down his chest in slow beads, all she could do was stare as he wiped his face with the shirt he’d taken off. Jaina was on her way to the stables to get back into riding and she stood there mouth agape. Alistair had noticed and excitedly ran over to her, a large smile on his face and his muscles full of adrenaline. Her whole face must’ve turned red, she could feel it behind her cheeks and ears. Alistair asked her how she was settling in and she would continue to tell him he spoils her, that she wishes she could do something helpful. Then, he’d follow it up with her being alive is enough for now and she didn’t need to lift a finger in his home. It was the first time she had noticed her heart beat quicker in his presence._

_She smiled as she watched him dream, his biceps flexing in his sleep. Somehow, she felt her body moving on its own and found herself climbing onto his bed. Slowly, she crept up behind him and continued to watch him. Something about him made her chest curiously warm. Whenever they met eyes across a dinner table or in passing, he’d shoot her a content smile and it would make her heart flutter. Sometimes, he’d talk with his mouth full at dinner and it would disgust his advisors but it made her laugh. There are also times he forgets his paperwork when it needs to be signed and when he comes into his room frazzled about his forgetfulness, she always has it ready for him._

_Another memory of her intruding feelings for him came when he had left to go to Starkhaven on business. He was gone for nearly a month and she was incredibly bored. The few weeks prior to him leaving, he had been teaching her the history of the Wardens, he talked of Duncan and his friends. They had grown considerably close since she arrived at the castle, they spent much of the time he had alone - together. In his absence, she found herself wandering the gardens or trying to help the kitchen staff with dinner. Living in the circle, she hadn’t had to cook for herself and she wanted to be useful. Of course, they wouldn’t allow her - she was the “Kings special guest.” She missed him. It was a strange thing to admit to herself but she couldn’t deny the empty feeling she had when he was gone. When he had returned, she was the first person he visited. It was unexpected, she had been studying in her quarters when he had knocked and let himself in. Before she could speak, her feet had carried her across the room and she had latched onto him in a warm hug. It had shocked Alistair but it made him happy nonetheless, his arms wrapped around her in an embrace that made Jaina’s heart weep._

_Some days, he would have to get all dressed up and he’d look so elegant, it took her breath away. Just recently, he had to greet some visitors from Nevarra and he looked so handsome. All of the women in the castle swooned and fawned over him, rightfully so. Jaina couldn’t help the jealousy she felt when she watched the others look at him in the ways that they did. Whenever he’d go on a trip, he’d come see her and tell her not to worry. He’d also hug her tightly and kiss her forehead, a gesture that always left her heart racing._

_Touching her hand to her heart, she could feel it racing even now. Had she grown to love the King? The sudden realization of her thoughts startled her and it made her body flash hot. Surely, he’d not have time for her. He is a King and she is just a mere woman he picked up off the streets._

_She wondered what it would be like to be the King’s lover. Surely, they were friends and she was his confidant but anything more was just a dream. In a perfect world she’d tell him how she was feeling._

_“Oh, Alistair...” Jaina sighed, longingly._

_With the same hand she touched her heart to, Jaina reached out to place it on Alistair’s head. Softly, she dragged her nails across his scalp. Almost immediately, a content moan left his lips and she gasped at the reaction. Smiling, she continued her motions and moved down to the base of his head where it met his neck. She had done this before, usually after he’d come to her whenever he had finished a meeting. He would lay himself across her lap like a dog and wait for his scratches._

_“Only in a perfect world.” She whispered to herself quietly._

_Jaina grew sadder as the minutes passed on. She knew her heart wouldn’t lie to her, it was the one thing about herself she understood the best. Without her heart and compassion, there’d be no her. Alas, Alistair was not hers to keep and eventually she would have to leave the castle and start a life of her own. Recently, she had been beginning to wonder if she was overstaying her welcome. Because of her insecurities, she’d been scouting places to go once she left the castle._

_Without him._

_After a few minutes of tender appreciation of her King, Jaina knew she must go back to her own room to get sleep. She was disappointed to have to leave him but what she was doing was inappropriate. If she got caught, she’d be punished. The thought of even being shamed for such a thing spurred her to start moving off the bed._

_She was close to the other side of the bed and in an instant, she was now on her back staring up at the man above her. Hands holding her wrists to the bed and his knee between her legs, her nightgown hiked up to the top of her thigh. His dark eyes burned into hers and his body was illuminated by the faint moonlight. She felt her heart doing summersaults in her chest when she realized how improper they must have looked. Jaina’s eyes traveled south and reveled at the sight of him. She squealed when she realized he wasn’t wearing any bedclothes....or small-clothes._

_“A-Alistair..?!” Jaina barely whispered._

_Alistair started to lower himself to be closer to her, his eyes slightly closing and his eyelashes fluttering. Jaina was powerless against him but she wasn’t fighting him, either. She watched as his lips parted slightly, his tongue reaching out to lick his bottom lip._

_“I should get b-back to my room.” She reminds him. “You h-have a fever, surely.”_

_His body pressed against hers and he used one hand to caress her face, the other to snake under her back to hold her to him. “No fever. Only in a perfect world, you said?” His sleepy voice rasps._

_“I-“_

_“What’s only in a perfect world?” He asks, staring intently into her eyes._

_“N-Nothing, I... was just rambling, nothing too important!” She tried to cover up her words that she swore he couldn’t have heard._

_“Jaina.” He calls softly, he knew she was lying to him and herself._

_“Yes?” She says, trying to hide the feeling bubbling in her stomach._

_“You are a cruel woman.” He sighs, kissing her forehead._

_Jaina didn’t know what to do with her hands so, instead of having them just lay beside her bed, she reached up and threads her fingers in his hair. Tilting her head to look at him better, she stares at the beautiful man before her. “What have I done?”_

_“Coming to my room late in the night, dressed only in a nightgown, and then coming into my bed only to leave?” He asks, sounding disappointed she wasn’t going to stay. “I was rather enjoying your warmth.”_

_His admission made her heart skip a beat. If there was sunlight in this room, he’d be able to see the redness on her cheeks. She thanked the Maker he couldn’t and that it was dark._

_“I am not permitted to stay here, your Majesty.” She reminds him of her station._

_Alistair lowers his eyes to look at her thoroughly. Jaina felt his gaze on the bare parts of her skin, her chest slightly exposed due to her position. He licked his lips again, almost looking like a predator about to take its prey. It thrilled her to see such an expression she’d never seen before, it made her feel...things._

_“Please, stay.”_

_She wanted to feel embarrassed but she wasn’t, she felt like her body was slowly being set on fire by his eyes. She knew he could see through the material of her gown, he could see the most intimate parts of her even in the night. That kind of thing would have scared her but because it was him, she welcomed it._

_“You know if someone caught me here, I’d be reprimanded.” Jaina tries one last time to hold her resolve together._

_“I am the King. No one shall reprimand you without my permission.” He states, his voice still low._

_Jaina smiled with her eyes, intently joining them with his after looking down at his body once more. She looked at his lips and then down to his chest and back to his eyes. Her leg brushed against his and she could have sworn she could feel the cold winter air of Fereldan run down her spine._

_“Maker.” He groaned, lowering his head in defeat._

_“What’s wr-“_

_Before she could even finish her question, warm lips crashed onto hers. For the first time he’s ever kissed her, Jaina was surprised. Alistair’s hand on her back found its way to her thigh, gently squeezing the flesh there. The other on her face was knit into her hair, cradling the back of her head. His hips against hers created a friction unfamiliar to her but not unwelcome, the feeling starting to feel - hot. Jaina wrapped her arms around his neck and wrapped her legs around his waist. Alistair groaned at the feeling, his hands gliding along her body, scalding her skin. She began to wonder if he would take her as his own, claim her for all of the world to see. She’d happily allow him to brand her with his fiery touch._

_She didn’t know what made him want to do this but she knew she didn’t want it to stop. This was a whole new feeling, she’d never experienced this kind of rush before. Before she knew it, a throaty moan escaped her lips when his hands started to push her gown up her sides. A quick, questioning look for permission reached her eyes, she nodded. The feeling of his fingertips along the sides of her hips and stomach was foreign but the rush of adrenaline it gave her wasn’t. The both of them grasped at each other desperately, like they had waited too long for this moment._

_Jaina’s hands roamed Alistair’s back.She had never been touched like this before and she had never known how starved for him she was until now. She felt him grind his hips into hers, a delicious friction heating them both. His body was delectable, so beautiful to look at. She reached up to touch the panes of his chest, dragging her fingertips down his abdomen. Both hands moving back up to grip his biceps, squeezing gently._

_“Alist-“_

_She tried to call out to him but she was breathing heavier and he didn’t give her much time before his tongue found hers. He slanted his lips over hers more, kissing her deeply and more passionately. Whatever had been slowly getting wound up between them finally snapped. Jaina bit his lower lip, earning a fierce growl from him. Alistair immediately pulled her gown up her stomach and over her head, revealing nothing. If she had a word to describe his eyes, she’d use - hungry. The hunger in his eyes was prominent when he sat up to appreciate the sight of her laying bare before him._

_“You are so beautiful.” He whispers before his hands started to massage her breasts._

_Jaina’s eyes widened at the feeling, throwing her head back at the sudden rush of heat to her core. Alistair took one nipple in between his fingers and tweaked it between them. He took the other into his mouth, sucking lightly then harder in tandem with his other hand._

_“Alistair!” Jaina gasped, keening from his touch._

_He continued his work and used his free hand to reach down to her thigh, pulling it close to him and squeezing the flesh of her ass. He received another moan from Jaina’s lips, spurring him on to continue._

_Pulling away from the stiff peak in his mouth, it made a slight pop. Looking back up at the woman in his bed, Alistair started to kiss up her chest to her collarbone. He sucked tightly on the taut skin, leaving a purple love-mark, claiming what’s rightfully his. Next, he moved his mouth to the other mound, tracing his tongue around the shape then pulling it into his mouth. He spent the next few minutes appreciating her breasts, his heat warming her. When he had finished, he left hot, open-mouthed kisses as he traveled up her neck and behind her ear. The sounds of his breath beside her ear sent hot tingles to her core._

_“I have longed for you, Jaina.” He whispers into the shell of her ear, kissing the side of her face after. The sensation sent electricity down her spine before she spoke._

_“I’ve never...” Jaina confesses, nervously biting her bottom lip. “I’m-“_

_His eyes widened at her admission, he smiled to her and earned a beautiful smile back. The woman before him, he yearned for her for so long. When he had come to see how wonderful she was, how brave and kind she was, he had to have her. There was no letting go of her and he never intended to. She was his now, as he was hers._

_“Maker, take me.” Alistair curses under his breath before attacking her lips once more. Now that she was accustom to the feeling, her tongue pressed against his. Her stomach twisted and pulled in different directions when she felt the hot, length of him against her. “Do you want this, want me?”_

_“What kind of question is that?” Jaina teased, pulling him back down to kiss him._

_Trailing kisses down her neck and chest once more, Alistair continued down her abdomen, leaving a few extra marks and then to her thighs. He settled between her legs and gave each one proper attention. His fingers began to massage the bud that lay underneath a small patch of dark curls. Jaina’s eyes clenched closed as a rush of air escaped her lungs. Alistair breathed against the innermost part of her thigh before returning to the kisses he was laying before. Slowly, he began to run small circles over her, earning mewls from up above. She writhed against him, her hips bucking from his work._

_His fingers traveled further south as he reached her opening, he circled it gently, collecting the arousal that had resided there. “You look absolutely divine.” He complimented, his husky breath against her core made her dizzy._

_Slowly entering her with one finger, Jaina let out a strangled cry. It was foreign but not painful, she was no stranger to pleasuring herself. His fingers longer and thicker than her own.“I’m okay.” She reassured him when he worriedly stopped to look at her. Adding a second finger, Alistair began to pump his fingers in and out of her at a set pace. He reached his free hand back up to one of her breasts, kneading the flesh desperately. The both of them were breathing heavily, sweating from how intense their actions were. He wanted to see her fall apart multiple times before he took her, he wanted to savor this moment._

_“A-Ali...” Jaina called out, breathlessly._

_“I want to make sure you’re completely ready, my dear.” He answers, using his thumb to rub her swollen clit as he pumps faster._

_“I can’t, Alis-“ Jaina’s breath caught in her throat when he had found the spot she liked. It would only be a matter of minutes now, she knew that much._

_“Let me taste you.” He breathes against her heat before completely delving into her. His mouth sucking her sensitive bud between his lips, his tongue moving in tandem with his fingers. Jaina’s breathing had begun to speed up, giving Alistair all the encouragement he needed other than her loud panting. Her hips bucked at the sensation of him lapping at her like a man starved, she couldn’t keep her voice down. Alistair added a third finger into her and pumped his fingers even faster now, his suckling getting harder. Jaina felt the familiar buildup in her stomach before clamping her eyes shut and crying out in pleasure. Alistair rode out her climax against his face, tasting all of her and losing all resolve that he had before._

_It felt like hours after Alistair had made her find her end three or four times, she had lost count. She was in the clouds and she felt complete euphoria from his ministrations. She hadn’t known anything like this and she had never felt her heart open so freely before._

_“Alistair, please.” Jaina begged, barely a whisper as she spoke._

_“Happily.” He groaned, stroking himself a few times before finding his place between her legs._

_Jaina watched as the tip of his head slowly entered her, Alistair’s eyes closing at the feeling. Groaning in pleasure, he pushed forward and with little resistance due to her multiple orgasms, he hilted himself. Throwing her head back onto the pillow, Jaina pulled him down with her, taking his lips._

_Alistair began to move, his hips stuttering and wanting to lose control. “Maker.” He bit his lip, trying to maintain focus. Angling himself, he found the spot he had found before when his fingers were inside of her. He began to thrust deeply into that spot, watching his woman arch in pleasure._

_She cried out, moving her hips to meet his at each thrust. They were losing themselves in their pleasure, the erotic sounds of skin slapping against skin only made them hotter._

_Alistair gripped her hips tightly, she was sure she would have bruises come morning. “Maker, I’m-“ he broke, his hips stating to quicken in pace as he was nearing his end. It had been years since he felt a woman, let alone a woman he cared for. “You are amazing.”_

_“Alistair...” Jaina breathed, her forehead pressed to his. They watched each other as he fucked her, their eyes burning into one another. “Don’t close your eyes when you-“_

_“Alright.” He smirks, sexily. A look Jaina had never seen before but it did things to her, she could feel herself ready to tumble over the edge at any minute now._

_Feeling her tighten around him, Alistair found the bundle of nerves and started to caress them faster now. His thrusts started to get sloppier but he found a comfortable rhythm, causing the both of them to cry out in pleasure. Together, they were breathing heavily and staring into each other’s eyes. “Alistair I’m going to-“_

_“Me too.” He choked out._

_Almost immediately, Jaina screamed his name at her release. Her back arched all the way up and her toes curled, her legs tightly wrapped around his waist. The feeling of her release and vice-like grip around him sent Alistair into his own. He gripped her hips even harder with his fingertips and slammed into her as he released himself deep inside of her, collapsing onto her chest._

_“Alistair.” Jaina sighed happily, wrapping her arms around him._

_“I love you.” He half-whispered as he pulled his head up and looked into her eyes. “Maker, I love you.”_

_“You w-what?” She blinked, feeling tears well in her eyes at his sudden admission._

_“I do. So much.” He cupped her face and kissed her passionately. Pulling away he kissed her nose, then her forehead, then both of her cheeks, her chin, and then back to her lips. “I know you’ve not been here long and it seems too soon and I- well, I cannot be without you. I’ve been a fool trying to keep it hidden but I can’t. Not anymore.”_

_“I love you, too.” She cried, her tears slipping down her cheeks and onto his fingers._

_Alistair switched their positions, pulling her into his warm chest and wrapping his arms around her. “Stay with me, forever.”_

_“You’d want that?” She asks, shocked._

_“I couldn’t think of anything better.” He sighed, content with his life for the first time in a long time._

_~~~~~~_


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a continuation of Chapter 8, Chapter 9 was a daydream/flashback during Chapter 8.

** Reunion **

 

“King Alistair?!” Cassandra asks, shocked. “What are you doing here!”

 

“Where is she?” He says breathlessly, maneuvering around the two women, desperately searching around the room. 

 

His sword still drawn before her, Jaina looked up at Cullen and nodded, a reassuring smile on her lips. She placed her hand on his, pushing his sword out of the way and stepping into the light of the Chantry candles. Jaina mulled over what she would say to the man she hasn’t seen in so long, what tone of voice she would use, or how her face would look whilst doing so. Looking at him now made her lungs tight, almost like she had been drowning in that frozen lake. She waited until his eyes finished scanning the Chantry and found hers. When they did, it felt as if she had been struck by lightning.

 

“Alistair.” She sighed. 

 

_Do I really want to see him right now? He came all this way to see me, but if he truly missed me...Why did he wait so long?_

 

He saw her and examined every piece of her, remembering Mary’s warning. She no longer looked the same as he last saw her. Her once wild chocolate hair now white, pinned up and braided. She was skinnier and her eyes wrapped with dark circles, she looked exhausted. Her normal causal clothing she’d wear replaced by chain mail, armor fitting of the notorious Herald. She was different, a good and bad different, he thought. All of this was thought in a split second before he took off running to her, taking her into a crushing embrace and taking everyone by surprise. 

 

Her arms nervously found their way around his waist, his around her neck and face buried deep. They swayed from the force of his hug and how fast he came at her. He pulled away and within a millisecond his lips were on hers, desperate and salty from his tears. They stayed like that for a moment while everyone in the Chantry watched with wide eyes and gaping mouths. No one had known about her, let alone Alistair having a secret lover. This was a complete shock to everyone in the room, including Cullen who had believed Alistair would never search for her. 

 

Jaina found it hard to pull away from him. She knew he never wished ill-will on her even if he did break her heart before she left for the Conclave. The warmth of him washed over her and the feeling of his lips became familiar once more. He held her tightly as if she would fade away to nothing if he didn’t, something he always did that gave her comfort. Now, it was different. He really thought she had died. Even she thought she had died at first. They broke from their kiss and Alistair’s hands caressed her face, his forehead against hers. He sighed, “I’m so sorry for everything. Maker, I am such a fool, I thought- I thought you were dead, Jay. I thought I lost you forever.”

 

“I’m right here.” She half-whispered, wishing she was anywhere else. 

 

A cough and a clearing of a throat broke Jaina out of her daze. Averting her attention from her ex-lover, she felt faint now that she realized everyone in Thedas would know of this tomorrow. 

 

“Well, well, my little bird. Looks like you’ve got some explaining to do!” Dorian muses, rubbing the hair on his face. 

 

“Yes. She does.” Cassandra adds, clearly shocked. “Though, I am moved by the passion I just witnessed, we need to deescalate the rumors about to spread.” 

 

“Cassandra is right. King Alistair, I know what you have done is in good faith but the Inquisition has just started it’s journey. What will Thedas do now that they’ve learned it’s Herald and the King of Fereldan are...” Josephine starts but doesn’t finish as she is unsure of what the couple are to each other. “Well,  _involved_ .” 

 

“We’re not together...” Jaina says, almost like she was trying to get the point across to herself and maybe someone else? Alistair looked at her confused, like he was expecting her to say they were. Jaina felt slightly irritated at his implied expression at her comment, she couldn’t believe what he was thinking after all this time.

 

“No one will believe you after witnessing that display .” Cullen rolls his eyes, shifting his weight onto his other leg and crossing his arms again. 

 

_Is he cross with me?_

 

“Jay, love.” Alistair asks for her attention again. 

 

“Yes?” She turns back to him. 

 

“I know that we left things in a bad place before you left but-“

 

“Alistair. Before you even finish that sentence, please remember what actually happened that day.” Jaina reminds him, one hand on her hip. 

 

“I know, I know but...” He presses. “What of us now?” 

 

“This is a conversation I will have with you once the Breach is closed and I can breathe for longer than five minutes.” She sighs, heavily. She knew he’d want to continue where they left off before but she couldn’t right now. Since then, she thought he no longer wanted her by the way he ended things. Since then, she had been moving on with her new life, trying to forget her love for him. 

 

Since then, she had found a rekindling and budding friendship with someone else. 

 

_Am I an awful person for trying to move on? I did what I had to do to survive and let go of my past. What is this feeling? Suddenly, the air around me feels tight. The tension in the room is enough to snap a bowstring._

 

Leliana found her way to Alistair and began talking to him about things from the old days, Jaina knew she was trying to distract him. Thankfully, he continued the conversation and Jaina rubbed her face with her hands frustratedly. Jaina glanced over at Cullen who had been silent and standing against the wall. He had a strange look on his face and she couldn’t quite place what it was. Tilting her head she locked eyes with him, trying to understand what he was feeling. Cullen’s gaze averted from her and then back again, only to move to the floor. Somehow, the look in his eyes wounded her. Was he uncomfortable because of Alistair?

 

_Is this feeling guilt? What do I feel guilty for? Until now, I was convinced Alistair and I’s relationship was dust. I’m not the same person I was then._

 

“What’s wrong?” She mouths quietly to Cullen from across the room. 

 

All she received back was him shaking his head and closing his eyes. Jaina didn’t understand what was running through his head, she knew he was being broody. She needed to understand what was bothering him, him showing any type of emotion other than his usual anger or recent softness towards her, worried her.She started to move her feet but was pulled back by Alistair’s grip on her wrist. “Let’s get you bathed and rested, you have a long week ahead of you.” Alistair suggests, a sly smile on his lips.

 

_Oh._

 

_I know that look._

 

“You’re staying?” Jaina asks, shocked and looks over at Leliana and Cassandra who have shocked looks as well. She wasn’t ready for what Alistair seemingly had planned by the look in his eyes. She wasn’t ready for him to be here whatsoever. 

 

“Of course I am, why would I miss you closing the Breach?” He asks, curiously. 

 

“Because you are a King, Alistair. You must know that being here makes things extremely difficult for the newly budding Inquisition and for your Kingdom.” Cullen interjects as he finds his place at Jaina’s side. 

 

“Well, it’s good to see that you still are as strict as ever, Cullen.” Alistair chuckles. 

 

“Is it wise for you to stay?” Cullen begins. “You have duties and responsibilities as King.” 

 

“I’m sure a week or two here won’t hurt.” Alistair smiles down at Jaina.

 

Jaina could feel her chest tightening and her words not coming out like she wanted them to. This was getting entirely out of hand and she didn’t know how to fix it. Panic was slowly creeping in, a feeling she did not welcome. “You ca-“

 

“Wait.” Josephine interrupts Cullen who was probably going to speak out of turn. “This could be a good opportunity for us. If the King of Fereldan openly pledges his support for the Inquisition, it could open up more deals and influence that we need.” 

 

“Well thought, Josie.” Leliana praises. “Yes. It would be a good opportunity to use this to our advantage.” 

 

“Guys, Alistair is not a pawn to be used for our benefit.” Jaina protests, irritated at the thought. 

 

“Do not worry, Lady Trevelyan. I do believe I have an idea to thwart any rumors that will undoubtedly surface in days time.” Josie smiles a smile Jaina knows too well, that woman has a plan. 

 

“If I can be of service, use me as much as you’d like.” Alistair chimes in. “If it means being here with you, I don’t mind at all.”

 

Jaina felt her heart pang in her chest and a blush on her cheeks. She forgot how cheesy he was in their time apart, she missed that feeling. She forgot how easy it was to fall in to him. He was extremely comforting, so loving, and kind. What woman wouldn’t want a man like that? 

 

_I had a man like that once. He’s still that man but I, I am no longer that woman._

 

“I hope you know that finding quarters for you will be extremely difficult.” Cullen adds. “I hope you brought a tent.” 

 

“Nonsense. I’ll be staying with Jaina.” Alistair proposed, staring at Cullen weirdly. Jaina notes that she can feel something like a hot branding iron-like tension in their air between the two men. 

 

_Maker, help me. This is not what I wanted!_

 

Cullen shares another look with Jaina before speaking again. “Did you ask the Lady if that’s what she wants?” 

 

“Why wouldn’t she want me to stay with her?” Alistair questions, squinting his eyes at Cullen before returning his eyes back to her. “We’ve been sleeping together for the last couple of years, I’m sure she’s used to it by now.” 

 

Jaina felt like she was a chew toy for the two Mabari’s that are Cullen and Alistair right now. 

 

“I believe I heard Jaina say you two aren’t together. I think you should properly ask her to stay in her quarters before assuming that is what she wants.” Cullen says, taking an intimidating step forward towards Alistair. “If you recall, she is a Lady of noble birth. If word spreads that she is sharing a cabin with a man she is not courting, her reputation will be sullied.” 

 

Jaina was at a loss for words. Was Cullen really defending her right now? Did he really pick up on her being uncomfortable with sharing a room with Alistair? How could he possibly have known without her telling him? That was the first time he’s ever used her name, addressed her as she is and not “Herald” or “My Lady.” 

 

“Jaina.” Alistair’s tone changing and startling her out of her thoughts. 

 

“Mm?” She acknowledges, too tired to respond properly. 

 

“Do you not want me to stay with you?” He asks, his eyes large like Mabari pups begging. 

 

“Well, Alistair... It’s.. not that I don’t want to see you!” She begins. “It’s just been a long time and I just got back from Redcliffe, I’m tired and just want to be alone.” 

 

“Much happened there, Alistair.” Cassandra adds in, probably sensing the uncomfortable tension. “That also reminds me, I was wondering where you were at Redcliffe Castle. One of your men said you had gone on a mission of a sort and that’s why you didn’t come to address Fiona yourself.” 

 

“I guess you could say I was on my way here.” He chuckles. “I didn’t want to wait a moment later than I had to, to be with Jaina when I got word of her alive.” 

 

_Ouch, more guilt._

 

“Makes sense now.” Dorian chimes in from the corner, everyone nearly forgot he was there. “My dear, King. How about you share my quarters, I have an extra bed and would be more than happy to accommodate your stay. Let’s give our little bird some time to relax, shall we?” 

 

_Thank the Maker for Dorian._

 

“I guess it would be the best course of action since I did show up without notice.” Alistair sighs, defeated. 

 

“I can assure you, she has been well taken care of in your absence.” Cullen fires, nearly causing Jaina to choke on his words.  Sizing Cullen up, Alistair stood toe-to-toe with him. Cullen’s statement ticked him off and rubbed him the wrong way, Jaina could tell by the intense glare Alistair was shooting Cullen. “Has she now,  _Commander_ ?”

 

Crossing his arms to make some space between Alistair’s huffing chest, he looks slightly down at him. “She has. I’m surprised it took you this long to show up here, Your Majesty. Someone needed to make sure she wasn’t lonely so, I saw to it  myself .” 

 

“You know wh-“

 

“Alistair!” Jaina’s voice interrupted whatever Alistair was going to do to Cullen. She didn’t like where this pissing contest had gotten and she would stop it dead in its tracks now before it got worse. Alistair closed his eyes and backed away from the Commander. He took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes before turning his eyes to Jaina.

 

“I must thank you all for the hard work and for their taking care of her.” Alistair smiles as he nods to everyone. “Thank you, for keeping her safe.” 

 

_Wow, this is unbelievably uncomfortable._

 

“I will see you in the morning, Ali.” Jaina says, waving to him as she realizes she needed to leave the Chantry before she blows up. 

 

“I’ll ta-“

 

“Ah-ah.” Dorian scolds. “Our dear Commander walks her to her cabin every single night to ensure her safety. Let him do his job.” 

 

Cullen nodded and dismissed himself as he followed after Jaina like a lost puppy. It was plain to see that Alistair felt something then, was it jealousy? Was it anger? He didn’t know what that feeling was but all he knew, what that he did not like Cullen’s attachment to his Jaina. 

 

Jaina greeted Cullen as he walked beside her with his hands behind his back, like they did every night. “Thank you.” Jaina says, softly as they walk across the courtyard.

 

“For what?” He asks, surprised. 

 

“Noticing I was struggling with being uncomfortable and being unable to speak about it. I did not know he’d show up after all this time.” She sighs, pulling a piece of unruly hair behind her ear. “I... I don’t know how I should feel right now. Am I wrong for not being excited to see him?” 

 

“From what you’ve told me and how he ended things back home, I’d say no. How could you be excited to see someone who threw you out in the cold?” Cullen replies, trying to not let his personal feelings on the matter get in the way. 

 

“You think so?” She asks, nodding. “What do you think about his sudden arrival?” 

 

“Would you truly like to know? I do not wish to make matters worse.” He chuckled. 

 

“You are my advisor and...my friend. I look forward to hearing your opinions on things.” Jaina stops walking, looming over the word friend.

 

“To anyone else, it would look like he’s only come back now that you’re starting to gain power and influence in his lands. Any person of higher power would love to get their hands on the Inquisition.” He says honestly. 

 

“And to you? What’s it look like to you?” She asks, biting her lower lip as she looks up at him.

 

“To me?” He sighs. “He is a man in love. He thought you dead all this time, I cannot imagine what he has been going through since. I can only think of the guilt and responsibility he felt knowing the last things he said to you were ill-mannered and out of spite and fear.” 

 

“Oh. _Wow_. Okay.” She suddenly realizes how deep Cullen can get. “Do...I take him back?” 

 

Cullen’s eyes widen at the question, he knows she must be dealing with incredible inner turmoil. He couldn’t allow what he felt to influence how she felt, he would not manipulate her. “My Lady, that is up to you. That is not my decision to make.” 

 

“We’re back to formalities now?” She laughs a little. 

 

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry. Makers breath, did you want me to address you by your name?” He rubs at the back of his neck and flushes at his embarrassment. 

 

“You did call me by my name when you were showing your teeth to Alistair earlier.” Jaina giggles at his jealousy earlier on. 

 

“I-Oh, void take me. Forgive me, my actions were a tad uncalled for.” He sighs. 

 

“I didn’t mind it.” She smiles at him, bouncing on her toes to her heels, back and forth. 

 

“Oh! Well, I guess I can address you less formally then.” He half-smiles, his scar twisting upwards towards his nose. 

 

“Thank you, again.” She smiles bigger, her happiness hard to hide. She didn’t want to hide herself from him, from anyone at that. 

 

“I know things between us have been rocky since you’ve arrived, but I meant it when I said I will always be on your side.” He says earnestly, opening her door for her. 

 

“I greatly appreciate it, Cullen.” She thanks him, earning a bright blush across his face. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting her to say his name like he did hers earlier. 

 

“Anything for you.” He stutters out. 


	11. 11

** Eleven **

 

Jaina spent the better half of the morning trying to make sense of the day before, to make sense of Alistair randomly showing up at Haven. There was no logical way to wrap her head around the fact that he wants to pick up where they left off as if nothing happened between them, like he didn’t send her packing on their wedding day. 

 

Once she finally did a few breathing exercises to try and calm her nerves, she exited her cabin. She pulled the coat that Cullen gave her closely to her neck to avoid the chill of the mountains, putting her hands in the deep pockets to keep them warm. She slowly surveyed the area to make sure the coast was clear and then she began to make her way down to see Cassandra to explain this whole mess. Naturally, Cassandra lived for shit like this and she loved hearing stories like hers and Alistair’s. 

 

She was just about to reach the sparring area when Alistair’s voice called out from behind her. Squeezing her eyes shut and hunching her shoulders as she stopped dead in her tracks, she slowly turned on her heel to meet his eyes as he jogs up to her. Today he wore a normal outfit, unlike his usual “kingly” garb. “How are you this morning?” He greets her all smiles, more confident than she ever remembered him. 

 

Balling her fists in her pockets, she spoke. “I’m...I’m as well as anyone else would be in my situation.” 

 

He watched her for a moment as if he was trying to read her. “I was uh, wondering if you’d like to go on a walk with me? Show me around, maybe? It’s been a while since I’ve seen this place so...” He suggests awkwardly, reminding Jaina of the man she once knew. 

 

“Ah, yes.” Jaina breathes. “I forgot that you’d been here with Leliana and Lady Cousland.” 

 

The mention of the dead Warden had always been a sore spot with him, she knew that it would be for the rest of his life. She remembered how jealous it used to make her whenever she caught him thinking of her in daydreams in his office. Once, she had caught him reading old letters she had written him in their time apart. Naturally, she was angry at first but, she could not fault him. Apparently there was much left unsaid on his part and he felt responsible for the longest time, she was sure he still felt that way. Anyone would, she thought. 

 

Jaina nodded and they began to walk side by side, drawing the attention of recruits and the common people of Haven. Alistair walked close to her, their shoulders close enough to brush against one another. Once they had gotten slightly more comfortable with each other’s presence, Alistair asked her about what happened at the Conclave. She responded with a lack of understanding of what happened, she had no memory of it all. She had told him that some of their early memories together are coming back to her in bits and pieces, too. Jaina tries to move the conversation away from the nostalgic sadness she was feeling and asked him about the servants at the castle, about the rifts, and about his advisors. He told her how boring life at the castle had been without her and how much he missed her livening up the place. He told her that Mary was back to working for the throne again and was the reason he found her at all. 

 

It was easy to fall back into this routine, she thought. She watched him as he spoke and realized he looked like he had aged five years even though it hadn’t been nearly as long. She wondered if ruling a kingdom had that effect on people. Jaina watched his lips as he spoke, she never knew why but she always loved watching him speak. His dark skin contrasted beautifully with the snowy environment around them and his freckles painted his skin in constellations. She remembered how she used to take paint and draw shapes on his back at night, the feeling of the soft bristles on the brush used to make Alistair relaxed enough to sleep. The memory made her blush because the bristles of the brush didn’t just make him relaxed... 

 

Jaina had stopped talking casually and felt her cheeks brighten and heat up. The sound of the snow crunching beneath their boots was the only thing to be heard other than the slight howl of the wind. Jaina had no clue as to what she could talk about with him, it had been a long time since she thought about what she’d do in this exact situation. She caught him look over at her every couple of minutes or so as they neared the bridge over the frozen waterfall. 

 

“Is something wrong?” She asks, standing still and looking out to the horizon. 

 

“Oh! No, not really, I guess.” He replies, standing closely next to her so that their shoulders touched finally. 

 

“You guess?” She raises her brow, looking up at him. 

 

“I honestly wish I knew what to say right now.” He starts. “I’ve been thinking about the right thing to say to you once we reunited but...words seem to fail me as per usual.” 

 

A small chuckle escaped her lips, the hot air creating a steam as she talked. Alistair looked at her and felt his heart clench. 

 

“You know, I used to think of the same thing all the time.” Jaina admits, leaning against the railing of the bridge. 

 

“Used to?” He asks, clearly disappointed in the past tense. 

 

Jaina caught the specific tone in his voice quickly and mentally slapped herself for making this even more awkward. She shook her head and pursed her lips, she needed to think of something to say. “Ali...” 

 

“Mmm?” He hums, looking down at the river below. 

 

“You do know that I never thought we’d have this discussion right now or if we’d ever have a discussion again. Right?” She stands back up and grips the railing with her hands. “You showing up yesterday caught me by surprise.” 

 

“Well, good. I wanted to surprise you, at least that part worked!” He tries to laugh off the first part of the question he didn’t answer. 

 

“You can’t avoid this forever.” Jaina scolds him, putting her hand on his shoulder. She moves him to face her directly, forgetting how much taller he was than her. He had to look down at her which made things a little more difficult. “Look at me.” 

 

He looked at her through his long lashes and lidded eyes, a long sigh escaping his lips. “Jaina I-“ 

 

Taking a deep breath, she knew she needed to speak her mind. “How could you?” 

 

Alistair’s eyes shot open at her accusation. He knew he needed to let her talk, Mary told him to hear her out and let her finish before adding his piece. 

 

“How could you kick me out of the castle, our _home_ , on our wedding day?!” Jaina balled her fists at her side and stepped forward. “I understand that you were angry and upset with my decision to leave but you didn’t even give me a chance to speak after you decided..” 

 

“I’m sorry, Jay.” He tries to add. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” 

 

“You could’ve at least listened to me!” She raises her voice. 

 

“What was there to listen to when you had already decided to leave me!?” He breaks composure. 

 

“This is the one thing I hated that you always did! For a King who is supposed to know everything, you knew nothing about what I was going to do!” She retorts. 

 

“That’s not fair and you know it! My advisors loved to keep everything from me because they all think I’m some stupid mutt not fit for the throne..” He admits. 

 

“You are the King, Alistair, not them! You tell them what to do, you command the armies and you command the kingdom! How could you ever think that I would make a decision like that without thinking of you?!” Jaina starts to raise her voice. 

 

“You made that decision without me the day of our wedding when I found you crying in the requisitions office!” He says, shaking his head. They both knew if they didn’t get this anger and pent up sadness under control, that things would spiral out of control just like it did that day. 

 

“I was about to put everything behind for you and all I wanted was this one last thing! This mission would have given me the freedom I needed to continue my life under my real name.” She throws her hands up. 

 

Clearly, Alistair was shocked and Jaina could see it on his face that he had no idea what she meant. She scoffed, knowing he didn’t completely read the letter she had left for him. 

 

“Alistair...” Jaina trails off, feeling sparks at her fingertips from anger. 

 

“Jaina I-“ 

 

“I told you to read my letter that I left on your desk...” Jaina continues. 

 

“I was beside myself, okay?!” Alistair breaks, throwing his hands up in defense. “Why would I read a whole letter written about my screw-ups when I couldn’t bring myself to even say your name out loud when you left?” 

 

A moment of silence passed over them. 

 

“There was important information that I left for you, Ali.” She says, defeated. 

 

“Like what?” He asks, irritated and unable to process the fact that this whole thing might be because of a huge misunderstanding on his part. 

 

“If you had read the whole thing, you would have seen the letter I received from Leliana! She was the one who sent the correspondence for the Divine and she knew about me before all of this. That letter explained that if I completed the mission successfully, all of my past crimes would be pardoned!!” Jaina yells, starting to lose her cool. 

 

It took a moment for Alistair to process the weight of her words, slowly, they came crashing down on him. He put his hand on the middle of his chest and gripped the vest of his wool coat and swallowed hard, his eyes focused on her. 

 

“...Y-You mean-“

 

“Yes, Ali.” She nearly cries. “All you had to do was wait for me...” 

 

Looking down at his hands, Alistair clenched his fists before running them through his hair frustratedly. He took a step back from her and turned his back to her, letting out a shaky breath. “So...You were, you were going to come back?” 

 

Feeling the familiar ache in her stomach and chest, Jaina knew she couldn’t lie to him or else the Maker would strike her down on that bridge. She knew the only way to move on with this life was to be completely honest with him. 

 

“Yes, I was going to return once I had finished working with Divine Justinia.” She breathed, slowly. “When I had met her, she spoke of my past with me and gave me some faith. She....She even blessed our union and offered to marry us once the Conclave was over.” 

 

Her words felt like a blow to the stomach to Alistair. He did not speak and if he did, he was afraid that he’d break because he was so close to doing so but didn’t want to show it. 

 

A minute or two had passed before Jaina grew impatient with his lack of words. She grew worried that he was blaming himself for everything, that he would combust at any moment. “Alist-“

 

In that one moment, Alistair had quickly turned on his heal and reached for her face. He cradled her face in his large hands and pulled her into him, taking her lips in a swift and searing kiss. Jaina barely had any time to react until she realized what was happening, unable to stop herself, she let herself enjoy him. 

 

She gripped the leather edges on the bottom of his coat, her nails digging into the hard material. One of Alistair’s hands slid down the side of her and wrapped around the small of her back, pressing her closer to him. Jaina felt the hair on her arms and the back of her neck stand up at his touch, her stomach doing summersaults as he backed her up against the large stone pillar of the bridge.It was so hard to deny him because she still harbored those intense feelings for him, she couldn’t lie to herself like she had been for the last Maker knows how long. 

 

_Am I being selfish?_

 

Alistair deepened their kiss, using his other hand to run his fingers through her hair to hold the base of her head tightly. Slanting his lips over hers over and over, Jaina felt like it was getting harder and harder to breathe. Jaina put her hands on his chest and was shocked when she could feel his heart hammering against his chest, just like her own. 

 

She then remembered Cullen and how they had just started to get along, how they had been spending more time together. Jaina genuinely started feeling things again for Cullen, this time, more advanced than when she was younger and they were inexperienced children. The nausea she felt at her own betrayal, Jaina slowly pushed Alistair off of her and away from her lips. 

 

“Ali, no...We can’t.” She lets out a heavy breath. 

 

The look on his face broke her heart and made it want to jump out of her chest and hold him. “But why? Is my love not enough?” 

 

“It’s not like that and you know it.” She tries to reassure him. His love was enough and she knew if this continued, she’d be head over heels in love again but she couldn’t anymore. 

 

“Why can’t I be with you?” His voice cracking and the edges of his eyes watering. 

 

“Ali, I-“

 

“There’s someone else...Isn’t there?” He asks, hitting the nail right on the head. The way his eyes stared into hers made her chest burn. 

 

“Could you please let me finish!” She shouts. “I have loved you, Alistair and I’ll love you until the day I die but I-I cannot commit to you until the Breach is closed...Until I’m sure I won’t perish closing it.” 

 

Upon hearing her last words, Alistair pulled her into a tight embrace. “Don’t you dare say that again.” His voice shaking from fear. “You will not perish. You will come back to me.” 

 

“Please.” She begs. “Even if I don’t die... Please don’t expect me to come running back with arms wide open.” 

 

“But you just-“

 

“I will need time.” She reminds him of their situation. 

 

Pulling away from her and caressing her cheek with his hand, Alistair furrows his brows as he examines her. “Then I will give you time, you deserve that much.” He says, kissing her hairline. 

 

Jaina wraps her arms around him and buries herself in his chest, releasing a loud gasp and then barely a sob. “I thought you had read the letter and chose not to come back for me.” Her tears streamed down her cheeks in large droplets as Alistair ran his hand down her hair and held her closer. “I’d always come back for you, love.” 

 

Jaina knew she was in trouble but she also knew she had a very important decision to make in the future. 


	12. 12

** Twelve  **

 

Late that night, Jaina sat alone on the edge of the dock at the frozen lake. She played with the little bits of hair that stuck out from the end of her braid, watching her fingers intricately twirl them. Her conversation with Alistair earlier in the day weighed heavily on her mind and she couldn’t stop thinking about his words. 

 

A piece of her felt like her brain and her heart were battling each other. Her brain knew that she loved Alistair and that he had lifted her out of the darkness after Kirkwall. Her brain also knew that they knew everything about one another, that they worked so well together. Yet, her heart wanted Cullen. Her heart wanted to run into his arms and kiss him, hard. She and Cullen were friends once, even lovers for a time - but they had never slept together even though they had done other things in their youth. Jaina knew that eventually she would have to choose one and stick with it because she wasn’t the type of person to lead someone on, she couldn’t be.  Who do I choose when I don’t even know who or what I want right now? 

 

Sighing out loud, Jaina threw her braid back over her shoulder. She leaned back on her hands and stared up at the cloudy night sky, watching little snowflakes flurry down. Jaina began to remember the horrible future she saw in Redcliffe with Dorian. She hadn’t talked about it with anyone but him because she didn’t know how to handle the shakes, cold chills, and shortness of breath that came with it. Dorian had told her it was a panic response and that he could help her through it. Jaina tried to shove the memories deep down but every time she thinks of it, she thinks of what happened to Cullen. She felt a violent chill run down her spine and a sharp, prickly feeling on her scalp. “Andraste preserve me.” She spoke out loud, her voice echoing her exhaustion. 

 

“Everything all right?” Cullen’s voice calls out beside her. 

 

Quickly turning her body to meet his gaze, Jaina felt like the air had been sucked from her lungs. He stood tall above her against one of the boulders next to the dock. Cullen was without his armor again, she wondered if he knew she secretly loved seeing him in normal clothing. He carried two mugs and he reached out to give her one, a kind smile on his lips. 

 

“For me?” She asks, stunned. 

 

“Of course.” He replies. “May I sit with you?” 

 

Taking the warm mug into her cold hands, Jaina smiles at the heat. She pulls it close to her and smells a sweet aroma of apple cider and it warms her heart as she remembered how they used to share hot cider in Kirkwall. 

 

“Thank you, Cullen.” Jaina says, taking a sip and delighting in the nostalgic flavor and warmth. 

 

“How is it?” He asks, taking a seat next to her, their legs touching as they swing over the edge of the dock. 

 

“It reminds me of many memories.” She hums happily. 

 

“Wonderful.” He starts. “I couldn’t remember the exact recipe from the Circle, but I tried to make it as close as possible.” 

 

Her eyes going wide as she takes another sip, she speaks. “You-You made this?” 

 

“Is that so hard to believe?” He chuckles lightly, taking a sip of his. 

 

“Well, no, but...Had you made it the entire time we lived in Kirkwall?” She questions. 

 

“At first, no.” Cullen recalls. “One of the kitchen maids had showed me how to make it ‘to impress a special lady’ and after that, I did, yes.” 

 

Jaina felt her heart swell and warmth in her chest at his recollection. Her mind began to swim with the many times they had shared the drink together and then she spoke. “A special lady, huh?” 

 

Cullen’s cheeks turned pink but Jaina couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or if it was because she successfully caught his words. He cleared his throat before answering her. “Well, yes, I-Uh. I wanted to make sure when the time came, I could prepare something personal.” 

 

“Who was said special lady?” She teases, nudging her elbow into his bicep. 

 

Cullen looked down at her elbow as it made contact with his arm and shook his head, smiling. He knew what she was playing at and normally, he’d play back since it’s been quite some time since he’s felt like this but he didn’t. “Is that even a question now?” 

 

Jaina could’ve swore she felt her heart stop at his comment and how his eyes stared into hers. His eyes sparkled under the night sky, the moon illuminating the brown frame around his honey-colored irises. Jaina set her mug down next to her and moved closer to him, to look at him better, her hand on the dock supporting her weight. “Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt then?” 

 

Cullen turned his body to face her. “I was afraid to get too attached. You were a noble woman and I was afraid that once you returned to Ostwick, you’d be married off to a nobleman. It was safer for my heart not to completely commit.” 

 

The weight of Cullen’s words hit her harder than she had expected, especially with such a sad answer as that. “Oh, Cullen..” She signed, sadly. 

 

Cullen smiled halfway and shrugged his shoulders, leaning towards her, his hand touching hers as he places it on the dock. The sudden contact of skin on skin shocks him, causing him to draw in a breath. He looked down at their hands and so did she. Jaina felt a buzz in the air, the swell of her heart, and the butterflies in her stomach made her body move without much thought. Slowly, Jaina inched her fingers closer to his, gently grazing the skin on his knuckles. He looked up and searched her face before returning his eyes back to their hands. Cullen curls his fingers around hers and intertwines their hands together, relishing the feeling of her skin. 

 

“Have you decided on what you’re to do about the King?” Cullen half-whispered. 

 

“It’s all very confusing.” Jaina replies. 

 

“What is?” He asks. 

 

“My heart and my brain are against each other and I, I feel _so_ many things right now. After Redcliffe, I had somewhat of an epiphany, I guess you could say.” Jaina says. “What I saw in that dark future, Cullen, I-“

 

“What’s the matter?” He reaches up to caress her face with his free hand. His brows furrow at his question and the sudden sadness that washed over her. 

 

“So many people had died and you-you had become one of  them ...” She sucks in her breath to avoid crying again. “Became one of those monsters.” 

 

“Maker, Jaina.” He sighs, trying to empathize with her. “If you don’t mind me asking, how did I-“

 

“When you had watched the elder one strike Dorian and I down, you were the first to assault Alexias. With his corrupted stave, he stabbed you in the chest...” Jaina shudders. “From your wound, grew the red lyrium and then y-you...” 

 

“If it is to graphic to remember, you needn’t discuss it.” He holds her face, gently, rubbing his thumb against her cheek. 

 

“Cullen.” Jaina speaks. 

 

“Yes?” He answers. 

 

“Promise me something?” She sighs, tears threatening her eyes. 

 

“Promise you what?” He continues, his gaze softening.

 

“Promise me that no matter what happens to me, during the breach closing or my fight with the elder one, you will not charge and do something stupid on my behalf.” Jaina pleads. “Please, I couldn’t bare it if something happened to you similar to that future.” 

 

“Maker, Jaina, I-“ Cullen breathes heavily. “It is my duty to protect you, to allow you to get into such a position would mean I had failed in my duty.” 

 

“Please..” She begs, taking his one hand in both of hers. 

 

“All right, I promise.” Cullen gives up. “I don’t know how I could simply just watch someone take you down, Jaina.” 

 

“Those things happen quickly without time to plan.” She begins. “I cannot lose you to such a fate. You deserve better than that.” 

 

“So do you.” Cullen reminds her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and his hand resting on her neck and shoulder. 

 

“I-“ 

 

In a flash, Cullen had pressed his lips to her forehead. The warmth of his lips against her cold skin made her heart soar. Jaina sat paralyzed by her own happiness and emotions. All she could manage to do is squeeze his hand in both of hers tighter. It felt almost as if he was making a silent vow to her, maybe it was. 

 

“ _Cullen_.” She breathed. 

 

Resting his forehead against hers, the pair closed their eyes and took a deep breath. “I will always protect you.” 

 

“And if I don’t need protection?” She smiles. 

 

“Then I will stand back and watch you be the strong and inspiring woman that you are.” He whispers as their noses brush. 


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! 
> 
> I am SO sorry for the late update, my husband and I are finally moving back home and it has been chaotic to say the least.

 

** Thirteen: **

 

 

Jaina couldn’t calm her heart, it was racing and she could feel the pure adrenaline rushing. For a moment, she thought Cullen was actually going to kiss her. As much as she was hoping he was going to, she would not expect or ask for more than the forehead kiss he had given her - though, she couldn’t deny the familiar feeling in her stomach when she was with him. 

 

“I hope that wasn’t too forward..” Cullen trailed off, putting distance between them. 

 

“Trust me, it wasn’t.” She replied, a small giggle escaping her lips causing him to look back at her. She was hoping he couldn’t hear the minor disappointment in her voice.

 

“What?” He questions, he wondered if she was mocking him. 

 

“It seems the young knight in you has not left.” Jaina chuckles, slowly rising to her feet. 

 

Cullen followed suit and rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke. “I-I’m sorry, it’s just- I just, I think it would have been wrong of me to impose such feelings onto you without reciprocation.” 

 

Jaina felt her chest warm at the statement. How badly she wanted to reciprocate his feelings, if she was sure that’s what he meant, but she had to figure things out in her head. To be torn between two of the most attractive, strong men in Thedas felt so trivial and it made her question her morals. Sighing, she tilted her head with a sad smile as she gently placed a hand on Cullen’s chest. “Not to worry, my dear Commander. I will have an answer for you after I close the breach.”

 

His eyes widened and he placed his hand over hers. “Jaina, I wasn’t asking for an answer right now or even at all. Maker, I know you’ve many things to consider and so much on your shoulders. I cannot afford to be selfish.” 

 

Looking up into his eyes, she saw his genuine concern for her. He had been good at helping her when she needed it in the Circle, he was always so nice to talk to because he had such a different view on the world than most she knew. She looked down at her feet and bit her lip, then looked back up at him. The light of the moon peaking through the clouds made his eyes shimmer and it perfectly illuminated his chiseled features. Jaina could see the stubble growing on his face much easier now than usual and she could see the bags under his eyes, marks of how the success of the inquisition rides on him. She wanted to kiss the exhaustion from his face, to kiss the sadness away, and to feel him again - but she knew better and it made her heart ache. 

 

“Jaina? Is something the matter?” He calls out, breaking her from her thoughts. 

 

She shook her head and tried to smile. “Everything is fine, would you mind walking me back?” 

 

Cullen nodded and grabbed the two mugs from the ground. “I’m going to drop these mugs off to my tent first.” Jaina complied and walked beside him. They walked together in silence, taking in the smooth wind from the mountains and listening to the soft crunch of their shoes against the snow. The walk back to his tent was shorter than normal since there were no recruits to stop and talk to and no one out to accidentally bump into them because of rushing around. 

 

Once they had reached his tent, Jaina held open one of the flaps so he could get in without any trouble since he was putting the mugs away. “I’ll only be a moment, I’m going to wipe them clean and then store them away.” He says. She followed behind him and sat on the corner of his desk, examining the stacks of paperwork and the map that sat in the middle of it. A small candle was lit and by the looks of it had been for quite some time as the wax was dripping onto its catch. 

 

She turned her eyes over to Cullen who was wiping the mugs next to his cot. There was a trunk underneath that had been opened, she wondered if it was full of things from his youth. She admired him from afar. His back was broad and long, she could see his muscles moving as he cleaned. His hair was slowly becoming curlier as the night went on and it made her smile, a memory of how his hair resembled noodles when he was younger. It almost felt wrong to be looking at him the way she was, she wondered if it was inappropriate due to their positions. 

 

Jaina reverted her eyes back the map at the center of the desk and she ran her fingers over the names of the cities in Fereldan. Sighing, she tried not to remember the horrible future she endured when she fought Alexias. All she could remember was how these beautiful cities were turned to ash and the people in them to dust. It made her think of Alistair and Cullen, Cassandra and Dorian, what would happen to them if she failed. 

 

She must have gotten lost in her thoughts again because she was startled by the hand that rests on hers. 

 

“I can tell you’re not okay.” Cullen sighs, sitting next to her on the desk. “Talk to me.” 

 

He was looking at her with such concern, his brows furrowed and his eyes sparkling. Jaina looked down at their hands together and wished she could touch more than just his hand. “If I could explain it, I don’t even know where I would begin.” Jaina expresses. 

 

“Maybe you can start with little bits and I can help you try to piece them together?” He suggests, adamant that he help her. 

 

“Can I ask you something first?” She looks up at him. 

 

“Of course.” He answers. 

 

“How could you still be so kind to me after all that I’ve done? After all of the people I have killed? Are you not reminded of your hatred for mages like me whenever you look at me?” Jaina asks, looking back down at their hands unsure if she wants to see his face when he answers. 

 

It was silent for a few moments. 

 

“Why would you think that?” He tries to understand her turmoil. “Because of how I treated them in the past?” 

 

“I mean, how could you possibly feel the same towards me as you did when we were young? I’ve done awful things, Cullen, my hands are soaked with blood. We are such different people. Even now, I am an awful person! I can’t even listen to my heart and in the process I am sure I am hurting the both of you...” Jaina feels herself growing frustrated with her own emotions. 

 

He moves closer to her, reaching out. “Jaina, you’re not-“

 

“Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a horrible person!” She groans. “I’m quite literally stringing you guys along because I’m so fucking broken. How could you possibly feel anything for the person who slaughtered people you knew - Maker, who were possibly your friends?! You look at me with such soft eyes and such a beautiful smile like I’ve never done anything wrong and Andraste’s tits, Cullen! Just like that- you’re giving me that look and it fucking kills me!” She removes her hand from his and wipes at the corners of her eyes. “I was supposed to hate you for what you did and I was supposed to never see you again.” 

 

“Jaina, I-“ 

 

“I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’ve been living my life killing people and now I’m some martyr because of this stupid thing on my hand! Do you know how scary it is being emboldened as Andraste’s chosen? I’m so scared of my own thoughts and offeelings for you and I-“

 

In the blink of an eye, Cullen’s lips were on hers and his hands holding her face. His body was pressed against her as he stood between her legs, his lips hot. Jaina’s heart nearly came out of her chest at the realization, she felt a chill run up her spine. This is what she had been waiting for, wasn’t it? 

 

_Maker, this is so wrong but it’s so good._

 

She gripped the fabric of his shirt at his elbows and melted into the kiss. Cullen sighed against her lips and deepened it, moving one hand down to her waist. As their lips twisted against each other, Jaina used her legs to pull him closer to her at the edge of the desk. Cullen broke their kiss and rested his forehead against hers to take a breather before saying something. “A-are you sure this is okay? It’s been so long and I-“ 

 

Rolling her eyes with a smile, Jaina pulled his face back down to hers. “You said you can’t afford to be selfish? Please, be selfish for once and don’t stop.” She continued to kiss him, passionately and swiftly found her hands at the hem of his shirt. She opened her eyes to look at him to make sure it was okay to continue and he nodded eagerly. She made quick work of his shirt and nearly ripped it from his body as she slid it over his head. _“Maker, Cullen.”_ Jaina sighed as she ran her hands down the hard panes of his chest. She noted that he looked like a statue, so beautifully carved out of stone and it made her stomach hot. 

 

Cullen quickly reunited their lips and deepened the kiss with his tongue, his mouth slanting over hers and their breathing hot and heavy. He tore her jacket off of her shoulders and quickly unlaced the ties of her shirt- exposing her lace covered breasts. He gave his approval with a low groan against her neck as he kissed hot, open-mouthed kisses down it, taking one breast in his hand and caressing it. His other hand found its way underneath her leg, trailing up to her rear and squeezing the flesh covered by her breeches. Jaina rolled her head back as he kissed the bottom of her neck and to her collarbones. 

 

Jaina was so overwhelmed with emotion that she felt tears prickling at her eyes, so she held him close to her - afraid he would disappear and that this was a cruel dream. They had never dared to go further than this and she wanted to, she wanted to so badly and she had to tell him. If they finally broke that barrier, would things change and finally make sense to her? Would uniting herself with Cullen fully make her understand what she truly wants?

 

“Cullen I-“ 

 

“Commander, I must speak with you.” 

 

She began to speak but was interrupted by an all to familiar voice outside of Cullen’s tent. She went completely still in his embrace, Cullen rolled his eyes and growled against her chest. “Who is it?” He calls out.

 

“It’s Alistair, have you seen Jaina? She is not in her cabin and I can’t seem to find her.” Alistair answers. 

 

“I will be out in a moment, let me compose myself. Wait outside.” Cullen replies, angrily. Looking down at the woman in his arms, he groans before kissing her tenderly. He whispers, “Hurry and get dressed, make a dash for your cabin. I am sure he will be there soon.”

 

Jaina nods, completely beside herself as she begins to pull her jacket back on. She watches as he frustratingly pulls he shirt back over his head and makes his way outside. Waiting a few minutes, Jaina peaks out of the tent to see if everything is all clear before running back to her cabin. Once she is in and slams the door behind her, she slides down to the floor and wraps her arms around herself - completely taken with what just happened with Cullen. She couldn’t help the smile on her face.

 

 


	14. 14

** Fourteen: **

 

Jaina woke the next morning feeling renewed and all too familiar giddy bubbling in her stomach. Laying on her back and staring at the rafters of her cabin, she felt herself smiling ear to ear. She covered her face and giggled to herself, feeling completely over the moon after her actions with Cullen the night before. Jaina hadn’t felt like that in such a long time - the whole, trying not to get caught while doing something secret with Cullen feeling. It brought back so many fun and messy memories with the former Templar and it brought a blush to her cheeks. Of course, back then, their actions weren’t nearly as dirty as what she was sure they were thinking. Even if she and Cullen snuck away frequently to indulge in their desires, they never went as far as having sex. They were both virgins at that point in their lives and weren’t sure if taking that step was right for them then. 

 

She began to envision last night, how she had came back to her cabin and sat on her bed with a goofy smile on her face. Jaina had waited for Alistair to show up but he never did, instead, Cullen had. 

 

_~_

_A knock on her door startled her out of her thoughts. Absentmindedly, she opened the door expecting Alistair but was surprised to see her dashing Commander standing there. His hair was disheveled and he was slightly sweating, the ends of his hair wet. There was a look in his eyes that Jaina had never seen before but it lit her up like a flame._

_“Cullen what are you-“_

_Before she could even ask what he was doing at her doorstep, Cullen rushed inside and crashed his lips down onto hers. Slamming the door behind him, his arms were wrapped around her as he backed her towards her bed. He kissed her hard in between her breathless giggles, he caressed her body. Kicking off his boots, Cullen pulled Jaina’s shirt over her head only breaking the kiss for a moment. Immediately his lips were back on hers, playing and fighting, they found a rhythm that was only theirs. Jaina popped the buttons on his shirt, earning a growl against her lips when the buttons fell to the floor. She threw off his coat and then his shirt to the floor, her legs finally hitting the edge of the bed. Jaina pulled him down onto the bed with her as she laid on her back, by his face._

_Cullen crawled over her, hovering above her like an animal stalking its prey. His eyes were beautifully golden and his pupils were blown, his cheeks and chest flushed with red. Jaina had to stop for a moment to truly appreciate the God of a man above her, ravishing her. She ran her nails down his chest and to the waist of his breeches, hooking her fingers between his skin and the band. Looking up into his eyes, she asked him without saying a word and he unlaced them, kicking them off to the floor._

 

_“I couldn’t stay away from you, I-I had to find you.” He shudders at the feeling of her against him._

_”I’m glad you’re here.” She kisses his chin._

 

_Cullen’s hands roamed her hot skin, the paleness of her contrasting against her dark blue sheets. Her eyes shining in the light of the moon through her window, he noted that she looked utterly divine in this moment. He slowly pulled her pants off, kissing down her stomach and over her hips until they were completely off. He pulled himself back up to plant hot kisses against the crook of her neck and up to a spot behind her ear he remembered. She released a lengthy moan that spurred him on further, he couldn’t stop himself._

_“Jaina.” Cullen sighed against the shell of her ear._

_“Cullen.” Jaina replied, her whole body chilled to its core at his lustful voice. “Please, touch me. If you don’t, I think I’ll combust.”_

_Without any hesitation, she must’ve given the answer to his question, Cullen slipped his hand into her underwear and cupped her sex. Looking into her eyes, he searched them, “Can I-I?”_

_“Maker, yes.” She laughed, pulling him back to kiss her as his fingers find her sensitive pearl._

_Pleasuring her this way was like learning how to ride a horse, Cullen thought, you never forget how to do it. His fingers stroked her and with each pass at her bud, Jaina felt the air leaving her lungs. “Do you remember when it was late at night at the Circle?” He asks, his voice deep._

_“How could I ever forget?” She answered against his lips._

_Using her arousal, Cullen spread it around her lips and then dipped a finger into her - earning a soft mewl from his lover. “I have missed this. I have missed you.” He whispers in her mouth, deepening the kiss with his tongue._

_“Oh.” She sighs. “Me too.” Jaina finds her hand inside of his breeches and is surprised to find him not wearing small clothes, intensifying her feelings. Her hand was met with his hot length and she took it into her hand, pulling it free from its confines. Slowly, she began to rub her thumb against his head and then pumped it a few times, causing Cullen to shudder in her arms._

_The pair continued to kiss each other passionately, their hands making quick work of each other - stroking, caressing, pumping, and tipping each other over the edge._

_“Jaina, I want you but-“_

_“I know, me too, Cullen.” She agrees with his hesitation. “We’re not there yet.” She smiles._

_Nodding, Cullen hurries his ministrations on her swollen flower and Jaina picks up the pace as she flicks her wrist as she pumps him. Cullen kisses down her neck and into her collarbones, his fingers had set a dangerous pace and Jaina could feel stars dancing behind her eyes. Her back arched and the buildup in her lower stomach was undeniable. “Cullen, I’m going to-!” She cries out, twisting her grip harder and faster causing Cullen to cry out._

_With the pair crying out in pleasure in tandem, they found their ends, completely spent._

_Breathless, Cullen laid on her bare chest and Jaina wrapped her arms around him. She kisses his sweaty forehead and it earns her a small smile on his lips. “You are perfect, woman.” He sighs contently against her breasts._

_“What does this mean now?” She asks, curiously as he holds himself up on his elbows above her._

_“It is whatever you’d like it to be, my lady.” He smirks, kissing the back of her hand._

_“I don’t know what that is yet but, I-“_

_“I feel it, too.” Cullen lays on his back next to her and pulls her into his chest, into his warm and welcoming embrace._

_“Then?” She asks._

_“I’ll let you decide what is right when you have less on your mind.” Cullen replies, stroking her hair gently._

_“Thank you, Cullen.” Jaina says, stunned by his answer. “Will, will you stay?”_

_“I’ll stay until you fall asleep, love.” He starts. “Remember, there are other people here than us in Haven that have very big mouths.”_

_“You’re absolutely right.” She giggles, kissing his chest and then closing her eyes. For the first time in a year and a half, Jaina felt warm and calm._

_~_

 

 

Jaina sighed, thinking about how she lost her virginity to Alistair. It wasn’t something she’d ever regret since he was so gentle and caring when they coupled. She wouldn’t have changed anything about her first time and she was elated that it was Alistair. Even now, she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to stop herself if it was initiated. 

 

But for now, she couldn’t think about Alistair. 

 

Jaina rolled out of bed and started pulling on her clothing for the day. Once she sat down in front of her mirror, she wondered what she’d do with her hair now that she wanted to look presentable for Cullen. She went through many styles and after thirty agonizing minutes, she settled on leaving her hair down since she had curls from her braid overnight.She ran her fingers through the curls gently to remove any knots and she smiled, it was the first time she’d seen her curls with the silver hair. When it was brown, she had always taken it for granted. Her silver hair made her almost look sickly, less youthful and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it yet. Next, Jaina applied some rouge to her lips and cheeks and used some kohl for her eyes and then she was settled for the day. 

 

Jaina felt butterflies in her chest and anticipation rising from her stomach, she couldn’t wait to see Cullen. Hopefully, he’d be alone and she could pull him into her arms and kiss him. She felt compelled to look into his eyes once more and see the love she had seen last night, it kept her awake most of the night. She kept replaying the vision of him under the moonlight in her mind, how ethereal he looked. 

 

Making her way out of the large gate, she wandered around aimlessly. She was trying to avoid useless conversation with anyone in her way so she tried to look like she was doing something important. She didn’t see him training with the troops which was strange, at first light he was usually up running or sparring. Turning on her heel, Jaina tried the blacksmith to see if he was sharpening his sword and daggers but he was not there either. She turned herself around once more and decided to try his tent and according to Rylen, he had gotten up earlier than usual and went to the Chantry. 

 

To the Chantry she went, all smiles and a skip in her step. 

 

Jaina finally made it to the Chantry and stopped in front of the prayer room. A chill ran down her spine when she heard his husky voice praying on the other side. She didn’t want to disturb him so she waited until he was finished. She remembered that it had been a long time since she had prayed to the Maker but due to her circumstances she didn’t get much of a chance. Slowly, Jaina knocked on the door and pushed it open. Once it was opened, she found a very fuzzy and armor-less Commander on his knees still in what looked to be a silent prayer. 

 

“Cullen!” She softly and happily called out to him, stepping forward. 

 

Once he had finished praying, Jaina closed the door behind them. She watched as he slowly stood up from kneeling and adjusted his mantle on his shoulders. He cleared his throat and turned around, his expression unreadable. Somehow, the girlish, excited feeling she had all morning vanished almost immediately and was replaced with another uncomfortable chill down her back. 

 

_Something was wrong._

 

“Cullen, are you okay?” Jaina asks, waking to him and stopping a few inches away. 

 

Jaina stood in front of him, staring up into his eyes - suddenly reminded how much taller he was than Alistair so she had to crane her neck. Something in his eyes was sad, sorrowful almost and she couldn’t understand what had him so upset. His lack of response was troubling and she could feel a cold sweat break out on her neck, her hair standing on edge. She reached out to touch his face to pull him down for a kiss but was shocked when his large hand abruptly grasped her wrist to stop her. “Don’t.”

 

Eyes wide and shock clear on her face, Jaina shook her head in confusion and furrowed her brows. “I-I don’t understand.” His grip on her was tight and uncomfortable, almost uninviting. 

 

_“Herald.”_ He breathes, his brows lowering and his jaw tightening. Jaina was at a loss as to why he was using her title all of a sudden, it made her worrisome. 

 

“What is going on?” She asks. “Tell me.” 

 

“I am unsure of what to say or how to say it..” Cullen trails off, looking away from her almost shamefully. 

 

Jaina huffs and breaks from his grasp, taking the fur of his mantle in her fingers and presses herself against him. She could tell he was conflicted because his body reacted to her, reacted to whatever he was trying to suppress. She takes his face in her hand and turns his gaze back to her. She looks right into his eyes and squints trying to read him, unable to understand anything. “I cannot take this silence.” She begs him to talk to her. “I-I thought that after last night we were-“ 

 

“We are not.” He interrupts her, his voice louder than planned, startling her away from him. 

 

Jaina could hear her own heartbeat in her ears and she could feel heat on the base of her skull. Stepping back a few more inches from him, she examined the man before her. “We are not  _what_ , Cullen?” 

 

“What happened last night was...unprofessional.” He starts, rubbing the stubble on his chin. “After some reflection I, I have realized that we have overstepped boundaries that should have been drawn.” 

 

_Oh._

_Oh, Maker._

_I’m so stupid._

 

“I-I see.” She replies. “And the Maker told you so, did he?” She asks, angrily. 

 

“ **No**.” He answers immediately. “Maker, no, it’s just- I was....I was not in the right state of mind after the spiced cider we shared and-“ He stammers. 

 

Jaina felt like she had just been punched in the gut. “Are you kidding me?” 

 

Her choice of words seemed to silence his uncomfortable stutter. He stood straight to address her but he couldn’t hide what he was feeling on his face. “Herald, you know that-“ 

 

“You’re telling me, lemme get this right, that you were drunk when you and I-  Andraste give me strength .” She barely could speak. Jaina felt sick to her stomach, he had regretted everything that was said between them and everything they had done. She felt so stupid to believe that he could care for her after all this time. 

 

“I wasn’t drunk!” He quickly tries to defend himself. “I was inebriated yes, but, there is no amount of alcohol to hide the shame I am feeling.” 

 

Jaina scoffs, feeling hot tears behind her eyes. “The  _shame_ ?! You regret what happened that much, do you?” She laughs cynically, feeling the black over her heart she thought once gone, returning. 

 

“Oh, no, I just-“ He reaches out towards her with a step in her direction but she stepped back grabbing onto the door handle, swinging the door open. 

 

“No, no, I understand,  _**Commander** _ . This misunderstanding will not ever happen again.” Jaina sneers before leaving the prayer room, the door slamming loud and hard from her departure. 

 

“You’ve really done it this time, Rutherford.” Cullen says to himself, rubbing his face, standing dumbfounded. 

 

Meanwhile, Jaina could feel the pull of her magic in her fingertips. She knew every Templar in Haven could feel the static of her crackling as she stormed through the courtyards and passed the gate. Jaina was so caught up in her anger and hurt, she didn’t even realize Alistair had tried to get her attention leaving him completely unable to react. She began to run and she ran past the lake, past the logging stand, and past the druffalo herd.

 

Once she found an open space, she let out a long, agonizing scream. As she screamed, ice flew up in barriers around her and then it shattered into a million crystals around her. Dropping to her knees she felt herself dry heave, she wanted to throw up and forget everything that had happened between her and the Commander. Everything she believed good about him was gone in a millisecond as she felt the tears slip from her eyes. She felt fire burning her fingertips and burning around her in a circle. Looking up and around her, her fire encased her in a rune shape, the color of dark blues and purples melted the snow and burned the grass around her. 

 

“Herald!” A familiar, panicked voice, called out to her. 

 

Lifting her head up through her hair and tears, Jaina felt everything she had been trying to keep inside release like a dam. The flames surrounding her burned out and the ice at her feet melted as Cassandra ran to her side, taking her in her arms. There was no hiding from the Seeker, she has spent countless missions with her and has shared tents with her - they were becoming close and she could not lie to her. 

 

“I do not know what has happened but I promise you will be okay.” Cassandra tried to soothe her.

_I don’t think I will, Cass._


	15. 15

**Fifteen:**   


 

Jaina could barely pick herself back up off of the ground. Cassandra had a tight grip on her as she tried to pull her up, struggling as Jaina sobbed. “Just leave me here.” Jaina cries, her tears hot and melting the snow beneath her. “I do not understand. You were perfectly fine this morning, what has happened since then?” Cass asks, dumbfounded and unsure of how to handle her.

 

“I don’t want to do this anymore!” Jaina tries to break free from the Seeker’s tight grasp. 

 

“Do what?!” Cassandra raises her voice, trying to keep her hold on the woman in her arms. 

 

“I don’t want to _be_ the Herald of Andraste! I don’t want to hold thousands of lives in my hands!” She heaves, hiccuping and wiping her mouth. “Why must I sacrifice my happiness for something I never chose!?” 

 

Dropping to her knees beside her, Cassandra feels the weight of her words. There was no way to console her, she thought to herself. “Jaina.” She starts, trying to straighten her up. “I wish I had the right answers but I do not.” Taking both sides of Jaina’s face in her cold, gloved hands, Cassandra straightens her face to look at her. The Herald was a mess. Her eyes swollen and purpled, her nose red and irritated from being wiped, and her hair matted to the sides of her face from her tears. “Talk to me. I know I have not always been good at giving advice but you know I am a good listener.” 

 

Jaina took a moment to try to compose herself but all she could feel was the pain in her chest from crying so hard and from the cold. She didn’t know how to tell Cassandra that she nearly fucked the Commander the night before because she still loves him nor did she know how to tell her that she feels like a child. How can you tell someone who wants to help you that you no longer want to be helped? Pushing her hair from her face and eyes, Jaina takes a deep breath before speaking. “Am I not allowed to be happy, Cass?”

 

Tilting her head in confusion, Cassandra takes in her question and hesitates before speaking. “What kind of question is that? Of course you are.” 

 

Feeling a few more tears slip down her cheeks, Jaina wipes at them and winces at the raw skin. “I am so _tired_.”

 

Jaina could feel something changing, something was happening inside her that she could not describe. Whatever she was feeling, it was dark and it felt like it was crawling out from the darkest depths of her memory. 

 

“We are all tired, Herald.” Cassandra tries to sympathize with her. “These are troubling times..” 

 

Almost immediately, Jaina could feel a very dark part of her coming out. Why couldn’t she be just Jaina? Why does she have to be the Herald to every single person she knows!? “I am so sick of being the Herald!” Jaina tries to stand from her knees, nearly falling over in the process. A sickly green spark flashes from her left hand as she stands her ground. Thunder echoed throughout the sky, something was happening to her mark and it was reacting with her magic.

 

Cassandra stands, feeling Jaina’s energy changing rapidly and dangerously. “Trevely-“

 

“Do you _know_ the things I saw when I was fighting Alexius with Dorian?!” Jaina yells, her voice scratching painfully at her throat. Purple and blue sparks start to crackle at her fingertips again and a dark, aura started to steam from her skin. “I saw everyone, including you, _die_ for me! I saw what kind of future will befall us if I fail!! Do you even understand how stressful it is to know I cannot fail even once?!” 

 

Cassandra watched as the women she thought she knew completely shift in front of her, too much like a demon, she was afraid. She had never seen anything like this before and wasn’t sure if she should retreat for help. “Jaina, please, calm do-“

 

“ ** _No_**!” Jaina nearly screamed. She could feel herself spiraling out of control, this energy, this power - she hadn’t felt this since her magic manifested as a child. Slowly, she breathed, trying to center herself but she was caught up in how good it felt to feel this way again. 

 

“Please! Listen to me, my friend!” Cassandra pleads with the woman changing rapidly before her. She could only stand in horror as she watched the Herald’s body emitting a dangerous black flame and her eyes changing from the usual bright orbs to an awful black. Her tears no longer falling in clear droplets but releasing flames from the corners of her eyes. 

There was something so familiar about this power coming from her, it had been asleep for so many years it seems. If she wanted to, she couldn’t stop it from coming out.

“I can’t stop it, not anymore.” Jaina sighs. Looking down at her hands and looking around her to see the stunned expression on her friends face. She couldn’t stop it as a child and that’s why she was thrown into the Circle. It took two knight Commanders and a Knight Enchanter to silence her abilities and put them to sleep inside her. She couldn’t feel anything anymore except a splitting headache so, she closed her eyes and covered her ears. Everything was so loud, _too loud_. 

 

Jaina was so wrapped up in trying to get whatever was happening to her to stop that she didn’t notice that Cassandra had ran from her to get help from any Templar she could. Screaming out at the pain inside her, probably from the power laying dormant in her for nearly twenty years, she felt like her lungs were caving in. She couldn’t figure out how she triggered something so awful but she could only think it was because of Cullen. No, she corrected herself, everything she had been through lately had caused this. She wasn’t ready for what being the Herald meant and she tried to fall in love again, tried to juggle too much at once. Her body went straight passed getting sick or growing faint at the exhaustion and went straight to whatever this side of her was. She couldn’t remember what happened as a child that caused this to happen to her and she didn’t know if she wanted to. 

 

The sound of the snow crunching quickly tore her from her rapidly growing memories. She noticed that there were many feet running towards her which meant Cassandra thought she was possessed. 

 

That’s when she felt _him_. 

 

Cullen had Lyrium in his veins, she knew that feeling anywhere. Rolling her eyes and laughing cynically, mostly because she was hurt at her friends lack of faith, and turned towards the Templars, Cullen, and the Seeker. She could feel Solas and Leliana, too. Jaina laughed, knowing she must’ve been the sight to see. “You couldn’t just let me ride this out, could you, Seeker?” Jaina calls out.

 

“Maker, what has happened here?!” Leliana calls out to Cassandra. 

 

“Look what you have become! You have not been the same since Redcliffe.” Cass replies, trying her best not to do anything rash. 

 

“I put my trust in you!” Jaina raises her voice. “So you repay me in my weakest moment by getting every damn Lyrium junky in Haven?!” 

 

She wanted to hurt him, she wanted Cullen to feel what she was feeling right now. Jaina felt the same betrayal as she did in the Circle with him, she had nothing but pure hatred for him at this moment. “Herald, you must have taken a demon back with you! It is possible that Dorian missed it, it happens! Let us help you.” Cassandra begs.

 

“Are you afraid?” Jaina asks, conjuring black flames in her palms causing the recruits to gasp and back away. “You should be! This is who your Herald truly is.” 

 

“Herald, it is imperative that you try to calm yourself.” Solas tries to reason with her calmly. 

 

“Jaina.” Cullen calls out to her, taking a step towards her. He has no idea what has happened to her but he doesn’t want her to hurt herself like most possessed mages do, if he could just get close eno-

 

“Don’t.” She mimics his tone from earlier. “There is nothing you can do to fix me, _Knight-Captain_.” 

 

“I am not a Templar anymore, I thought we were past this!” He angrily replied. 

 

“So did I, but apparently our old habits die hard!” She feels another hot tear slide down her cheek. “You are unforgivable, I opened back up to you and actually thought you were different!” 

 

Taking another step forward, he reaches out for her. “I’m sorry, I truly am. I am the biggest idiot in Thedas but this- this is too much, Jaina! You have something horrible taking over you, we must stop it!” 

 

Jaina hisses at his ignorance and feels the anger building up even more at his jumping at the chance to smite her. “What’re you going to do, Commander? Silence me? Don’t you remember what happened when my father brought me to Kirkwall?!” 

 

Cassandra looks over at Cullen confused and angry, she begins to wonder if there was something he was keeping from everyone. She was beginning to put the pieces together one by one. 

 

“I will do what I have to, Trevelyan.” He stands firmly, hand on his sword. “You know this.”

 

Laughing out loud, Jaina wipes at her eyes once more. “ _Please_ , do what you need to, as if your poor recruits haven’t been trying to smite me since you’ve arrived!” Cullen and Cassandra exchange another look before looking behind them to see terrified recruits who have depleted their Lyrium vials. The looks in their eyes told the two everything they needed to know and even thought they didn’t want to, they knew Cullen would have to try.

 

“Go ahead. I can take it.” Jaina instigates Cullen’s apparent fear. 

 

“Commander, I highly advise against this!” Solas argues. 

 

Chugging down another vial of Lyrium, Cullen focuses on her and forces any and all of his power onto her. Jaina winces and is knocked down onto one leg as she tries to pick herself up and walk against the force pushing against her. “Two bottles of Lyrium, Cullen? Tsk. Tsk. I remember when you silenced a whole room of mages once, don’t you?” She eggs him on, chuckling angrily. “Remember when all your wretched, filthy brothers in the Order defiled my friends and called themselves heroes?! Ha! I slaughtered every single one of them, I know you remember!” 

 

“Dammit, Jaina!” Cullen angrily hisses, trying not to take her digs personally, if she is truly possessed, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. “Get yourself together!” 

 

Angrily, Jaina hurls a fireball at him only just missing him as he dodges it. Quickly, he spins on his heel and lunges towards her, he doesn’t want to hurt her - just get close enough to disarm her. Just as he gets close enough to try to silence her again, she slides from his grasp and fade-stepping to the side of him, a dark chuckle coming from her chest. 

 

“I can do this all day!” She laughs, angrily. 

 

“I prefer not to.” Cullen sighs, before pulling his sword from its sheath and stabbing it into the ground. He grumbles and coughs up some blood before looking back at her, his eyes changing from a warm honey to a bright blue from the Lyrium. 

 

Jaina quickly realizes what he’s about to do and it brings back horrible memories. She did not want to be defeated here, not by him again and not by what he was about to do. Reacting without thinking, she throws what looks like hundreds of ice daggers from her hands. Cullen only had so much time to try to maneuver around them but he was not quick enough, the last few daggers slicing his face, his ribs, and biceps causing him to drop to one knee in immense pain. 

 

“Jaina, you must try to ground yourself!” Solas exclaims, shocked by something he’s only seen a handful of times in his life. 

 

“I don’t want to have to go for another!” Cullen pleads with her. “Stop this madness!!” It pained him to see this side of her, he had only heard of it from the others but never thought he’d ever see it. “I do not want to hurt you, but if I have to-.” 

 

“You’ll do no such thing, Commander. Stand down!” A familiar voice rings out, shocking everyone including Jaina. 

 

Alistair had come into view, his sword in hand and shield in the other. He found his place between Cullen and Cassandra, pointing his sword at the tip of Cullen’s sweating chin. It was clear Cullen was not ready for this and it was exhausting him heavily. 

 

“Your Majesty!” Cassandra gasps. “You should not be here!” 

 

“I don’t know what you both think you’re doing, aimlessly throwing your fired up Chantry rhetoric at her.” Alistair hisses, venom in his tone as he slowly moves between Cullen and Jaina. “I have been listening long enough and I think I’ve pieced together what I’ve been missing. As angry as I am, I am not going to turn my back on her, like all of you! For even one moment did you actually try to see if she was possessed?! Anyone with a damn brain in their skulls could see that she isn’t.” 

 

The flames in Jaina’s hands ceased and Jaina looked at Alistair incredulously. He looked like a knight, his armor tight to his body and the Fereldan insignia shining bright on his back. His sword sparkles under the light of the sun reflecting off of the snow, the sword she gifted him for their engagement. The sight made her chest tighten and she clutched at her heart over her clothes. He was defending her even though he’s just learned of her betrayal. 

 

“Alistair, you cannot let your personal feelings cloud your judgement!” Cullen argues. “Something is very wrong here.” 

 

“ _How dare you, you washed up Chantry dog!_ ” Jaina seethes, taking a step towards him, her hands balled into fists. She was about to strike but Alistair turned his eyes to her and it made her stop in her tracks. He turned his disapproving gaze back to Cullen and spoke. 

 

“I don’t know what happened between you two, but I know damn well it’s _never_ going to happen again.” Alistair orders. “That is a direct order from your King.” 

 

“King Alistair, she is unstable you must back away.” Solas tries to warn. 

 

Cullen felt a chill run down his spine at Alistair’s sudden change in demeanor. It was like the King was a totally different person. Alistair looks at Solas with a determined look in his eyes and speaks,“I swore that I would protect my people and I swore on my life that I would protect Jaina at all costs. So, Commander, if you’d like to go any further - you will have to go through me.” 

 

Jaina and Cullen’s eyes widened in tandem, stunned by his words and sudden bravery. “Alistair.” Jaina stood slowly, her knees wobbling and the tears disguised as flames extinguishing. She slowly walked towards him and reached out before falling to her knees again.

 

“Jaina!” Cullen and Alistair yelled out, Cullen attempting to race towards her but immediately being stopped by Cassandra. He watched as Alistair runs to her side. 

 

“Maker, what is happening?” Cassandra gasps.

 

Alistair wrapped his arms around Jaina tightly, holding her body close to him and her hair tucked into his chest. “It’s okay.” He tries to soothe her. Jaina mumbles something under her breath before the sickly green and dark colors fade from her skin and from around her. Cullen felt the cold pain in his chest as he watched the King hold her close. He wanted to be the only one to hold her, he wanted to bring her the comfort he was clearly giving her. He let his fears take ahold of his mind and before he could apologize to her and beg for forgiveness, she had turned into something completely unrecognizable. He could feel her aura all the way across Haven, everyone could. She put fear into everyone’s heart this day.

 

“Jaina!” She heard voices call out to her but she couldn’t understand what was happening to her as everything was spinning and turned to black. 

 

******

 

Jaina felt hot, _too hot_. 

 

She felt like she had gone into shock or like she had blacked out, like she had fallen out of the fade again. Immediately her eyes shot open and she sprang up from her bed, her hair and cloth on her forehead flying everywhere. 

 

“Miss Trevelyan.” Solas welcomes her from across the room. 

 

Frantically she searched around the room, unsure of where she is. Jaina felt a chill and then looked down only to freak out and pull the blanket back around her. She was completely naked under her blanket and she just gave Solas a free show. “I-I” 

 

“It is nothing I have not seen before, your female anatomy does not bother me.” He reassures her. 

 

Feeling a cold chill run down her spine, she looks around the room again. “Where am I?” She asks, nervously. “I don’t- Did I close the rift at the Temple?” 

 

Solas’s eyes widen for a moment before he takes a deep breath, closing the book in his hands. “You’ve no memory of today?” 

 

“I...I remember going to see the Commander but...” Jaina sighs, sadly at her memory of what Cullen said to her. 

 

“Incredible.” He breathes, scratching at his chin. “Here, I’m sure you’d be more comfortable with this.” 

 

Pulling her hair to the side, she feels the dried sweat at the tips of it. She takes the soft wrap around robe in his hands and wraps it around her, tying a bow beneath her breasts. “Solas...I-“

 

The door to the room they were in abruptly swung open, revealing a very worried King. Alistair sighed and ran to Jaina’s side, kneeling beside her bed and taking her into his arms. “Thank the Maker, you’re alright.” 

 

“Was the Rift that big?” She questions. “Why is everyone doting on me?” Alistair slowly pulls away and looks at her strangely before looking at Solas and then back at her. “You don’t-“

 

“Your Majesty, it seems she does not remember today’s events.” Solas interrupts. “It would be best to explain things slowly, she’s just woken up.” 

 

“Maker.” Alistair sighs, slowly sitting up to sit on her bed beside her. His hands still holding both of hers, one reaching up to caress the side of her face that was still swollen from her crying and battle. Jaina begins to feel her heart hammer behind her chest and her pulse quicken. Something wasn’t right and there was something they weren’t telling her. “D-did I fail?” She begins to panic, pulling the sheets from her lower half, ready to hop out of the bed. “Please tell me I didn’t just kill thousands of people!”

 

“No! No!” Alistair sits her back onto the bed. “You didn’t even go to the Temple today, you were supposed to but didn’t make it there... You uh, got a bit sidetracked.” 

 

Jaina looks over at Solas and he nods slowly, almost reassuring her to keep listening. “I’m confused, why am I like this then?” 

 

“Jaina.” Alistair says her name seriously. 

 

“What, Ali?” She begins to panic more, her hands getting clammy. 

 

“Do you remember when your magic first appeared? How you felt and what you did?” He questions, looking into her eyes. 

 

Horrible memories flashed behind her eyes and it made her shudder. “Unfortunately, I cant ever forget.” 

 

“It happened again.” He slowly tries to tell her. 

 

Jaina felt her heart stop, she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. Tears began to fall from her eyes and she began to hyperventilate. “Nonononono, no! Ali, _please_ tell me I didn’t hurt anyone!” She grabs ahold of his biceps, tightly. 

 

His lack of an answer scared her beyond comprehension. “Solas?!” 

 

“The person you’ve hurt the most today is yourself. You have exhausted your body beyond anything these healers have ever seen, luckily, I have experience with it.” Solas begins, slowly walking over and sitting on a stool beside her and the King. “Although, you may need to apologize to our Commander.” 

 

“W-what have I done...?” Jaina cried, looking at Alistair. 

 

“You mayyyy have kind of sliced him up a bit.” He tries to minimize the injury to avoid her freaking out more. “And said some very hurtful things.” 

 

Jaina felt at a loss for words, she couldn’t remember a damn thing and now she’s being told she’s hurt Cullen physically. How did she get so low? She frantically searched her memories for something, anything, but couldn’t get any memories - like they’ve been taken from her again. 

 

“If you would like to remember Lethallin, I will help you.” Solas suggests. 

 

“Please, I cannot take this amnesia.” She breathes heavily, scared of what she might remember. 

 

Solas stands before her and conjures up a blue/green magic, it sways in tendrils around his fingers as he closes his eyes. He reaches up to place his hands on the sides of her head, then whispers something in elven she doesn’t understand at all. 

 

_Then it hits her all at once._

 

“Maker, forgive me.” She chokes out a sob. 


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Two days straight of updates?? Damn, where did this motivation come from! Hopefully it stays this way, I am so sorry for not updating regularly. Life has been well, life. 
> 
> I love you guys and thank you all for all the support. <3

> ** 16  **
> 
>  
> 
> “I will leave you two to talk.” Solas half whispers, trying to be mindful of the situation. Alistair mouthed “thank you” and silently nodded as he watched the elf depart. 
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair held Jaina tight in his embrace, she was shaking like a leaf and no matter how tight he held her to him - it didn’t seem to help one bit. What surprised him, no, unsettled him is that she isn’t crying or doing anything for that matter. Usually, Jaina is a very emotional woman when left to her own devices. Alistair knew she was the suffer in silence type, she never complains or shows her sadness in public. Jaina is silent, unmoving and emotionless. She slowly pulled from Alistair’s hold and looked around the room, then looked down at her hands. She sighs heavily before clenching them so hard her nails break the skin to draw blood - she barely winces.
> 
>  
> 
> “Maker, Jaina, please don’t do that!” Alistair scolds her, taking her hands in his and wiping the blood on his pants. He then gently squeezes her hands in his, bringing them up to his lips to kiss the backs of them tenderly. “You’re never this silent.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Jaina looks out the window of the infirmary and then back to him, sighing once more. She can read him like her favorite book, it was clear how worried he is. “What is there to talk about?” 
> 
>  
> 
> “We can start by talking about how you’re feeling?” He suggests. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you’re a mess, love.” 
> 
>  
> 
> A small chuckle escapes her lips before rolling her eyes. “As subtle as ever, your majesty.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “Jaina...” Alistair trails off. 
> 
>  
> 
> “You are a King are you not?” She questions. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I am but that is _not_ what we are discussing here.” He tries to keep her on track. “What happened out there?” 
> 
>  
> 
> Looking down at their joined hands, Jaina slowly releases his hands from hers and places them in her lap. “Too much.” She winces, trying not to remember the pain and the evil she felt. “I...I don’t even, I thought ‘she’ was gone.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Sighing, Alistair rubs his thighs with his hands frustratingly. “Jaina.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “Mm?” Jaina barely replies, unable to process any of what happened. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I heard everything.” Alistair starts. “I kind of figured you were hiding something from me, I mean, you had good reason to but uh, doesn’t make it any less painful.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Jaina felt her chest grow cold. Her hands began to sweat and she could feel prickly heat on the back of her neck from the pressure. The look on his face was the same as the day they were getting married when she told him she was leaving. How could she tell him how she felt when she didn’t even know herself? “I can see the wheels turning inside your head, please, don’t try to find an excuse - I have to accept that you moved on..” Alistair bites his lip and looks out the window, watching the snow fall.
> 
>  
> 
> “A-Alistair.” She calls out. 
> 
>  
> 
> “You don’t even deny it. Haha.” He laughs, painfully as he stands from the bed to grab his coat on the bed stand. 
> 
>  
> 
> _No._
> 
>  
> 
> _He’s going to leave._
> 
>  
> 
> _I haven’t even told him how I feel!_
> 
>  
> 
> _I can’t let him leave._
> 
>  
> 
> “Wait!” Jaina begs, throwing the blankets off her legs as he starts to walk to the door angrily. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Don’t waste your breath, I can only take so much hurt, Jaina. I can see now that coming here was a mistake.” He huffs, reaching for the handle of the door and swinging the door open. 
> 
>  
> 
> “No!” Jaina cries, reaching out for him as she throws herself out of the bed. She uses her magic to throw the door shut before he manages to make it out. Before Alistair could protest, Jaina had fallen to the ground face first. Crying out, Jaina calls out his name in pain, remaining on the floor because she can’t get up. Using her magic right after her major incident caused her mana to completely deplete. “Please don’t go.” She sobbed on the floor.
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair quickly turned around and kneeled down to help her up. She was in an even worse state than he had seen her when they first met, mentally more than physically. His heart broke because of her and for her, his brain and heart were conflicted. “Jaina..” He slowly helps her on to her feet, her hands tightly gripping his forearms. 
> 
>  
> 
> “ _Please_.” She chokes out. Her whole body was trembling and she could barely feel her legs. 
> 
>  
> 
> Slowly, he walks her to the bed and sits her against the headboard. Alistair knew he was going to love this woman for the rest of his Maker forsaken life whether he liked it or not, he couldn’t just leave her there. He pulls the covers over her legs and up to her waist, sitting at the end of the bed. “I’m so sorry, Ali.” She wipes her eyes, groaning at the sharp pain from her sleeve against the raw skin. “I can’t make sense of anything a-and I can’t k-keep my thoughts from eating me alive these days and I’m just so sorry, please don’t go, I don’t know what I’m going to do if you-you leave me here.”
> 
>  
> 
> “You know I could never leave you.” Alistair admits, irritated that his heart wins every argument with his head. “Just please, help me make sense of this.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “I don’t even know where to begin.” She sighs. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Let’s start with you and Cullen.” He says, the two names together feeling like poison on his tongue. Jaina’s eyes shot open wide at the demand. How could she even explain that to him? What would she even say?
> 
>  
> 
> “I...” She breathes, using her hands to tuck her hair behind her ears. “I don’t know what Cullen and I are. I vowed to hate him forever and now.. Now I think he hates me. He went out of his way to take nearly three bottles of Lyrium to silence my possible possession... I-I feel betrayed.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “Okay. Well. Uh, not to take his side or anything buuuuut, to the naked eye you looked like a demon possessed you because you didn’t tell a damn soul of this side of you!” Alistair reminds her. “He was doing what he needed to to protect the people of Haven and you, as much as I hate to say it.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “I understand that, which is why I’m trying not to feel so hurt. But, he just looked so..hellbent on taking me down even before I started spewing insults left and right. Like he was just waiting for me to fuck up...” She feels a shiver run down her spine at the admission. 
> 
>  
> 
> “He may have left the Order and renounced his old life but he’s a Templar through and through.” He explains carefully. “That may never go away.” Jaina bit her lip at his statement, what if Cullen never changes fully? How could she feel this way for someone who would always be ready to kill her?
> 
>  
> 
> “I don’t think that makes me feel any better.” She admits with a sad smile. 
> 
>  
> 
> “It wasn’t supposed to, Jaina.” Alistair says seriously, looking right into her eyes. “Especially right now, he’s going to be dangerous as he re-withdraws from Lyrium.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “You knew?!” She asks, shocked. 
> 
>  
> 
> “It’s not hard to tell, I’m just sure no one else wants to ask him about it.” He scratches the back of his head. 
> 
>  
> 
> A few moments pass as the pair sits in silence, only their breathing can be heard in the small cabin. “Do you...do you love him?” Alistair half-whispers.
> 
>  
> 
> Searching Alistair’s face, Jaina can see how he doesn’t want to really know her answer. She can see the pain in his eyes and the frustration in his brows, she could tell by the way he picked at his nails that he’s nervous. The way he was sitting made it clear that he was trying to keep a distance in case something happened, he is scared. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m not liking the silence.” He says, his words shaky. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m sorry, I am trying to figure it out myself really.” Jaina confesses. 
> 
>  
> 
> “What?” He asks, confused. “After what I heard and saw, I thought you-“
> 
>  
> 
> “I am really hurt, yes.” She answers straightforwardly. “I feel strongly for him, yes. But, a piece of me wonders if delving deeper with those feelings for him will get me killed.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “ _Oh_.” He says, stunned. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Do you want me to tell you what I do know?” She asks, taking the covers off of her lap and sitting on her knees. 
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair nods. 
> 
>  
> 
> “What I feel for Cullen might be love and I don’t think he wants anything to do with me anymore after what I’ve done. He took care of me when I came here despite our differences, despite the fact that he and I have a bloody past.” Jaina explains. “But, I’m going to be really selfish about what I’m about to say. Would you like me to continue?” 
> 
>  
> 
> “I-I guess?” He looks down at his hands on his lap. 
> 
>  
> 
> Crawling over to him and sitting in front of him, Jaina reaches up to hold his face in her hand, pulling him back up to look at her. “I told him that I didn’t know where things would go, he knows that I still hold you in my heart.” She continues. His expression changed from despair to a little hopeful, she could see the sparkle in his eye come back if only for a moment or two. “You gave me this strength, a home when I was being hunted by the Order, and a life. You gave me a chance when the world had given up on me, Ali...” She tries to hold back tears, the heat of them pricking behind her eyes. She could see his eyes starting to well up, too.
> 
>  
> 
> “But you _still_ chose _him_.” He tries to say, his voice cracking over the word still. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I have chosen no one.” Jaina explains, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. “I felt like utter shit because it felt like I was leading the both of you on. I could never fully commit to him because I..” 
> 
>  
> 
> “Because you what?” He questions. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Because I still love you.” Jaina almost cries, catching it in her throat. “I love you so much and I am starting to love him, too and I can’t choose! Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” She chuckles cynically. “I know I can’t have my cake and eat it, too, but I- This is so hard because you have every right to walk out of this door and tell me I’m crazy for how I feel but you could also tell me that it’s okay... That you would still love me even though my heart wants you both.”
> 
>  
> 
> He was unreadable in this moment and she knew she was screwed. He’s going to walk away and never speak to her again, she just knows it. “I-I know it’s a lot and it’s probably too much to ask... But I thought you deserved to know. I- ** _Ugh_** , Ali, I’m so sorry... You can leave me if you want. I would never want to make you uncomfortable or make you take part in something you don’t want to be a part of... I just, the selfish part of me wants you to stay.” Jaina feels the tears slip from her eyes and down her cheeks.
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair reaches up and gently grips the hand holding his face. He furrows his brows and looks into her eyes, trying to understand her pain. He is looking into her, she felt like he is staring into her very soul. Using his other hand, Alistair reaches out and pulls her into his chest, her face in the crook of his neck as they sit. 
> 
>  
> 
> _This is it._
> 
>  
> 
> _He’s going to tell me he can’t do it and leave me._
> 
>  
> 
> Jaina wraps her arms around his torso and starts to sob into his shirt, her body shaking violently. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you!” She grips his shirt tightly, wrapping her legs around his waist. Alistair holds her close, tears dropping off his eyelashes and onto her hair. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore. I can’t hold you back from the life you deserve.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Pushing her hair from her shoulder, Alistair rests his forehead against her. Sighing and taking a deep, shaky breath, he speaks. “What you’re asking is...It’s a lot to swallow.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Jaina nods in agreement. 
> 
>  
> 
> “But I-“
> 
>  
> 
> “But!” Jaina whips her head away from him, her heart filling with sudden hope. 
> 
>  
> 
> “But I love you, Jaina Trevelyan. ‘The life I deserve?’ I don’t know what you mean by that, I am a bastard King and a washed up Grey Warden. If I deserved something more, I would not have met the bravest, strongest, woman I know and I would not have almost married her.” Alistair starts, a half-smile on his lips. He cups her face in his hands and wipes her tears with his thumbs. “The life I deserve is with you.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Jaina felt her nerves set aflame and her heart race. “The life I deserve is the one we planned out, laying under the stars in Denerim the night I proposed to you.” Alistair says, bringing back happy memories for her. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Ali, what are you saying??” She breathes heavily. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I know this is going to sound _incredibly_ stupid and naive but... If I could even hold just a small piece of your heart, I am willing to share. We have not gone through all of this for nothing, have we?” He asks, his hands slightly trembling. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Of course not!” Jaina protests. “I am alive today because of you... But please don’t think that my heart does not belong to you, because it does, Ali. I have not even begun to start loving him the way I love you, it’s not possible yet.” 
> 
>  
> 
> For a moment, it looked as if Alistair was trying to process her words and emotions. She was so passionate and that was one of the things he loved so much about her. Biting his lip again and taking a deep breath, Alistair speaks. “I thought I was going to lose you today. You always talked about this ‘evil side’ but I have never seen it and well, it’s fucking terrifying.” He laughs, trying to hide the fear. 
> 
>  
> 
> “If it wasn’t for you, I probably would’ve killed everyone on that mountain if Cullen had come after me.” Jaina shudders at the horrible possibility. “Once again, you saved my life... How could I ever repay you?” 
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair thought for a moment to himself before closing the distance between them by kissing her hard. At first, Jaina was shocked but melded into him. Wrapping her arms around his neck and his around her waist and one hand in her hair, Jaina opened her mouth to let his tongue in. To feel him after almost losing herself, grounded her in a way she didn’t think anyone else could ever do. 
> 
>  
> 
> Their lips danced and played, Alistair playfully nipped her lower lip before going off course and kissing across her cheek and down her neck. He pulled her back into his lap, gripping her thighs sensually as he kisses her collarbone. His ministrations earned a throaty groan from Jaina which only spurred him on more. Pulling away from her neck, Alistair attacked her lips, untying her sweater and pulling it off of her in one swoop. Jaina felt like her body was on fire after being cold for so long, she felt like she could barely breathe. Jaina ground her hips against his, releasing a growl from his chest. She quickly untied Alistair’s strings on his shirt, pulling it over his head. She stops to admire his broad chest and his softening stomach, running her fingers lightly over the scars that litter his chest. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Ali..” She sighs, wonton. 
> 
>  
> 
> “It’s been so long.” He reminds her. His eyes dark from blown pupils due to the heat rising between them. “I’ve missed you.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “Too long.” She replies, swiveling her hips just so. Alistair gives her a dangerous look, a look she had no idea she needed so much until this moment. “I need you to ground me, bring me back to reality.” 
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair runs his fingers up her sides, then slowly underneath her breasts. Jaina watches intently, knowing how much he loved her chest. He leans over to kiss her once more as his fingers find her nipples, tweaking them gently, gauging her pleasure. She is pliant to his touch, reaching for the ties of his breeches and slipping her hand down the front of him, moaning in unison with him as she finds what she wants. Alistair takes each plump breast in both hands, caressing them and running his thumbs over her stiffened peaks. 
> 
>  
> 
> The pair found themselves battling one another during their kiss, both tongues fighting to take control as Jaina continues to stroke him through his pants. Her thumb circling the head, spreading the already forming bead of excitement all around the tip. Ali groaned against her lips, biting her bottom one then suckling on it to relieve whatever pain there might’ve been. “Jaina, I-l”
> 
>  
> 
> “Take me.” She commands. “Right here, right now, please.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “I’ve not got any protection, my love, a-are you certain?” He cautions. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I’ve been taking what I need to avoid any future problems, so yes, I am beyond certain.” She smiles against his lips, kissing him passionately whilst trying to pull his pants down slightly. _“Please, my King.”_  
> 
>  
> 
> “You are my undoing, woman.” He growls, pulling himself out of his breeches and stroking his shaft a few times before pulling her on top of him. The sudden rush of adrenaline made her dizzy as she slowly slid down his length. He was wider than she remembered but she hadn’t known a man since their last time together. Jaina gasped once she was fully seated and Alistair dropped his head onto her shoulder. He began to buck his hips up into her and she ground down on him, giving back what she was taking. “Ali.” Jaina sighed against the shell of his ear, making him shiver. “You feel so good, you’re so deep.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “Jaina, I- I don’t know how long I’m going to last.” He groans, frustrated at his lack of endurance at the moment. “You feel... _incredible_.” 
> 
>  
> 
> “We have all night.” She giggles, kissing his earlobe and down his neck as she continues to ride him feverishly. Alistair picked up the pace and began to thrust harder, hitting the spot that made her cry out his name. “More!” She practically sobs against his lips. Alistair wraps his arms around her back and grips her shoulders from behind, pulling her down to meet his thrusts. The sound of her ass hitting his thighs made him shudder with pleasure, the sound of her crying out his name made him close.
> 
>  
> 
> “I love you, I love you Jaina.” He breathes heavily in between kisses. 
> 
>  
> 
> “And I, you.” She replies, lacing her fingers in his hair and tugging slightly. “Ali, I-“ 
> 
>  
> 
> Alistair knew what his cue was and the familiar flutter of her tight heat around him only made him strengthen his resolve. Angling his hips further up, he thrusts harder into her and speeds up to chase her orgasm that’s been dancing behind her eyelids. _“J-Jaina..”_
> 
>  
> 
> Jaina felt like her body was on fire, she could see stars as he made love to her. They had never done it like this and she never knew why, something was different, something good. Alistair began slamming into her and she could feel pricks of electricity dancing over skin before she completely came undone, crying out his name loud and clear for all of Haven to hear. Within a few thrusts, her climax sent Alistair right into his. He found her lips and kissed hard hard as he empties himself inside her, thrusting as deep as he could. 
> 
>  
> 
> “I love you more than anything.” He breathes against her chest. 
> 
>  
> 
> Laying her head over his and playing with the small hairs against his neck, she smiles and says, “I love you more.” 


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> We are staring to get into the nitty gritty of everything within the next few chapters. There’s going to be a lot happening and we are going to find out a lot about Jaina’s past! 
> 
> Thank you all for the awesome comments, they keep me on my toes and make me so excited to keep writing. 
> 
> Much love <3

** Seventeen:  **

 

 

Jaina woke the next morning strewn across another body. Slowly, she sat up on her elbow to examine Alistair as the memories of the night before came flooding back. She reached her free hand over to graze her fingertips over the stubble that was forming over his cheeks and chin, the foreign feeling made her giggle. His red hair sparkles underneath the sunlight coming in through the window. She watched as his eyelashes fluttered as he slept, she wondered if he was dreaming - and if so, what he was dreaming about. 

 

With a yawn and a small smile, Alistair turned his head over and slowly opened his eyes to look at Jaina. She felt so happy, he looked so happy waking up next to her. She looked down at him, into his eyes and felt her chest swell with warmth. “Good morning, love.” Alistair says, his voice husky and exhausted. Leaning down, Jaina planted a soft kiss on her lovers lips. “Good morning, Ali.” 

 

Alistair rolled onto his side and opened his arms to invite her into his embrace. It brought back memories of their many mornings together in the castle, her heart fluttered. Jaina sighed contently and wrapped herself into his chest and strong arms. His warmth enveloped her cold body as she pulled her arms up in between them. Jaina played with the small hairs that crossed his chest, deep in thought. Alistair watched her below him and took her in. He knew their future would be difficult due to her new preference but he didn’t have any reservations about what he said the night before. “You look frustrated.” He calls out to her, moving the small strands of hair from her face. 

 

Jaina looks up at Alistair and smiles at his touch on her face. “I am a little but that’s only because I feel like this mark is throwing me and my magic off balance. Since I’ve fallen out of that Maker forsaken rift, so much has happened and I... I just don’t want to have another incident like yesterday.” 

 

Alistair takes in her words and tries to understand her point of view. “Well, it seems you are in the right place if it ever happens again.” He says, takes a breath and then continues. “Solas seems to be pretty knowledgeable about what is going on inside that brain of yours.” 

 

“You think so?” She asks. 

 

“Since you fainted in my arms yesterday, he spent the rest of the night watching over you and researching in the fade to get more help before I came back with food. He’s a respectable man, if I say so myself.” Alistair admits. 

 

“I should thank him but how do I thank the person who made sure I didn’t die twice now?” Jaina sighs. “I feel like nothing I give him would be enough, not that I think that he wants anything from me but because it’s my _life_ we’re talking about.” 

 

“Well, how about we get dressed and have some breakfast. Then we can figure something out together?” He asks, slowly pulling the blankets off of them. 

 

“Nooooo! I’m so cold, I wanna stay in bed forever.” She protests with a laugh, trying to pull the blankets back up. “Come back to bed and snuggle.” 

 

“Now, now, as much as I would love to you have appearances to keep up and many apologies to make today!” Alistair laughs along with her, tickling her sides to make her let go of the blanket. The pair seemed to lose themselves in their laughter and games, both joyous smiles on both of their faces after so much chaos. For a moment, Jaina felt like for the first time in many months, that she was back to normal. Even after yesterday, she knew her body was coming down from what seemed like a fever dream. She was starting to come to terms with her new feelings and having Alistair accept them made her feel better. 

 

A loud knock on the door broke them out of their carefree actions. Both staring at each other, Jaina raises an eyebrow in confusion. Turning towards the door, Alistair speaks. “Who is it?” 

 

_“It’s me, Mary.”_

 

Snapping their heads to look at each other once more, Jaina has a surprised expression on her face. It has been so long since she had seen Mary and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to. Alistair so openly accepted the changes she had faced since arriving at Haven, would Mary be able to look at her the same? Jaina nodded at Alistair to allow her to come in, Alistair was halfway dressed anyway. He opened the door to invite her in and Jaina had wrapped her sweater back around her to feel decent. She watched as the woman walked into the small infirmary, her head held high as she pulled her cowl down. Her bright blue eyes gazed into Jaina’s, sending a shiver down her spine - her eyes always had that effect on her. Looking at Mary brought back so many memories, it made Jaina’s heart ache. She felt like she was staring at a ghost, they were best friends once but Mary had chosen to stay with Alistair when Jaina was called by the Divine.

 

“Mary.” Jaina breathes, standing up from the bed. She could feel tears prickling behind her eyes as she drew closer to the rogue. 

 

“Jaina.” Mary half-whispered, her voice crackling. 

 

After a moment of staring at one another, Mary was the first one to break by reaching out to her. Jaina wrapped her arms around her, pulling Mary into her. Mary wrapped her arms around Jaina’s waist as she is a few inches shorter. The two stayed like that for a moment, a tight hug after not seeing each other in so long. It warmed Alistair’s heart to see them reunited, especially because they spent a lot of time together when she was living in the castle. After holding each other for a moment or two more, Mary was the first to pull away. Jaina always believe that if you were hugging someone who truly needed the hug, you should never be the first to pull away. That belief started after she and Annie spent time with the children in Kirkwall, many of them were orphaned.

 

“How have you been, my friend?” Jaina asks, smiling wide. 

 

“I am better now that I am seeing you up close.” Mary admits. “I was especially good when I found you after thinking you had perished at the Conclave.” 

 

Jaina looked at Alistair surprised and then back at Mary. “You went looking for me?” 

 

“I was worried, you had not corresponded with me in a few weeks and Alistair was burying himself with work after you left so... So when I heard of the destruction at the Conclave, I feared the worst and thought you had died since there was no trace of you.” Mary confesses. 

 

“I see. I was taken prisoner for some time after then, the people held me responsible for the Divine’s death, some still do. Of course, when I fell out of the rift, I was unconscious for a few days.” Jaina tries to give them some insight. 

 

“I apologize that Alistair and I had not come sooner. We thought you dead so we were trying to make the necessary preparations and were unsure if we should contact your family.” Mary says, shifting her weight from one leg to another. “If I had known you were alive, I’m sure Alistair would’ve been here a lot sooner than he was.” 

 

Jaina felt her stomach tighten with a sudden realization. “Maker, I’ve been a fool.” 

 

“About what?” Alistair asks, placing his hand on the small of her back. 

 

“The first few days that you were here... I was so _angry_ with you for showing up in such a fashion, I thought you were putting on a show.” Jaina feels her hands shake. “In reality, you had not come for me because you thought I was dead! I had actually convinced myself that you would not see me out of spite...” 

 

“I guess if I put myself in your shoes, I could see why you thought that.” Alistair chuckles nervously. He began to rub circles on her back to comfort her, “But you must know that if I had known... Jaina I would’ve been here the moment you woke up after falling out of that rift. I’m sorry that I wasn’t.” 

 

Dumbfounded, Jaina turned to her lover whose expression was saddened. “Do not apologize, I was the one that left, remember?” She ran her hands softly across his chest. “I was the one that left and I should be the one asking for forgiveness.” 

 

Alistair took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles. “I forgive you but I was a royal asshole, too and I deserved it. I expected you to stay after all that you had done. I was an idiot to think that you would not act for your Faith, especially when that was all you had before you met me.” 

 

“You’ve done so much for these people here, Jaina.” Mary adds in. “You’ve been to the Hinterlands, you’ve been to Val Royeaux to help the remaining Chantry clerics, and you’ve recently returned from the Fallow Mire after saving soldiers. Even though you feel that your work is not enough, the people you’ve helped are grateful.” 

 

“You think so?” Jaina asks, the warmth in her heart spreading. 

 

“The towns and people are prospering. I know so.” Mary replies with a smile. After a minute, her expression changed. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Alistair asks, noticing her change in demeanor. 

 

“I came here because I had news to deliver and got caught up in the joys of seeing you both together, in seeing you Jaina.” Mary sighs, rubbing her forehead. 

 

“What news?” Jaina questions, her grip on Alistair tightening. 

 

“Your advisors are trying to keep the peace in the kingdom. Once they heard that you left and were allegedly courting the Herald of Andraste, the people rioted.” Mary begins. “You are still considered the bastard and still have much to prove before they accept you, even after all this time. They want you to return.” 

 

“Wonderful.” Alistair breathes heavily. “Do I _have_ to?” 

 

“Alistair, you know what this must look like to your people. As much as they hate you, they rely on their King and you’ve had quite the vacation.” Mary says, trying to put things into perspective. “They are beginning to think you’ve abandoned them.” 

 

Alistair looked down at Jaina, a sad look on his face. “Jaina, I-“ 

 

“Alistair, I know. I have not forgotten who you are and it seems I have forgotten who I am.” Jaina smiles sadly, reaching up to touch his face. “This is your duty as King.” Nuzzling into her hand on his face, he holds her wrist and holds her waist with his other hand. “As much as I hate to leave you, I should probably leave as soon as possible.”

 

Jaina nods, rubbing his cheekbone with her thumb. “I will be right here next time you come visit. Now, hurry up and get dressed! You mustn’t waste another minute.” 

 

“I am sorry, Jaina. I know it must feel like you just got him back.” Mary says. 

 

“Thank you for bringing him back to me, Mary. Thank you for coming to see me as well, I’ve missed you and this time I will not forget to write to you.” Jaina hugs her friend tight. She and Alistair quickly got dressed for the day and packed his things into his bag. They left the infirmary and stopped by the kitchens to pack him and Mary some food for the ride back to the castle. Jaina felt bittersweet about them leaving but she knew he’d have to go eventually, she could not monopolize Fereldan’s King. Once they reached the stables, both Alistair and Mary racked up their horses and followed Jaina out to the gates of Haven.

 

Mary and Jaina stood together next to their horses as they watched Alistair say his goodbyes to everyone. Some of the people of Haven gave him gifts and well wishes, it warmed Jaina’s heart to see it. He was so diplomatic that it hurt, the thought made her chuckle to herself. Once he was done he had made his way back over to them, a somber expression on his face. Alistair pulled Jaina into his arms tightly, her face pressed into his chest as she tried to keep her tears inside. Slowly, he pulled away to look at her. “I know you said you’ll write to Mary, but please, don’t forget to write to me.”

 

“Of course, Ali.” She answers. 

 

“I am sorry I’m leaving before I can watch you close the Breach. Remember what I said, you’ll do great. I want to hear all about it once you’ve rested.” He holds her face in his cold, gloved hands. “I love you.” 

 

A sad smile appeared on her face as she relished in the feeling of his touch. “And I, you, Alistair.” He leaned down and captured her lips in a long, soft kiss goodbye. 

 

“Safe travels.” Jaina says as both Mary and Alistair hop onto their horses. “I’ll see you soon.” 

 

Jaina stood at the gates by herself as she watched the two make their way back. She wrapped her arms around herself and leaned against one of the posts, watching until they disappeared behind the trees. Jaina felt her chest tighten but she tried to push it away, she couldn’t afford to feel this way right now.

 

_You have some apologies to make, Jaina. Better get started._

 


End file.
